If a chicken orgasms while laying a egg. The chicken came first.

talking to my dad is a freaking minefield. Today at dinner I asked him if he’d ever been to New York City in the 90′s and he was like, “nope. Only in the 70′s to donate blood for my mom in the hospital while she was dying from leukemia.” I swear I didn’t even know my grandmother had leukemia (may she rest in peace). This is worse than the time I asked him if he’d ever had riding lessons and he said, “not since my childhood lesson pony burned to death in a barn fire in Kentucky.”

he just did it again! I was making small talk while we were carrying in the groceries like, “yeah I have a taser in my purse but I’ve never gotten to use it,” and he goes, “I’ve been tasered before it’s not fun. Neither was waterboarding.” 

wtf dad

latest edition:  me: I found a bottle of vic’s vapo rub in the cabinet that expired in 2002 but it was fine. 

my dad: Oh I don’t touch that stuff but guys I worked with used it to mask the smell of bodies that’d been dead for a while. 

is your dad an ex-assassin

An ex-assassin who loved his mum. And his pony.

The customer is never right

normalize the customer never being right

Nah. I had to spend ten minutes convincing a Starbucks barista that their Eggnog Chai doesn’t have coffee in it. It’s a tea, for goodness sakes.

She never believed me, but she did make me a “special” one with milk instead of espresso. *facepalm*

You mean the eggnog chai LATTE you fucking idiot? Die

The customer is always wrong and I can’t believe some poor barista had to deal with this foolishness on Black Friday none the less

no nonsense november. everyone just be fucking sensible for once.

once in elementary school i got a D on a test and i legitimately thought my parents were going to kill me so at recess we had a funeral and my friends picked me flowers and pieces of grass and let them blow away in the wind it was very dramatic i cried

why is this the funniest thing i’ve ever watched please watch this IM ROLLINGGG

Hey quick question do people actually wear jeans indoors at home? Like, as a casual thing to wear? As in you don’t plan on going out or anything you just put jeans on.

so many of you are saying yes what the fuck

Looks over at roommate ....

The person who put the tiny eraser at the end of pencil had really high expectations of people.

I have to reblog this every time because frankly this is absolutely genius prose

chameleon changes color

Hey so fun fact, my dad is good friends the woman who currently has this job and she told him that Trump’s admin is trying to force her out. They started advertising the job before they actually told her they were transferring her so she’d have to reapply.

Her name is Catherine (Cassie) Conley, and she’s a badass MIT grad that works as NASA’s planetary protection officer, which sounds super cool (though she says not as cool as the galactic administrator). The job is basically the only one in xenobiology (space life) and it’s her life’s work. She’s been doing this job for over 10 years and now Trump wants her out.

I’m beyond pissed that this keeps going around. I know it sounds like a joke job, but it’s a legitimate career that’s being taken away from literally one of the most intelligent women in the country by this asscactus of a presidency.

If ya’ll could signal boost this that’d be much appreciated. They need to know that this kind of bullshit isn’t acceptable

I was actually reading about this job in an NPR article and it sounds REALLY important. the job basically means you make sure we don’t contaminate any planets and anything we bring back like rocks or soil, etc doesn’t do the same here.

it’s wednesday yeah baby let’s roll in that mud

Growing house by Hideo Kumaki Architect Office 🍃

TGINK OF THE SPIDERS