A Heart Can Only Be Broken Once
Ivar x OC character x Ubbe
This is my first imagine/fanfic etc, so please don’t be too harsh. Feedback is always extremely welcome. This could be a part two if people like it. Mostly I am posting it and writing it because I have too many pent up Ivar feels and a slight (terrible) obsession with him and I needed a place to let it out.
Trigger warning: Rape/Gang rape- though not very detailed. I don’t think there are any more, just angst and a bit of sadness I suppose.
Summary: Um… I’m bad at these. Basically, shit happens, Ivar is an impatient lil’ shit and yeah. Could be a part two if people want it.
The wind swept my hair, tugging it and pulling it in every direction. I tuned out the faint laughter and voices booming all around. The feast welcoming the sons of Ragnar Lothbrok back in Kattegat after their two-month raid was only just starting but I couldn’t stand being in there, being near him. The breath of fresh air was welcomed into my lungs and I focused my eyes on the moon shining brightly right up ahead. It was a full moon, and I always enjoyed the harsh glow that lit up the whole village.
“Why aren’t you celebrating with everyone?” A voice asked behind me. Ubbe.
“I have,” I said. “I drank ale, got good, hot food in my belly. I celebrated, Ubbe.”
He leaned his back against the tree next to me. I could see him perfectly thanks to the moon illuminating every part of his face. “How were you these past couple of months?”
I held his gaze for a few beats before turning to look at the sky again. “Fine, thank you. I missed you,” I bumped my hips into his, making him chuckle. “ How was the raid?”
“We went. We saw. We conquered,” he shrugged. “Ivar is getting more skilled at planning our attacks. We have yet to lose a battle, as much as it hurts my pride as the eldest.”
His name being mentioned made my stomach flip. Ivar. Ivar the Boneless, the most feared man across all of the land. He bathed in the blood of his enemies and laid on their lifeless bodies. The man who mended and then broke my heart.
Ubbe took a step towards me reaching out to touch my hand, but I flinched at the contact. “Please, don’t,” I whimpered, tears slowly prickling my eyes. I wrapped my hands around myself and plopped down on the grass.
I felt Ubbe mirroring my actions and do the same. “What’s wrong?” he asked, concern audible in his voice. “Has anything happened?”
“I just don’t like to be touched, Ubbe. Not anymore,” I said, holding back the tears.
We sat in silence for a while, listening to the faint voices echoing off into the distance and into the night. I felt him reach out again but he pulled himself back, hesitant. I grabbed his hand in mine and relaxed, closing my eyes to focus solely on my breath. Before I knew it, I let the darkness swallow me whole.
The brightness of the sun is what jostled me out of my sleep first. The birds sang their morning songs with all of their might. My hand felt clammy in Ubbe’s but it was still there and he held onto it tightly. Sometime during the night, I must have laid my head on his shoulder, my neck was beginning to ache.
“Well, I see you’re already getting cosy there, Kari.” Ivar. I would recognise that voice anywhere. “Going to warm his bed, too?”
My eyes turned to the source of the voice and there he was. Sitting down across from me, looking as handsome as ever and for a second I let myself be taken aback by his beauty. His chestnut hair entwined in braids, his eyes holding the glint of mischief that could be found behind the icy coldness. Once upon a time, those were the ocean eyes I wanted to drown in. I would have gladly suffocated, tied an anchor to myself and jump without as much as a breath to keep me alive a little while longer.
“You don’t get to say that, Ivar,” I seethed, clenching my teeth together. “You don’t get to judge me, or my choices, or who I touch or let in between my thighs. “
His eyes darkened, a storm forming in the blue of his eyes. He worked his jaw, clenching it and unclenching it repeatedly, flaring his nostrils.
“I get to say whatever I want, Kari,” he spat. His gaze fell upon my hand that was still clasped in Ubbe’s. He began to crawl towards me, slowly and deliberately. His movements mimicked those of a snake, slowly slithering, a predator making a move on his prey. As he got to me, his face barely inches away from mine, he grabbed my chin and turned my face so I would look into his eyes.
“You’re mine,” he whispered. “Or have you forgotten that already, my love?”
“I belong to no one but myself, Ivar,“ I spat back, letting go of Ubbe’s hand and placing it on Ivar’s chest. “Now let me go and leave me alone.” I pushed him back to get up, waking Ubbe up in the process.
Ubbe jostled up and immediately got in between Ivar and me. “I think it’s best you leave, little brother,” he said to Ivar after seeing me distressed.
