Hey, this is important if you care about me.
I’m leaving. I know I’ve been joking about it forever, but I really am going this time. This blog will still be here, because I can’t bring myself to delete it. (anditalsomeansicancomebackifiimmediatelyregretmydecision) I may log back in to look at it every so often, but this is the end. I’m not posting here anymore. Oh, and my discord won’t be around for much longer either. If that’s all you care about, feel free to leave. The rest of this is just emotional bullshit. And it’s long.
I joined tumblr in 2017 to follow some of the blogs that were posting good shit about Markiplier and Jacksepticeye. My anxiety disorder was wildly out of control, and my lovely genetics were just about to kick me in the ass with depression to follow it. I was also, at this point, a bit of a religious fanatic with no education on anything outside of conservative protestant beliefs. I had never felt more alone.
Within a few months, I was part of something. It started with @cosmicsnowcryptid back when she was still theowlandthefinch and me sending super cringey asks under a pseudonym, because I was hurting and I didn’t know what to do about it. And then came the CYM discord server. It’s been emotional for me, because I’m weird like that, seeing it grow from the three chapters of My Mistake to what it’s going to become, and I’m so proud of everyone involved. One of my biggest regrets is not engaging with the development of the game, and then promising I would, and immediately dropping off the face of the earth again. To any of you that this may have inconvenienced in any way, I really sincerely apologize. No one deserved that.
For a while, in this community, I felt like I’d finally been accepted and free. I learned that I’m asexual, I stopped denying that I’m attracted to all sorts of genders, and I’m finally starting to accept that I’m not cis. And I’m grateful for that. To anyone who ever helped me through that horrible period in my life where I didn’t know anything about the world or myself, and my brain was completely fucking me over, thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart. Even if we barely ever talked. Thank you.
Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and my bad habit of not keeping things in my head and grossly oversharing came back to bite me. I alienated myself from the friends I made, if any of you would still consider me a friend, if you ever did. I never felt like I belonged (which is no one’s fault), so I left.
Allow me one last moment of divulging things you don’t want or need to know before I vanish into the void that is the internet: I never felt like I deserved to be treated the way I was. I was negative, annoying, pushy, and probably toxic, in some ways. And still you all kept reassuring me. You told me I was okay, even when I was so sure I wasn’t. I didn’t deserve that. So instead I ran away, and tried to convince myself you would forget, even if it hurt. When I felt alone again, I wanted to come back, but every time I was about to, I would worry myself into a near panic attack, because I was so sure you wouldn’t want me. Not with all I did and all the time I’d been gone. This is, of course, my own head, and my own fault. No one should feel guilty for this.
So I’m alone again, and that’s whatever. I’m used to it. Seriously, I know this sounds sad, and like I’m trying to get attention or some shit, but I mean it. It’s not a big deal. Still, my presence on tumblr and in these communities is… obsolete. I don’t need to be here. I hate my url, I hate the name I chose, I hate that I was still identifying as female when I started this blog, and I hate the mark I’ve left. Between all that mess and the simple fact that my blog is full of horrible cringe and the confusion of all the names I’ve ever gone by, it’s time for this to end.
If you care at all, I will still be around. I run another blog that I’ve had for a while now, and it’s not that difficult to find if you want to. But I’m not linking it. I don’t want to carry the identity from this blog to the next one. If you see me around, however, know that I probably miss you, and I probably still check your blog from time to time just to see what’s up. Even if we weren’t mutuals. I’m a sentimental person, and closing this chapter of my story, and the first time I ever put myself out into the world, is a bit of a painful moment for me. But it’s time.
Thank you for everything.
