and the night was made for loving. ( sohn youngjae )
you love in secrecy, shy hidden glances that last longer than they should. kisses that burn on your lips and in memory for a lifetime, but eric is not yours to love during the day
part of the ‘reveal yourself” collab hosted by @jjyusmile in honour of tbz’s fourth anniversay, this is what it feels like to love a man that’s never been yours, sohn youngjae.
genres : angst. fluff. childhood best friends to lovers to not, secret romance. honestly, no warnings.
pairing: the boyz eric x gender neutral reader (if you do spot any pronouns that are possibly female please let me know so i can change bits of it)
the first warning comes when you’re six.
six years old when you can just about spell each other’s names, signing his off with a heart using your extra special pink gel pen. pink was his favourite colour he told you. pink because your sweater is pink, the flowers that bloom in his garden you play in on sundays are pink, because he saw in a book a pink soccer ball he’s always wanted.
at six your hearts are pink and young, clear of any ugly purple bruises or cracks of heartbreak. just a tiny ache when he builds the confidence to march up to your table at recess. tiny fists bunched at his sides with brows furrowed in a pretty knot.
“you didn’t come over to play on sunday,” the pout on his pink lips is enormous, probably as big as his eyes that held your six year old’s world.
you bite your lip nervously but then shrug, cardigan slightly slipping off your shoulders. “dad said i couldn’t,” that last word is a little hard for you to pronounce but your heart swells with pride once it leaves your mouth when you let out another breath. your beam blinds eric and distracts him for a moment, anger vanishing in thin air and all he can see is pink again.
“come over next week?” his voice is tiny but demands all your attention. you play a finger on your chin cutely to contemplate on how you could possibly ask your parents to play with the boy they’ve said no to countless times but you nod nonetheless. he uses his eyes that hold the stars captive to make a memory of your smile that holds the sun, locking this secret promise of a moment away forever.
“okay,” he whispers, suddenly shy that a pink blush dusts over his honey cheekbones. he pauses, almost thinking before running his tongue over his rosy lips. you look up at him, questioning look knotted in your forehead creases and he swipes the sheet you’ve written his name on with your precious gel pen that cost you the past two week’s pocket money to get. your protests fill the air with a laughter that bubbles in his chest, he runs with however far his little legs can carry him. lungs heaving with love as you break out into giggles when he almost trips on his own two feet, focus lost in that moment as he let his eyes wander over to you again.
he presses a soft kiss to his thumb and index before crossing them over in a soft finger heart. he throws it in your direction, actions forming the unspoken words that have become your own language.
i’ll wait for you, the tiny heart says. and you nod, returning one back at him with a smile so much bigger before the bell breaks through the air and he makes a dash for his desk- afraid of the scolding mr. lee will give him.
sunday comes with a tantrum, bawls and threat to tell your teachers you were being neglected from attention. your body is hunched in the corner as you cry, you hear your mother bargain with your father but the words are final. you’re not allowed to see sohn youngjae, the boy across the street. but he’s not just the boy across the street; he’s your best friend, the boy who blooms your flower path and no one in the big wide world could stop you from ever being his friend. rage fills your tiny body, heart bigger than your brain and you decide at nightfall the plan will begin.
moonlight rests in the sky, like you should be in bed. but you’re lying in eric’s arms that feel like light. hidden in his treehouse under a mess of blankets and tangled limbs, you sleep soundly unaware of the panic your runaway scheme has caused. but you don’t mind, turning over and forcing your eyes shut. they can’t scold you if you’re sleeping, they can’t take you away is eric holds you tight enough and so you bury your neck further in his neck- eric sohn and sleep hugging you close.
you’re six and you’re only a fraction of your parent’s age and wisdom of the big wide world, but you do know this; you won’t ever have to wait for sohn youngjae because he’ll always be by your side.
ten years later you’re both sixteen and nothing has changed since you were six except now you can feel the butterflies that swirl in your stomach and the teenage love that thumps in your chest.
it’s just a crush, you tell yourself. it’s normal to have feelings in this life- would you call it love? maybe not yet. you do know that you feel ever so warm when he drags you along to the arcade and you want to curl inside the house all day instead, when he has your cafe order memorised for the free period on friday that begins at two, when he ties your hair back in a little scrunchie he keeps on his wrist so its out of your way just as you like. you feel warm because he seems to know every little thing about you.
it’s just a crush, you remind yourself when you’re walking side by side, hands knocking every once in a while. your hands want to reach out and hold his so bad. you’re millimetres apart but he’s worlds away from you.
until you feel the softness of his pinkie interlocking with yours; a silent promise when the leaves serve as background music to your walk home. you look to him from under your long fluttering eyelashes but he’s looking away to combat that blush; red hues dancing up his ears already. your heart smiles.
it’s just a crush, your young sixteen year old mind still whispers but the beating of your blood pumping organ wipes that thought clean.
you’re nineteen and past the hesitating hearts. now you comfortably grab his hands, pressing your lips to his knuckles as he watches you in awe.
you’re giggling into his neck and he has you up against the wall of this alley.