This seemed to only anger the youngest prince more, his features darkening with every second. “You don’t tell me what to do, Ubbe.”
“Please, just leave Ivar,” I said, pleading with my eyes and voice. He looked at me for a second, his eyes darting between me and Ubbe, before finally crawling away towards the town.
Letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding, I brought my knees up to my chest and let the tears fall. I felt Ubbe sit next to me. “Don’t,” I said, as he tried to wrap his arms around me. “Please, just leave me alone.”
“I can’t do that, Kari. You’re clearly upset and I care for you too much to leave you here alone.” His soothing voice calmed me down enough to look up at him and send him a reassuring smile.
“I’m fine Ubbe, really.” I nodded at him and he looked at me once more before getting up to leave.
I sat by the tree, leaning against it and I stared up at the sky, counting the clouds and imagining various shapes. The night it happened still haunted me. The men, the laughter, the smell of ale fresh on their breaths. The way their fingers felt clasped around my neck. The roughness and the panic coursing through my body, as I struggled to breathe, let alone scream for help. The pain I felt for weeks after they were inside me, in every way they could find.
I remember Ivar crawling back to our house, but I couldn’t be touched. I couldn’t move, I felt numbness overwhelm my senses and limbs. He was too drunk to tell and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the bed. I got my stuff and headed back to my own home. Since I spent so much time with Ivar and in his bed, my own felt too foreign and I couldn’t sleep for the whole night.
The next morning, Ivar sought me out as soon as his eyes opened. I couldn’t talk to him, even though he was the only one I wanted to be around, to tell what happened, but no matter how much he urged me to, my throat clogged up and words failed me every single time. I couldn’t let him inside me, I couldn’t let him see me like this. Over the next two weeks, I tried to tell him what happened, but I still could not find the words. I knew he would find them and kill them as soon as he found out but the wounds were still too fresh. He watched me, like a hawk stalking his next toy. I could see the hurt etched deep in his eyes but he stopped trying to talk to me.
The day before the raid I saw his hands all over a slave girl, one with beautiful features, hair so blonde and eyes so pure and innocent a part of me almost didn’t blame him for wanting her. His smile was beaming at her, her eyes sultry and a knowing smirk graced her rosy lips whenever she looked at him. She leaned up to kiss him and that was when I felt my heart shatter. He didn’t stop her, in fact, he reciprocated her kiss just as passionately before he led them to the closest bedroom, shutting the wooden door behind them without so much as a second glance. I couldn’t watch, not any more so I went to cry the night away, finding comfort only when exhaustion lulled me to sleep. Before the raid, I told him it was over.
“You can’t do that,” he seethed. His blue orbs getting darker by the second. “You’re mine. Mine.”
I threw my head back in mock laughter. “Was I yours when you were fucking your slave girl last night?”
He looked taken aback and dropped his eyes in shame, his jaw clenching in place. That’s when I knew I was right. He fucked her. I began to walk away before tears would spill for the umpteenth time. I refused to see let him have the satisfaction of seeing my tears.
“Don’t leave,” he grabbed my arm harshly, tugging me back.
I whirled around, mustering the courage to slap his cheek as hard as I could. “Don’t you fucking touch me. You lost that right the moment you decided to forget about me for long enough to fuck another woman.”
I stormed away and that was the last time I saw him, until today.
Snapping back to reality, I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and steady my shaking hands. I could do this, I told myself repeatedly. It was my mantra to heal my wounds and I would tell myself I can do this over and over if it meant finally healing and letting go of my love for him and what they have done to me.
I headed home to get changed and clean, get myself ready for the new day ahead. The village was roaming with people, it was nice seeing the faces of people you haven’t seen for a long while and I smiled at everyone I saw.
I turned around to see Ubbe jogging up to me, his eyes full of concern. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Ubbe. Really,” I reassured him again, and threw him what I hoped was a convincing smile.
Ubbe grinned back at me and I was struck by how good looking he was. I never allowed myself to admire other men, my eyes were always and only for Ivar but Ubbe was the kind of man my father wanted me to have. Good, honourable, polite, respectful. Sometimes I wonder why I fell for Ivar instead of Ubbe. Maybe things would have been so much easier, and my heart would still be whole.
“You should come join the feast tonight,” he said. I could tell he was nervous, his hands fidgeted at his side but his face let nothing on. I just knew him too well, others would not have noticed.
