When i’m unloading the dishwasher and i see a fork with a bit of stuff still on it

me when i see a hilariously bad video that i want to send to my friend instantly, knowing that its bad enough to make them want to hire a deep web hitman to kill me

“We had dorm rooms next to each other freshman year.  We mainly just played a lot of board games: Risk, Scrabble, Scattergories, a Trivial Pursuit game from the 1980’s, which everyone sucked at.  But we became best friends, and the next year decided to get a house together.  That’s when things started to get tense.  We began sitting closer together.  We were touching more.  We’d play with each other’s hands.  Never holding hands, but playing with hands.  And we’d even fall asleep in the same bed together.  There was a time that she told me goodnight, and I swear I felt her brush my lips, but by the time I opened my eyes she was out of the room.  Neither of us had ever dated a woman.  And I was terrified to try anything.  We were such good friends.  There was always this fear that if I voiced the desire, it would ruin our friendship.  But one night we were out for drinks at a hotel where Al Capone used to stay.  I was feeling pretty drunk, so I leaned over and said: ‘Sometimes I feel like I want to kiss you.’  And she replied: ‘Sometimes I do too.’  I didn’t say a thing.  I wasn’t even sure that I’d heard her correctly.  I just kept thinking: ‘Oh my God, it’s happening.  It’s happening.’  Then once we finished our drinks, and started walking home, I stopped her in front of a bridge.  I said: ‘Shall we do it here?’  It was December 12th, 2002.  And even though we got married five years ago, that’s the day we celebrate as our anniversary.”

tbh…. I hate communicating….. we can only be friends if u can read my mind…..

Okay but the “where are the kids” “they’re out back” made me ugly laugh

hourly comic i posted on twitter

Russian Doll season 1, episode 4 “Alan’s Routine”.

ALRIGHT CONSTABLE-FROZEN TIME TO RISE AND SHINE!

scream

insert your card into the chip reader. put it in. hurry up. just fucking put the card in the chip reader. now leave it. leave it. do not even look at it. leave it alone you asshole leave your card in the chip reader. keep it in. if you take it I swear I wi–

TAKE IT OUT! REMOVE YOUR CARD RIGHT NOW TAKE YOUR CARD OUT TAKE IT OUT OF THE CHIP READER TAKE IT BACK TAKE IT BACK TAKE YOUR CARD BACK AND GET OUT AND NEVER COME BACK FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

huh danganronpa looks weird

this is canon

tumblr staff is like a parent who left their baby to be raised by wolves except every couple of years they come back and shoot one of the wolves

me age 11: i need a tragic backstory for my OC 🤔🤔🤔

me: i got it,

@genjishimadaschoiceass

a bitch just wanna watch horror films & be held, u know?

actually when I was in 8th grade and obsessed with twilight my master plan as a twilight vampire was to sit around in famous shipwrecks like the super deep ones where they can only send robots with cameras from their submarines and when they sent one down i’d be sitting there, pretending to drink out of an old tea cup you know for the drama of it all and the guys in the submarine would know what they saw and that it was real footage but who else would believe them? no one important.

but it didn’t stop there. at the next party they threw to celebrate one of their latest finds, some museum-y banquet idk I was 13, I was going to show up. I was going to show up and make eye contact with them one at a time from across the room and they were going to lose their goddamn minds and then before the volturi could catch wind i was gonna be back in the ocean. how could they find me?

the drama. the theatrics. i can’t believe i didn’t realize i was gay right then but that’s another story, also involving vampires,

hate to burst your fantasy, but

1) vampires don’t show up in film

2) vampires can’t cross moving water much less sit at the bottom of the ocean

you’ve got me a in a difficult position here because on the one hand, this post is specifically about vampire lore in Twilight, so you’re wrong, but on the other hand, saying “you clearly didn’t read twilight” doesn’t exactly make you look like the bad guy here