this from the guy who wrote the sting pain index, a scale he constructed after letting himself be stung by insects

“why did i start this list” pleaseeeeeee this is so funny

his descriptions were extremely on-point, and frankly inspiring when writing a hurt/comfort scene

Instagram poets could never!

the primal urge to devour forbidden potato fruit

yes, potato plants produce berries!

yes those berries are fucking toxic!

yes i should be allowed to use them as a cherry tomato substitute! mind your business

Fun reminder that you can graft a tomato plant on top of a potato plant, and have potatoes underground and tomatoes on top :3

this is true! just another one of those beautiful man-made abomination through which we keep the gods locked away in their celestial prison

Elementary 2.03 "We Are Everyone"

Getting pinned to the wall by a beautiful girl named centrifugal force

One summer she and I had a fling at the county fair

My god, what if this entire time all we had to do to solve our billionaire problem was goad them into submarine pissing contests?

"Hey Elon, I heard you suck at building submarines and some Chads in scuba gear had to save the day. You probably couldn't even get halfway to the Titanic."

"Hey Jeff, I heard your ex-wife say she could visit the Mariana Trench before you."

"Hey Trump, there's a burnt steak leftover in the Titanic's galley."

Sadly this particular billionaire is using a really nice submarine made of steel rather than used carbon fiber they found in a dumpster.

But that doesn't mean we can't loosen a few bolts.

Forget eating them.

Implode the rich.

The reason why I've played as Astarion 4 times

He is still a funny menace

"Liminal" means "boundary" as in "the veil is thin here"

Liminal spaces are places that feel dreamlike, fuzzy on reality. Their boundaries are unstable. A bus station at night. A long desert highway. A bridge over a river.

They do, however, have an opposite; the Proximal space. These are places that feel far too real, extremely defined, boundaries that seem to override natural forces like time or space. Large warehouses without windows, identical chain stores at disorienting hours, your home after a nap of indeterminate time.

The traditional liminal space is the crossroads. Liminal spaces are places you travel through, but never stay. Motels in the middle of nowhere. Airports. Places like that.

The traditional proximal space is the monument. Anywhere that exists but isn't really "used" for anything. Their presence resists use, closer to landscape than location.

We found the answer to this

its of utmost importance you have sound on while watching this

If you can’t make use of the sound, please imagine the soft snuffles of a hand vacuum that’s capable of love.

i love it, sniff animal

sniff animal saturday

Sniff animal

It would be real fucked up if anteaters and aardvarks and armadillos and pangolins were all like herons. Instead of like themselves the trundlers

They are trundling. On their way to brunch. Of ants. we've established this.

So tempted to blaze this post

if i were in charge of star wars i would end the last movie witth yoda reading the story out of a big book and he gives a little chuckle and says "happened, none of that did." and then he gets out of his truck and waddles into walmart

listen ok so i made some good jokes yesterday about Lestat having an onlyfans but i am back today with a new essay and this one is entitled

Why The Invention Of Social Media Is Going to Permanently Save Loustat's Fucking Marriage

come on this journey with me.

ok so on one hand we have Louis, who does not like to leave the house except when he absolutely fucking has to and even then he resents it. my man wants to be at home with a book 100% of the time and he's so fucking valid for that. When he leaves the house, bad things happen to him. He has learned this and honestly i can't fault his evidence. it sucks out there. it truly incredibly sucks out there.

the problem is that sometimes he is married to lestat, who starts clawing at the walls if people aren't paying attention to him for 12 consecutive seconds, and being Out Of The House is the best place for him to go foraging for People To Pay Attention To Him. my man once had a rock star career the way that some people get addicted to meth brewed in a trashcan in someone's garage. Louis, through no fault of his own, is simply not capable of filling this psychological need no matter how hard he tries, except he should not even HAVE to try like that, because no one can do it, because Lestat is fucked up and like wasn't hugged enough as a child or something

this imbalance in their relationship is the core source of all their marital problems since day 1: THIS man's idea of a good time is chilling on the sofa in silence and maybe staring contemplatively at the wall for a while, and THIS man starts self-destructing at a truly astonishing rate if no one is making eye contact with him. If you make Louis go outside and socialize with people, he's miserable and sulking and whining about "are we done can we go home". If you make Lestat sit in silence in a chair for five minutes he starts crying and claiming that No One Has Ever Loved Him, Ever, Ever, And No One Understands Him, And He Hates Everyone In This House and He Is Being Actively Neglected And Cruelly Mistreated Right Now And No One Even Bothers To Feel Sorry For Him, This Is BASICALLY Domestic Violence Against Him Personally, If Only Anyone Knew About The Quiet Hidden Tragedies Of An Unhappy Marriage, and then he breaks some furniture and a window and isn't seen again for six weeks and comes back like "you will not believe what just happened, i [checks notes] met Merlin and also a dragon who gave me three wishes, brb i'm going to write another book about it :))))"

all you fucking have to do to fix their problems is to hand Lestat a cellphone and say the words "do you know about social media? you can say whatever shit you want and there's always someone awake in some time zone to talk to you." Suddenly Lestat is now very interested in sitting quietly on the couch, Lounging Alluringly and posting thirst traps on instagram and finally getting emotional fulfillment from all the likes and comments of "omg???? omg this is the hottest man alive". he does not have to leave the house anymore to get his attention meth. His yawning abyss of neediness is being fulfilled by having parasocial relationships with millions of strangers online who all think he's sexy and don't have to experience how fucking awful he is up close. he can flirt pointlessly with 200 people at once which is FINALLY ENOUGH FLIRTATIONS FOR HIM TO SATISFACTORILY JUGGLE

Meanwhile Louis is 3 feet away, vaguely reflecting to himself that HE is feeling all emotionally fulfilled because they're spending this great Quality Time together in perfect silence while he reads his book and Lestat plays on his cellular telephone and only OCCASIONALLY giggles to himself or says "louis which of these photos do you think is sexier, the one with four buttons undone or the one with five buttons undone" Louis is feeling like his Opinion is being Valued, Louis feels like he is being Consulted on Matters that are Important To Lestat. He has opinions about the photographs. It is not that much trouble to be interrupted from staring philosophically at the wall to spend five seconds looking at a photograph and then saying "that one". Finally he is experiencing Cozy Domesticity. he is so horny about it. lestat is surprised and bewildered about the sudden sharp increase in the amount of sex he is now getting but before he can make any vaguely mean comments about it (bc he's confused and vaguely defensive and worried that it's going to stop out of nowhere and he doesn't know any other interpersonal skills for expressing a thought) his phone pings about how he's just broken 5 million followers on instagram and he totally forgets to even mention the sex thing, which means that he continues getting the sex instead of inciting an argument about the sex and going through his 800th divorce from Louis

all their friends are extremely confused when a whole month, and then six months, and then a year goes by without another Loud Divorce happening and no one crashing through their front door like "I HAVE TO SLEEP IN YOUR GUEST COFFIN FOR THE NEXT MONTH, HE IS INTOLERABLE". They are worried. they are concerned. what is going on over there. are they both dead. no, they can't both be dead, Lestat just posted another tiktok of him sucking on his own fingers, which he would not be doing if Louis were dead. there is an ecosystem collapse happening in the groupchat and it's because the main Drama Vectors have been neutralized