“I’m not sure, Ubbe. I’m not really in a festive mood these days,” I sighed.
He reached out and put his arm on my shoulder.”Come, I will keep you company.”
“I promise, Kari,” he chuckled and squeezed my arm, letting his hand linger a little longer than usual.
“Okay, I will come,” I agreed, smiling truly for the first time in a long time. “I will see you then, Ubbe.”
As we parted ways, I couldn’t help but feel the excitement fizzle up inside me. Ubbe was nice, he showed me nothing but kindness our whole lives. Maybe Ubbe was the balm my heart needed to mend what they and Ivar broke.
The night came soon and I headed for the Great Hall that was already filling up to the brim with people. Shield-maidens, Vikings already drinking and eating their way into a stupor. My eyes searched out for Ubbe and it wasn’t long before I felt someone grab my waist from behind.
“I see you have decided to grace us this evening, my love,” the voice whispered into my ear, causing a shiver run down my body and goosebumps to grace my skin. I could tell that voice anywhere. I hated how he still managed to evoke such a reaction out of my body. “You look as ravishing as always.”
“I didn’t come here for you, Ivar,” I seethed through my teeth, ripping his hands off of my body and taking a step away.
I turned around to face him. He had dark circles around his eyes, his face more pale and thinner than usual. His blue orbs were dark, there was a menacing glow to them that made my breath hitch in my throat.
Just before he had a chance to reply, I saw Ubbe heading towards me. I smiled causing Ivar to turn around and look at what it was aimed at.
“You look beautiful tonight, Kari,” said Ubbe, smiling softly at me.
I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, turning them hot. Thank the gods the light was too dim for them to notice. “Thank you, Ubbe. I tend to clean up nice sometimes.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ivar’s eyes darken and his jaw clench. He held himself up on his crutches and tried propping himself up taller, mostly to intimidate those around him, especially his older brother.
“You came here for Ubbe, my sweet love?” he asked. The pet name you used to love now sounding like acid, a rotten, ugly thing meaning to mock instead of to show his devotion to you.
“I told you I was not here for you.”
“I invited her, Ivar,” Ubbe interjected. I felt him tense and take a defensive stance next to me.
Ivar had his stare glued to me, and I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. His stare held me in place, captivated me there until Ubbe moved to stand in front of me and stand face to face with Ivar.
“She’s with me tonight, little brother.”
Ivar looked at his brother, then at me, glaring at the both of us in the process. After a few tense seconds, he walked off towards the head of the table where he took a seat.
Ubbe and I watched him leave, and I felt the panic begin to hit me full force. Ubbe turned around to look at me, before hugging me tightly to his chest.
“I won’t let him treat you bad again anymore,” he whispered in my ear before letting me go. I smiled up at him and we took a seat at the table.
The drinks were passed all around. More food than I can stomach was splattered everywhere. I talked to Ubbe for hours, laughing at his jokes and listening to his adventure stories from the raid. All throughout the night, I felt Ivar’s heated stare following my every move. I refused to look in his direction. The more alcohol coursed through my veins, the easier I seemed to be able to breathe. And the less I thought about Ivar.
“Shall I walk you to your house?” asked Ubbe.
“Yes, please,” I threw him a smile as we began making our way out of the hall. I chanced a quick glance at Ivar. So much for self-control. He was watching me as I have expected and I could feel the tenseness of his whole body rolling off of him in waves, his jaw clenched and working itself back and forth. The stare was cold, hard and menacing, yet I walked on. The alcohol made me feel numb and for the first time in a long time, I felt free.
As Ubbe and I walked through the village, the cold air surrounded us and I tightened the furs around me to keep myself from shivering. We strolled in comfortable silence, though I could tell there were a lot of unsaid things that hung in the air.
“Ubbe, you have been so kind to me,” I began, pausing to take a deep breath before I continued. “I feel like I should tell you why I have been acting so strange.”
I looked down at my shoes and watched myself take steps forward. “I was raped.”
I felt Ubbe pause for a second before continuing to walk beside me. He stayed silent, though I could tell it took him a lot to do so.
“They came to me after the feast one night. I was tired, and Ivar didn’t want to come to bed just yet. I don’t remember how many there were of them, but I remember their touch and the pain today just as strongly as I felt it that night.” I took a shaky breath, willing the tears to stop pricking my eyes. I never admitted it out loud. To anyone. “Ivar didn’t understand, I couldn’t talk to him, I-”
Ubbe stopped and turned me to face him. He took me into his arms and began whispering sweet, reassuring things into my ear. “Shh, it’s okay. I promise it’s okay, you’re okay.”
