hear me out…

“Hear me out” and it’s the most conventionally attractive alien father figure you’ve ever seen

DROP that DAMN TOWEL Gantu!

Be PROUD to be an Alien.

Be PROUD of your Alien Muscle, Cock and Balls!

picks you up

puts you back down

picks you back up again

puts you down again

we're playing elevator

My taders. Not yours

it’s psychological horror to YOU. to me it’s a romcom

it's a romcom to YOU. to me it's psychological horror

Vox convinces Alastor to get into a relationship and marry him by telling him it's a bit.

Like, "Haha, wouldn't it be SO FUNNY if we told everyone we were dating? And they didn't know it was a joke? (Totally a joke, by the way) Wouldn't that be hilarious???"

"Haha, if we kissed right now no one but us would know it's not real, everyone would be so fooled!"

"We should totally get married because it'll make everyone think we're ACTUALLY married! Wouldn't that be so funny?"

It fucking works.

@hazbeans-for-thee

#Alastor would commit to the bit bc he finds it funny #purely so he can make 'I want a divorce' jokes

Vox forgets they're supposed to be doing a bit and cries the first time Alastor makes a "I want a divorce" joke. Alastor thinks Vox is just committing even harder to the bit than he is and has to up the ante. Luckily for Vox, Alastor has yet to hand him the divorce papers (because then he can't make the divorce jokes and that's not fun).

I have been informed that this is in fact… one of Them

This is the funniest fucking post on this website

Winter has arrived on Poob.

Start your 7 day free trial of Poob today, and watch smash hit Martin Scorcese's Goncharov.

thank u krash

their dynamic kills me

let’s be real the best tumblr has EVER looked was the short span of time where you could slap code into posts and we had classics like these

tumblr has never been closer to the core aesthetic and sense of humor of its userbase 

My favourite thing in the world is seeing folks act like real human beings around big celebrity personalities

Early StaticMoth

Diversity win! The horniest person you know is on the asexual spectrum

I think Valastor (Valentino x Alastor) is one of the funniest ships I’ve seen (this is not meant to be insulting). I mean, it’s an aroace and aromantic man with a literal pimp!

Jokes on you, both of them are ace in my brain! *runs away*

*starts chasing you* No no, hold on a minute there what do you mean by that? I need an explanation before I stuff this in my bag of headcanons

I know Valentino is canonically pansexual, it's just a silly headcanon

1. His whole identity is based around sex, it almost feels like he's overcompensating.

2. We see him kiss Vox once in EP 8, every other time he's done something even slightly sexual it was more about the violence and the power dynamic, or to gain something

– EP 4, in the dressing room, he gropes Angel for a second. He could have done worse, all things considered, even in the short time they were in there. It was a power display, "I can touch you whenever I want, however I want." Same episode, plus the Addict Music Video, he has Angel in front of a mirror, he wants Angel to see what's happening, to rub in their roles in the "relationship"

– in Poison, we see him and Angel having sex, the lights are dim, it's just for them. First flash is with Angel pinned flat on a wall, then on a bed. Again, power difference, but also, Angel was enjoying himself back then. Valentino was worming his way into Angel's life to stay for good, he was trying to please Angel in any way possible to insure he'd be obedient/sign the contract (depending at what point those scenes take place).

– it would be easier for him to manipulate the industry if he can understand what people like and not what he likes. People headcanon him as stupid but he damn well knows how to play his cards right. "But Angel said the waterboarding thing was Val's new kink," again, it's not about sex, it's the violence, THAT'S A TORTURE METHOD, I'M NOT KINKSHAMING, BUT WHAT CAN BE HOT ABOUT A PERSON WITH A RAG ON THEIR FACE IF IT'S NOT ABOUT ENJOYING THE VIOLENCE??

– "He sleeps only with 10s and Vox" and Vox you say? Of all people, Valentino only likes the most attractive ones, the hottest of the hottest, and the powerful Media Overlord that gives his movies a platform? That's sus, it's almost like he's doing it to gain leverage. (I'm not saying he doesn't like Vox romantically, #Staticmoth4Life, I'm just saying for the sake of the headcanon that he isn't sexually attracted to him)

3. He doesn't need to force himself to flirt with people he doesn't find attractive in order to get them to sign, because everyone falls in the same category. Sure, he can see some people are objectively beautiful, but nothing is stopping him from talking to someone less conventionally attractive and sound genuine.

4. It's a silly idea. The Overlord of Porn, the pimp of Pride, being asexual. The irony.

– he has aphrodisiac as saliva, I headcanon that it effects him too. What a punishment, "You shall be horny 24/7 but you'll find no one attractive, satisfy your body all you want, it will never scratch the itch"

5. He's an artist. And that causes chronic brain damage (/j), he sees people as future drawings, or porn movies. People are beautiful, how different they all are! How to capture all their uniqueness on paper, on film?! How would they look underneath him, pinned down? He's just fucking someone and all he thinks about is "damn, the light is hitting their face just right!"

I swear this whole mess sounds more plausible in my head😭😭😭

Oh shit, I think you might have convinced me. Also, it would be downright diabolical to give that aphrodisiac saliva to someone who is ace. It's hell, what could be a worse punishment? And it makes me wonder what would he be like sober since he's basically constantly high?

I know nothing is confirmed, but this headcanon would be even more delicious if we explore his past a bit more. I know many people have already headcanoned that he was also a sex worker when he was alive and maybe even in his early years down in hell, and that's a really interesting thing to talk about when headcanoning him as ace. To think that he's always been desired and told sex is the only thing he's good for not just by clients, but now by his fans too. Sex is what kept the money in his pockets and what he used to gain power, so naturally, he'd cling to it. An ace who doesn't have anything else besides his good looks will, of course, take pride in that and further feed into that side.

And I think he'd be a little like Alastor in this regard as in being smug that he's not easily seduced by others (aka your comment about how he only sleeps with tens and Vox) as though he's above them. Most people narrow that down to years of experience and restraint, but the headcanon that he's simply ace is so much more intriguing

I also really love your take on the sex/violence relationship going on in Valentino's head because from what it looks like that man is probably not at all interested in anything vanilla. Almost as if he needs the kink to make sex more interesting, as if sex by itself is not enough. Sounds very familiar *glances discreetly at a lot of aces*. He probably doesn't even view sex for what it is. He sees it like a way to inflict pain, like just another form of torture to add to the mix.

Plus, I've always wondered how his bad eyesight works with him being a director? From what we know he can barely see what's in front of him ("he had like three bills, and it took him like thirty minutes to count them). So, he's probably not even seeing most of the action, just the sounds and the knowledge of what's happening

Shame he's such a horrible person, but this headcanon is fascinating to explore

THIS, THIS, ALL OF THIS!!!!!

Also, another quick headcanon. My idea for his backstory is that he was the son of a pimp, Valentino was meant to inheret the 'business'. He grew up around sex workers. The food he ate, the clothes he wore, all from sex work money. Sex could buy you anything if you played your cards right. And it normalized sex in his brain to the point where it's nothing but a means for gains and proving who's where in the hierarchy

And as for the eyesight – he could be farsighted (close objects are blurry, far objects are clear). Fitting punishment for an artist if you ask me. Or if his eyesight is bad in general (he doesn't have pupils, where does the light go???) and his job as a director, he could just be "yeah, that sounds good" and that's why he has Travis for the visual quality control

I'd also like to add this post by @eggcats as the cherri on top. Ya'll I think we might have made an amazing headcanon