Sucks

I feel like my boyfriend is falling out of love with me. I really love him and I don’t know what I want. I don’t think he feels the same, and I just don’t feel loved at times. Little things really sway my mood but I have somewhat of a gut feeling. I want to ask him but I’m not sure if that will make me sound needy. And I can’t sound needy now because we only haven’t seen each other for a few days. Doing long distance too, and if I sound needy he might think I can’t do long distance. I’m so sad right now I could cry. I want to be loved and I want to be loved by him. I don’t think he feels the same and it eats me up, especially now. Tell me if you want to leave, I don’t want to waste my time or yours.

oomchi

Idk what to do. I’m really sad, but I don’t wanna burden anyone. I just feel like I’m a burden to everyone. People can only take so much. Why am I wrong. Why was I born wrong. Why was a born a mistake. Why do I feel like dying. I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I’m scared that sometimes I might commit suicide. But if I say that they’ll send me a to an institute. I don’t know if I want to stay. Everything hurts. And it’s nobodies fault. Everyone has their own pain. I don’t know why this pain occurs. I’m afraid of asking for what I want because if I ask for what I want will it be too much. If I tell everyone how much I need them will that be too much. If I tell my boyfriend about how I need a mans attention like a drug won’t he think I’m crazy. I’m so scared. I don’t want to be honest. I don’t want to be irrational. I just want to be loved, I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want this pain because my heart really hurts and my head really hurts and my body really hurts and I want to fix myself, I want to make my mind good and I want to support everyone but it’s getting really hard to smile and to be happy. Why do my relationships affect me so much. Why do you affect me so much. And it’s not anyone’s fault. It’s mine for letting my mood change so easily based on how you treat me that day. But why don’t I feel loved? But it’s my fault. Why why why. Why was I created broken. Why can’t I be normal. I want to be normal. I hate this I hate this I hate this. Everything hurts. Someone please come save me cause I can’t do it and I’m really scared and I’m really sad and I’m really ready to die.

oomchi

I feel so lonely I feel so lonely I feel so lonely I feel so lonely I feel so lonely I feel so lonely I feel so lonely I feel so lonely I feel so lonely I feel so lonely I feel so lonely

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why I think so much. I’m really weak and maybe that isn’t ok. No one is going to save me. Absolutely no one. No one is going to be perfect for me and I can’t expect anyone to make me feel like they won’t ever leave. Why is it so hard to let go of loved ones. Why do I feel scared to let go. But even if people leave I’ll be ok. It’ll hurt but I’ll get over it.

oomchi

Why is it hard for me to be happy. Why do I need to be wanted. Am I not good enough for anyone? I don’t think so. I’m not anything worth your while. I’ll never be good enough for anyone and that’s not anyone’s fault. There’s nothing I can say to or do to make me enough for anyone to stay. I’m easily forgetten and I am not needed. I should just die. Dying would make everything painless. I hate feeling pain.

oomchi

I know what it is. Or somehwhat. Im so scared. I’m scared because there is no plan. There is no “I want to be with you” there is “let’s do this so we can maintain a future together” there is none of that. I think we want different things. I’m not sure. I’m not sure if I should try and move on. But I love you. It’s weird loving you. I feel so good when I am with you but I am also terrified of leaving because I think you’re just going to leave again and again and again. But I want a future with you. And if that’s not what you want maybe I don’t really want to see you. Because when I see you I don’t wanna let go. And so maybe just maybe if I stop seeing you I can just cover you up. I can just act like I’m moving on. I can try and forget how it feels to be with you. Maybe I can forget it. I don’t want to feel this way any longer. I’m going to ask you what you plan for us, if there’s a plan at all. And if we can’t come to a level of understanding or if we want different things then maybe I need to learn how to stop indulging in the you or I can force myself to stop indulging in you.

oomchi

I wonder what it would have looked like if you had let yourself love me without boundaries. This whole time I thought I fell in love alone. I wonder what it would have felt like to know you loved me too. I remember being with you felt like I never wanted to leave. Please don’t ever lie to me again. I come to you with a clear heart and mind, please do the same. It’s not to change you, it’s so that you’re not alone. I hope you never feel alone. I promise I’m a call away. I know I can’t change or always keep you from feeling sad. But I hope you know I’ll always listen to you. For hours, days, as long as you need. I hate being romantic. I don’t know why I love you. I don’t feel bad about it though.

oomchi

I hope you never see this. I would do anything to be with you again. I love you. I don’t care where you go I wanna be there too. You made me so happy when you weren’t trying to put distance between us. I love you I love you I love you. I always said we weren’t good for each because I thought you didn’t like me, I thought I was your biggest burden. In truth you are the man I think about everyday. I don’t want anyone but you. I’m so scared you’ll meet someone. If you do I’ll be happy for you. But I miss you. I want to feel you pat my head. I want to feel you kiss my forehead. I want to sleep next to you. I want to touch you, I want to hug you, I want to be yours. I want you to throw me onto the bed and I wanna hear your laugh. I want to feel you play with my hair. I want to look at you and show you how much I love you. I want to wear our matching slippers. I want us to go eat out again or in. I want to sit in bed and watch anime or the office or a movie with you. I want you. I don’t care where you go I want to be there. My dreams can come true anywhere, you’re part of that dream. I love you. Maybe our futures will collide. Maybe they won’t. I don’t know. I just love you. Still.