“youngjae,” you whisper at the nonexistent distance between you two. he’s a whole head taller and is stargazing in your orbs, head gently nudging and prodding you to continue whilst his lips busy themselves at your neck.
“jae they’ll see us,” you whisper harshly, the thrill of hiding your forbidden love was not as exciting as you had initially thought it would be.
sometimes you live for nights like tonight, the heavy hues of dark ash that paint the sky, a sea of stars that illuminate his cheekbones that you trace your fingers over. the sneaking out the house and into his car, slow kissing at red lights with his lips melting over yours till the cars behind grow impatient and honks break you apart. its the hoodie of his you wear to hide the purple paint on your bodies, wide grins flashing in secrecy- pure excitement from seeing him and only him. he was yours and no one had a single clue in the world. at least, in your world.
but there’s also nights like tonight. the ugly darkness that camouflage your dancing demons. the sly snarl of his lips as they attack yours. you don’t want anyone to see you but he’s hoping to god someone will. just anyone will so they’d know you were his. you’re engulfed in his warmth, a sky of stars above and he’s the brightest one in front of you; hugging you close and you wish upon him that this moment could last forever.
but it can’t, there’s no way it could. “jae,” you break apart and take a step back from him and his hands loosen themselves slightly around your waist.
“what?” his tone’s a bit rough, he’s annoyed with brows creased and body on fire.
“they’ll see us,” your eyes soften and you let your whisper sink into the growing coldness of the night.
“would that be such a bad thing?” he leans his forehead across yours. “we’re not kids anymore,” a secret into your hair.
“you know its not that,” your palms are lied flat on his chest and you hold him slowly.
“then what is it?” his eyes desperately search for answers that die on the tip of your tongue, all you can taste is salt. it’s bitter.
don’t make me say it you beg, please don’t make me say it.
“we just can’t,” you settle for and your voice breaks, the pupils in your eyes shake and suddenly you feel so damn small, the world out there is just way bigger than the two of you.
you knew your parents would never accept him and you could never accept that. he was bold and brave and beautiful. he was warmth and light, the smartest boy you ever knew; dreams that could take him worlds away from you but he’s always stayed. but your parents pay your rent, you live under their roof in their town along their rules. you may be eric’s lover but first you’ll always be their child and as much as you’d give up everything for eric- you don’t have it in you to walk away from your family.
“i’ll go in right now,” he blinks away stray tears and the tongue in his mouth threatens to break through the inside of his cheek, pressing hard against the flesh. “i’ll go in there right now and tell them we deserve to be together,” his voice raises volumes you could never reach and your eyes widen in panic, hands grasping his arms and falling heart.
“jae you can’t no,” you plead, “please don’t,” the tears spill from your eyes and you throw your body to block the pathway.
“move,” he mutters quietly, “i need you to move.”
“i need you to stop,” you shout. you hate being painted as the villain, as the one who always to bring you both back to reality but you only do it because you know he never will. eric still thinks you’re young, you’re sixteen and he can race you home and demand a victory kiss. he still thinks he can sneak you out of your house to the new dessert parlour on fifth. he still thinks he can protect you from the world.
but he can’t because he’s not a superhero, he’s just sohn youngjae, your lover in the night.
“you never want to fight for us,” he yells out and a large part of him hates how bad he wanted someone to see your skin on his in the alley but those secrets are saved, not like the way his heart screams on the streets and everyone can see.
“it’s not about fighting eric, there’s things bigger than us both,” you reason, the cold of the night bites at your exposed skin but at this point you’re completely numb. “please don’t go in there,” you beg.
you can already picture it, you in the middle of a game of tug and war. your parents will scold you, scold him and remind him that hed never be enough for their child and he’d stand there, you’d stand in front of him- a broken shield and carry the burden for you both but you knew you couldn’t carry that burden with you out that door.
“why can’t it be me?” his eyebrows flail and his head shakes, thoughts tossing and turning the way you will tonight in your empty bed.
