Brb, hairball

Is the point of a “bucketlist” to make the bucket lighter so when we “kick the bucket”, it isn’t as heavy?

A bald rabbit with no kids is an heirless hairless hare.

If two pregnant women fight, it’s like a mecha battle between two babies

When someone says they were in an abusive relationship, everyone assumes they were the abused one

Taste is 90% smell until you get shampoo in your mouth.

Today’s date (2-20-2018) looks like it’s stuttering

Life, liberty and the fursuit of happiness

Some people are assholes because life has been too good to them, not because of abuse.

ohhh i DEEPLY regret teaching my cat how to talk

Oh? Would you elaborate?

okay so one night like a week or two ago kurt was meowing at me and one of the meows sounded like he was saying “hewwo” so since then I started saying “hewwo” instead of meowing back at him (like I do with all his cat sounds, naturally) and slowly his meows evolved into something vaguely “hewwo”like with the one or two True and Powerful Hewwo’s a day

but now that you have backstory I was just standing in my kitchen making rice, everythings dead silent, and suddenly this fucking “HEWWO??” echoes through the whole apartment and it almost killed me

Bisexuality is a concept too often misunderstood 💖💜💙

Flash freezing some samples with liquid nitrogen!

wait. wait wait. they let you play with liquid nitrogen?

okay. here is a HILARIOUS thing you can do with liquid nitrogen and 1 or 2 bottles of shaving cream.

okay so step one is you dunk the shaving cream into the liquid nitrogen. completely submerge it and let it freeze. the shaving cream i mean. then take out the shaving cream. you probably don’t need me to tell you this but for other people, you want to use tongs and safety gloves so you don’t lose a hand or two doing this. now you have frozen shaving cream. what do you do with frozen shaving cream? well, first you have to peel off the canister so you have just the shaving cream floating free. you had to freeze it first so that it wouldn’t explode when you do this part. now you have a frozen brick (or two if you did two) of shaving cream. so what do we do now?

we put that shit inside someone’s car we hate and/or love to prank on.

as it warms, it will gradually expand to fill the entire vehicle.

oh god BLESS

No one actually thinks a car is being stolen when they hear a car alarm

You know you’ve grown up when you find yourself dreaming about being a billionaire, and instead of thinking about all the things you could buy, you think about all the things you’d never have to worry about anymore.

There should be a mute button on the microwave for when people are sleeping.

“No kidding” is a great condom slogan.

Every fight is a food fight if you’re a cannibal.

The best Fantastic 4 movie is still the Incredibles