oomchi

I’m feeling suicidal. I’m so alone. I’m extremely alone at this moment. I had sex with a boy who I barely know and there’s nothing wrong with that, however personally I know it wasn’t good for me. I’m so sad. I feel so much dread. And it’s all because I feel like the men I surrounded myself with are losing interest. But it’s natural. There’s nothing wrong with me. So what if they lose interest I want to say. I want to say there’s someone better for them out there. I want to say who would stay with me as I am. But there’s nothing wrong with me. But I constantly have this mentality. I think if I change then it’ll be ok. I think if I accommodate I’ll be ok. I think if I lower my standards I’ll be ok. But that just reflects how low I think of myself and how desperate I am for anyone, something, a feeling, validation from a man. Cause I find it impossible to find it for myself. Why why why. I hate this. I don’t need men but I’m acting like I do. Fuck this. I hate my head. And I’m pretty bad too, I’m playing with emotions, the guys don’t really know about one another. I’m trying to be in control but I’m just losing control. It’s a very thin line. I’m so mad I’m in this position. Why am I here. I don’t want to live, I’m useless. I’m absolutely useless. If I die I don’t think I’d be missed.

oomchi

I wonder why I feel sad. I don’t want to feel these emotions. I know I seek gratification from men. I know I do that. How do I stop? How do I stop caring. The opinion of men matters so much to me. It matters in such an unhealthy way. Why why why. I want to stop. I’m also possessive. Why can’t I just be so immune to everything. I like this guy right? I doubt he feels the same, I think it’s just a big game. I crave attention and affection. This other guy I’m seeing to kind of protect me just in case the guy I like leaves is so cute. Let’s give these guys names. Guy B I’ve known for longer and I’m comfortable with him. Guy A I barely went on a first date with. Guy C, yes there’s another, is some guy I’m waiting for. I want to be with Guy B I just don’t think he wants to be with me. Guy A is almost my ideal, just isn’t as proactive. Guy C, oof he’s just kinda there. Out of these 3, I really like Guy A, but at the moment I’m more comfortable with Guy B. Idk. I’m just making a mistake. I’m surrounding myself with guys who all have something missing. One is too this while the other is too that. And there is nothing wrong with that. They’re perfect the way they are. I’m just the one trying to force something and look for something because I can’t find it within myself, validation. It’s gross. I want to feel better, I don’t want to be so sad. I don’t want to feel like I need their validation. I want to be happy even without it.

oomchi

Will you ever confront the selfish boy you are? Or maybe you have and you just don’t care. To you it’s just being independent. As if you have no affect. I wonder how people could be so careless.

oomchi

I feel so uncomfortable. Why are you back? Why do you want anything to do with me, even as a friend. Why why why why why why why why. Tell me why. But I stay because I’m not sure what to do. Maybe I shouldn’t have replied. Because now I feel pressure to make you happy and I don’t know why. It’s almost like a pity for you. I just don’t want you to be lonely, even if that means digging up all the anxiety I was slowly getting over. I feel like if I don’t text you, you might believe I don’t like and feel sad and for some reason I don’t want you to be sad. It matters to me if you’re happy. I thought you were so happy without, which is why I left the way I did. You said you were in so much pain because of it. And then I felt like it was my fault. But it wasn’t. You ended it the way that you did, you should have found closure for yourself. Why do you want to be my friend. Do you really want me around? All I can see is pity. Like you can’t live freely unless you know I forgive you. I forgave you, just leave because that’s what you’ll do. All you need is my permission, because you feel guilt towards me but I don’t think you understand what you even need to fix. I wish you could come to me wholeheartedly as I come to you. I do want to be your friend but I have a feeling all you want me there for is to give you pardon. As if I’m one of the only people who will be there even if you treat me like shit. It’s like I’m a security blanket for you. Stop using me for that. Are u sure you want to be my friend? Stop lying to yourself. You just need someone and you just want to use me because I’m easy to use and I’m kind. Why am I still here. Why am I still taking it. My anxiety is creeping up again and I HATE IT. I thought I got rid of it, I thought I could move on. I know what I’m going to do and the things that will occur will probably bring me pain. Should I take on the challenge? I probably will because I don’t know how to say no. And I’ll be in pain. Maybe this time I’ll learn how to put myself back together. Maybe I’ll be able to deal with my anxiety. I have to make sure I can because I cannot let this pull me down and have me in a dark place I don’t deserve to be. I deserve to feel happy.

oomchi

I had another dream about you. Get out of my memories. I hate it. I hate seeing your face in my dreams. You always hurt me in my dreams. Always. This time hurt a lot. I felt the pain and it was awful. I wish you would leave my dreams, I wish I didn’t have to remember you. I wish I still didn’t think about you. I wish I didn’t worry if you missed me or if you already found someone. I hate this. I never wanna see you in my dreams again.