I couldn’t stop the tears from spilling. Months of pent up resentment, heartbreak and pain began to spill. I focused on Ubbe and the way he felt in my arms, his scent that I knew so well. I listened to his voice as the memories of all that has happened threatened to take over every single part of my mind. His arms held me tighter to him, and I felt safe. We stayed there for a while before he led me home and tucked me in.
“I promise, I will find them and neither they or anyone will harm you ever again, “ he whispered, as he petted my hair, letting me fall into a deep sleep.
The next morning I woke up way later than I ever have but I wasn’t alone. The chair by my bed had been occupied by none other than Ivar. I shot up from my bed, covering myself with the furs. His crutches were propped up neatly against the wall and he stared at me, though this time his eyes were unreadable. His whole face and stance looked almost like a carving, a statue made out of stone.
“What do you want, Ivar?”
He stayed silent for a pregnant minute. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I was immediately taken aback. “What did Ubbe say?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked again, though this time I could tell there was an undertone of anger and impatience laced in his usually silky voice.
“Ubbe had no right,” I said before I began to get up and out of the bed, not caring in the slightest about Ivar seeing my naked body. After all, we were lovers for a long while, there is nothing he hasn’t seen before.
“Why. Didn’t. You.Tell. Me,” he seethed every word, and I could tell his resolve and well-mastered poker face was slipping.
I sat down back on the side of the bed after I put on some clothes and looked him dead in the eye. “We’re not together anymore, Ivar. What happened, and what I do as of now, is none of your business.”
“Oh, but I suppose it’s Ubbe’s?” his voice was getting louder by the second. “Are you two fucking now? Is that it, huh?”
I scoffed. “That’s rich coming from you, Ivar. You stuck your cock into someone else whilst we were together. “
He clenched his jaw and I could tell it was only a matter of time before he will finally snap.
“We were still together whilst they… They had your way with you! They touched what was mine!”
I flinched at his booming voice. Ivar was feared for a reason. His thirst for blood and domination over everything and everyone was evident. You don’t touch what is his, and they crossed a line as soon as they laid their eyes and then filthy paws on me.
“I couldn’t talk about it,” I whispered, my voice barely audible. I felt his eyes on me the whole time. “I couldn’t talk about it… to anyone, Ivar, “ I said, louder this time as I met his stare.
“Why?” His asked softly, almost pleading with me. Gods, I missed him. Even when his anger was targeted at me and those that have wronged us, even when he was covered in blood on the battlefields all those times, he was still the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes on. “You could have come to me with anything, you know that.”
“I couldn’t,” I said, simply. “I felt tainted. I felt dirty and untouchable. The bruises they gave me were still fresh, I felt them for weeks.” I could see what hearing this did to him. Pure hatred seeped from his eyes, and his fist clenched and unclenched. I could tell he was itching to lose control, grab something or slit someone’s throat.
“And then,” I continued. “You fucked a slave, Ivar. I was nearly ready to sit down, tell you what happened but you couldn’t wait, couldn’t be patient enough with me not to stick your dick into something else.”
He flinched at my lifeless, dejected tone. I knew there was no love, no emotion behind what I was saying. Not even an ounce of hatred. I cried out all that I needed the night before, and today it almost felt like all of it didn’t happen to me but to someone else, as if I was the bystander watching someone else’s life.
We sat there, staring at each other in silence. Seconds, maybe minutes have passed by before Ivar pushed himself up and slowly made his way to me. He sat next to me and reached out to touch my cheek with his fingertips. He traced my jaw, the freckles splattered on my face before lastly tracing my lips. His eyes followed the movement of his fingertips, but my eyes stayed focused on his face. His touch still sent shivers down my body, and it took everything I had not to lean in to seal my lips with his like I have done countless of times. I tried to remember the last time I tasted him, the last time I felt him inside me. I guess you never know when the last time will be the last.
“I didn’t sleep with her,” he finally whispered, his breath hot on my skin. “I realised what I was doing and I stopped, kicked her out and spent the night alone, wondering what I ever did to deserve you, only to mess it up.”
The newly revealed information took me back, though it didn’t change the fact that I felt just as betrayed as I did before. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, bracing myself to repeat the same words I have said to him before.