“eric it is you for me,” you take a step forward and he takes another back. for the first time in his life eric just wants to get as far away from you and your twisted family as possible; far away from the scrutiny, the insecurities and the love that has always been a make-believe lie.
“jae!” you call out, but its no use his body is disappearing into his car and down the moonlit alley. a slam of the door and a slam of your heart against your ribs. “jae, come back baby let’s talk it out!” you run after the diminishing car until you’re completely alone with the darkness wrapping around you.
you walk the block over till you get to your house. it’s only a house. because sohn youngjae will always be your home.
your kdrama moment in the street blew over in two weeks of radio silence, like these arguements usually do. he’s like a broken record trapped in this routine when he turns up at your door when he knows your parents aren’t in, cursing himself for having to detail schedules of when he can come over.
“can we talk?” diffuses into a long hug where “i can’t lose my best friend” fills the warm air. he stays a little longer, holding you as you drift on his arms. the air may be warm but it’s unsettling, wraps around his entire body like a weight above him.
it’s the realisation of what ifs that will always remain what ifs. its the way you’re so close to him but he feels like he’s holding you by a thread and you’re slipping through his fingers.
“hey,” he whispers, throat as tight as your legs tangled together in the crisp white sheets of the hotel room a night of loving behind closed doors again in this destructive cycle- why did it feel like he was the only one breaking?
“yeah,” you look up at him, his phone is dangling in his hands- eyes no longer boring into the white glare of his screen but rather on you. the stars in his eyes are no longer you galaxy but a broken constellation of his ragged thoughts. he doesn’t speak for several moments, lips unable to form the words of his cracked heart, the bruises of purple on the flushing red.
“you were right,” another whisper and it doesn’t take long for you to realise the meaning behind his words. you want to cry again, tears that might make him stay but you’ve both cried enough and you sigh, a sign of giving up and eric doesn’t know whether he’s hurt or glad that you’re not fighting for him anymore.
“we can’t carry on like this can we?” he licks his lips and you sit up in the bed, creating a gap between you both. your hand still reaches out to cup his cheek and he lets it stay there- your love has always been lingering, never truly there.
you shake your head softly and press your foreheads together. “i’m sorry,” your mumble reaches his ears and he closes his eyes to savour his last moments of affection with you.
“i’m not sorry for loving you,” he clears his throat. “i don’t regret it one bit. i’m sorry for not being the man you felt like you could bring home, the one you had to hide from daylight, the one who couldn’t give you what you deserve.” he hesitates for a moment at your pondering silence, glitter dripping from your eyes and you stutter out the tears. he comforts you with the gentlest shush and holds your hands ever so softly.
he presses his lips to your temple- fleeting the kiss is. like this moment may seem but he knows it’ll last forever burning in his mind.
“i love you,” you squeeze your eyelids shut.
“i know you do,” he smiles “and that’s enough for me, love.”
and it’s true, eric sohn may have lost you as his lover, but he could never lose you as his best friend.
he watches as you walk down the steps of your house- the house that’s always haunted him, never once feeling the ounce of love personally but that had somehow blossomed you into the beautiful flower you are.
he also watches the way choi chanhee walks with his hand tight in yours; a sweet promise of a love in the light. his pink lips press to your knuckles where the sparkling diamond sits and he watches how you giggle with delight, cupid brow stretched into the prettiest smile he’s had the fortune to love and live for.
your eyes falter as they cast over at him and eric smiles, waving you off and telling you to go ahead without him. you bite your lip gently the memories that will forever live through polaroids, hotel rooms on a sunday morning and only the moon who will ever know the truth of your shortlived secret romance.
eric watches as you go hesitantly go ahead, it was bound to happen anyway but when your eyes meet again he kisses his thumb and his index again and crossing it in a soft heart and throws it in your direction gently.
i’ll wait for you, it says. i’ll always wait for you.
minnie’s note ; honestly this is queued and idk when i set the date or time for (?) but take this as a present whilst i disappear for a little while (ive already gone hehehe) but i did try to make the reader as gender neutral and inclusive as possible? (i tried focusing on the emotions rather than the people? if that makes sense)
also !! genre was fluff but idk why this turned out to be kinda sad but if you ask me the start and ending is the fluff okay omg
i honestly am not even happy with this tbh i was running out of time (there was a month left but this month is full of exams so i dont have time to write ??) so i rushed this all out and wrote it in a day which i do personally regret bc i wish i couldve put more effort in to write it better but yeah ig this is it, love it please and love me lots mwah bye bye see u soon !! <33
