I know I make it seem like I’m not afraid of anything and I don’t have any weaknesses but you don’t know that I save every voicemail my dad has ever left me because I know one day I won’t be able to hear his voice anymore. And that’s my weakness. Just thinking about that makes me cry the same way I cry about the things I said to my little sister when we were younger that I can’t take back. And the fact that she still wants to be exactly like me even though I used to yell at her for copying me and dressing like me and liking the same things as me completely breaks me because I know I don’t deserve it. She’s better than me in every way. And that’s what I think about when I’m alone. I know I do a great job at making it seem like I’m invincible and infallible and that I don’t care about working hard or doing what’s right as long as I get to have fun, and I wish I can say that’s completely wrong but it’s not. But I’d never hurt someone to get ahead. I’d never take credit for something I didn’t do. I’d never accept recognition or respect that I didn’t feel I earned. And my family taught me that. And yes, I’ve only had a couple jobs and they’ve all been easy and I breezed through college at my safety school where I drank five nights a week and I’ve never truly had to try at anything in my entire life. Meanwhile my brother has worked dozens of hard jobs and once he found what he loved he worked his fucking ass off to be good at it, and I know I can’t say that about myself. But the respect I have for him for that is immeasurable and he’ll never know. The people I share my DNA with are all stronger than me and better than me in so many ways but I like to think I have a little part of that in myself and I’m trying to show it. That’s why I seem strong and that’s why I seem fearless. But that’s just because you don’t know what I’m afraid of.
I left a part of me in North Carolina. And there’s still a part of me in a small apartment on the corner of 84th and Lex. And perhaps the biggest part of me will always be in a suburb outside of New York in a house that will always look the same with a garden with vegetables and a garage with a car that always needs to be worked on. But the rest of me, however big or small of a piece that may be, I can promise you, will always be with you.
“I want to pretend it was never good and we were just young and I was blind. But the truth is I’ve never seen another pair of eyes like yours and my mom still loves you.”
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i thought about you today
I can’t just stop thinking about him. I really want to move on because I know I deserve better, I deserve someone who will treat me well and would rate me. Please how can I move on from this boy it’s like I’m obsessed with him or what ?. I honestly just want to forget about this guy to be so honest.
You’re obsessed because you wanted something from him that you didn’t get. You feel like things ended too soon and it’s like the picture you had in your head was ripped apart and maybe you feel used or maybe you don’t have answers and that’s what is impossible to just stop caring about. That’s why the ones who hurt us are the hardest to forget. Because we thought they were different but we were so wrong and we hate being wrong about people. But you’ll heal, just keep telling yourself that he wasn’t special or good to you so it’s not him that you can’t get over, it’s not his personality or his heart, it’s the pain he caused you. And once you recover from that, which you will, he’ll have no power over you anymore. It just takes time.
Yes, I know today’s your birthday. and I’m going to know it’s your birthday every year for the rest of my life because some things I can’t erase. But that doesn’t mean you still have a place in my heart, because you don’t. And you don’t have a place in my mind either, unless I notice the date and it’s your birthday, or I’m drunk in a bar and that song is playing, or your sister shows up on my newsfeed. So what I’m saying is at this point you’re just muscle memory and that muscle just happens to be my heart.
Things happen to people all the time. Good things and bad things, and you hardly ever get to choose. You can hope, worry, and pray, and you still might not get what you want. You can be a good person and it might not matter. So you have to learn to live for the potential that comes with the fact that every day things are happening. Bad things but also good things.
Our lives go by in seconds. One day you’re begging the last 40 seconds of your peloton workout to go by faster and then you blink and you have two kids and your 40th birthday is next week and those 40 seconds that felt like they’d never end were ten years ago. So next time you find yourself wishing you could fast forward time just remember that pretty soon you’ll be wishing you could slow it down. Don’t take one second of right now for granted because one day you’re staring at the clock in detention in 7th grade and it feels like time is going by so slow and somehow those minutes turn into years and all of a sudden you’re picking up your own kid from the 7th grade dance and you have no idea how you got there at all