oomchi

I had a dream. Kind of. I was drifting off to sleep and what seemed like a memory replayed in my head. When I was in my relationship you would always have to go to sleep at around 10 or earlier because you had to go to work. I would always get anxiety leaving, or Atleast almost always. I didn’t want to leave because me being with you was a way of keeping you constant. If you’re with me physically then you can’t forget me. If you’re with me you can’t think about how you don’t want me. If you’re with me then I can make sure you’re staying with me and not leaving. That’s why I always wanted to be with you. I liked your presence too. Don’t get me wrong. I really did adore you. When we had fun we had a lot of fun, or atleast I did. You told me you liked me less and less since we had become a couple. So I’m not sure. I thought you liked me. I would convince myself constantly, I didn’t trust my gut. But back to my dream. I could see you telling me you had to go to bed. And I could feel my pain. It was anxiety. The same feelings I haven’t felt in the past few days. It was disgusting. The anxiety and fear of having to leave you. The anxiety and fear I felt because I was scared if I left you wouldn’t be there when I came back. I remember that anxiety. I hate it so much. It was a fear that drained everything from me. My stomach dropped and I felt tears so hot and so ready to burst. It was like my dreams are saying “you have to deal with that pain because to some extent you have to be more powerful than that”. I think I understand what my head is doing. I didn’t quite deal with that anxiety. So at times little things happen that threaten to reveal it. But when that happens I’m trying to deal with it and calm it. This dream was a reminder that I have to keep trying and take things slowly. I have to deal with my underlying pain. I have to understand it and how to conquer it. That nightmare I had was the first I had in a long time. I had frequent nightmares the last week of my relationship. They went away but now as they come back I realize this is not a problem that can just go away. I have to be smarter than the weight that attempts to hold me down. I won’t let myself succumb to anxiety. I never want to feel the way I felt and feed into it the way I did ever again.

oomchi

I hate seeing your smiling face in my memories it makes me sick. I hope with time I forget what you look like.

oomchi

Let’s talk about mom and dad. Mom. I love you, and constantly you’ve denied that. You say I treat you badly. You tell me I always look at the negative sides of things. You do the same. I learned it from somewhere. You are sensitive to your needs. You’re not sensitive to my emotional needs. You say you understand but you don’t. You only understand my words through your interpretation. You don’t know it all. You tell me someone doesn’t want a girl who’s unhappy all the time, that is why my ex distanced himself from me. Don’t ever do that again. It is not ok for you to tell your daughter that she needs to fake her happiness in order to please a man and make him stay. How wrong that is. If I am sad, my loved one should support me and help me understand my sadness. I will not settle and be person who silences their needs and thoughts just to accommodate someone else’s. My sadness is a part of me and though no one is obligated to help me cope with it, I shouldn’t have to hide that current part of myself to make someone else comfortable. You’re asking me to suffer quietly. But the problem with that is quietly suffering means never dealing with what makes you suffer in the first place. Sooner or later your silent cries become screams. They’ve been bottled up for so long they explode. Mom I have only negative memories of you. I don’t know if I altered them but do not tell me I chose to alter my memories. I don’t want to be in pain by choice. My memories cause me pain. Mom, you’re good at being the victim. If you hurt us somehow you get the world to think you did nothing wrong. And that we did everything wrong. I’ve always been the bad guy right mom? You’re an angel. Capable of no evil. Right mom? When I was mean to you, you didn’t ask why you just cried about it. Why would I grow up hating my mother. Why didn’t you protect me. Why didn’t you ask for a reason. Why didn’t you try to help instead of arguing with me and making me feel awful. I would go to my room crying because I was offended by a joke you guys made. No one said sorry. It was my fault for being sensitive. It was just a get over it and come back out. So I did I got over it. But I never forgot it. Every joke you make about me being a bad daughter sticks to me. I will never forgive myself for what I did thanks to you. Even though you did wrong to you do not repent the way I do. I give myself the worst punishment. I have developed little to no self worth, that is my punishment. Is that what you wanted? To humble me? To make me feel like I did everything wrong so when I was an adult I would be so nice and change myself to accommodate others? I was a child, I was so young. And you made me feel like I was the devil. I was not smart enough to hate you for a good reason. I wish you would have asked why I lashed out. You said some mean things too and you deny them. You never let me deny let alone forget the things I said. That’s a little unfair isn’t it. When I told you I wanted to kill myself I remember you looking at me like I was crazy. Why didn’t you take care of me? And ask me why? Why I was so ready to die for a guy I met online. Tell me. Dad why were you absent. Dad, why did you cheat on mom and destroy her. Dad why did you treat the woman who loved you with so much carelesssness. Dad you are so selfish when it comes to our mother. I pray I never see your mistress and you together. If I do I won’t hold back. I’ll tell you that you’re disgusting for doing what you did and making my mother stand silent while you threw the nastiest tantrum I’ve ever seen. Mom made mistakes too. But all you could see was yourself and not the tired and lonely woman always at your side. To my parents who love me, I love you but you are not good for my mental health.