Ode to Us
As much as I would love to be there for you, to help you carry this, to walk right beside you, to be a help;
the reality is that has not been my place for a very long time. I have operated outside of my true essence in trying to maintain an idea of what we are, or what we were, or what we could be, ignoring the truth of what is;
and by that acknowledgment all we have is these ideas of nostalgia, of moments that we captured when we were children;
learning to navigate, learning how to move through life, figuring out ways in which to love, pulling from places which we were not shown; but yet we combined our efforts
and we committed without even understanding the weight of the bonds that we agreed to, without understanding what was really being exchanged, we were taught and we followed
and this is the result of someone else’s influence navigating your path without you being present and it is the greatest travesty but the most beautiful awakening
because in this space we can no longer lie, we can no longer say that we don’t know what happened, we can longer be in denial of the truth that has sat at the gate; at the door from the very beginning
we refused to see it because we held on so tightly, both of us suffocating the other; afraid; one of abandonment, one of absence
and we had this dynamic, where there was this chemistry and this connection but we never evaluated our compatibility. we were able to get along because I navigated most of it, we were able to reach common ground because I facilitated most of it
it was as if I was the scribe of our relationship and you were just waiting to be written, waiting for me to pick up the pen so that you could move, and that you can animate, and all the while I got so distant, so far away from myself, I did not know me and thereby I could not really be there for you
but I was pouring into this depth of need that wasn’t my own and I suffered for it, but it was the suffering that I chose because despite what I may have felt like I have given, I knew, and I went against my own knowing to try to make up for what?
because no matter how much I tried, we always come to this outcome, this was always our story, this was always how we got here and the only thing is to be able to let go, we have to, there is no more us
there is no more sunny days and starry skies and hand holding and playlists playing all night while we talk for hours; these are echoes of what was and it has not been for so long, and things that are not alive should be buried, to be recycled back, to grow anew; and we never buried what we knew no longer served us
and we propelled forward and we continued to push and to hold, and to push and to hold neither one of us allowing enough space for true growth. and we look at the damage caused by a lack of awareness, that we both at one time or another possessed, and that we both have to work through in one way or the other
it is with my sincerest gratitude that I thank you for all that we have endured, I thank you for all that has fallen apart that has allowed me to grow, in ways I did not even comprehend I could, and I’m better for it, I truly know what I need and want
and I know how to create it, and I know how to be present, and I know how to be aware, and I know how to breathe in a moment, and to be still, and to reflect, and all this growth has cost everything and nothing, because it was necessary
and so this is our final song, this is our final dance, there are no more guests to applaud the fallacy we continued to put forth. this is the absence thereof, this is the silence when love has started to walk away, this is what happens when we don’t find our truth, when we don’t live in our truth, we create disaster and our own suffering with smiles and eyes that say, i love you
but they are lies because what we really did was held on to an idea of love because someone somewhere taught us about ideas and they didn’t teach us what is, and we got lost on a path and we never found the road back because we were never meant to ride in the car together for a long period of time
we created in the moments of the most beautiful essence we possessed and we created life, and the beings are beautiful…
now it’s time to put things to rest that have run their course, it’s time for the funeral baby. and in the background is the final sound of a song that has fallen silent and that has forgotten how to sing
