i feel the darkness when away from you

My last post on this website.

First, I just want to say that I am not deleting my blog but I won’t be getting online anymore, and that is for a number of reasons. The main reason is that this website hasn’t actually offered me a sense of space where I could just be myself (which was the entirety of the reason I created this blog or ever created any blog here). I have literally been judged no matter what side I have shown of myself here. I realize that people’s perceptions of me are totally inaccurate, because what I show online is only a snipet of the person that I actually am. I feel as though that can be true for everyone who has an online presence, to a degree.

Having this blog hasn’t really benefited me in any way. This website has mainly brought negativity into my life. I used it as a place where I could share my thoughts on matters that I was going through, to vent, to talk about my interests and who I am, who I like, and what I am about. I used it as a place to say things that I could never say in real life to anyone, to talk about dark things that no one ever knew I might’ve faced. None of that actually helped me in reality, sharing those things. I realize now that none of that even matters. What matters is the real world, where nothing is filtered and where reality and truth is much more noticeable than in the online world. I have shared many parts of myself here, it has done nothing but left people confused, wondering who I “actually” am, it has caused people to believe that I was some perfect person whom had no flaws, it has caused some to even wonder if I was actually a female or not, it has caused a few to lust after me simply because of my appearance/attractiveness instead of real reasons why someone should be interested in another person, it has caused some to say that I am nothing but a sexual object, all because I posted nude photos on this blog in the past/used it as a place to talk about my sexual desires often. I was told I sought nothing but approval and attention, all the while, it was really just a place for me to release emotions when I couldn’t in real life; it was simply an outlet. My point of it all is that it has caused people to not have a realistic view of who I actually am and I am so tired of being judged by strangers, or by people who become a part of my life by meeting me online and who do not take the time to actually get to know me. I’m a very complex person who has a past, who has reasoning behind every single piece of me. I am emotionally unstable, making it hard for me to form bonds with other people in the right type of ways. I’ve never known what it felt like to actually have a close bond with anyone but with two people on this earth who have stuck with me through literally every phase of my life, who have endlessly been there no matter what I had brought to the table. I am a very insecure person in actuality and I don’t like many parts of myself. I used to enjoy coming to this website because I felt that I was accepted here and could share parts of myself with no judgment; I even felt confident sometimes here.

I’ve grown uninterested in sharing pieces of myself or of my life online in general, because the only person that should matter to is me. I know who I am. The truth is that there is only one person in this world who knows me fully and knows every single thing about me and other than maybe a couple of people who mean a lot to me that I have ties to right now, I plan to keep it that way, because no one needs to know who I am, it is not that important and neither am I, really. A person’s judgment should mean nothing to me, especially people who spent very little time getting to know who I am or people who know nothing about me. These judgments have done nothing but made me judge myself even harder, it has left me wondering what I am actually capable of in life, and has left me feeling worthless more than once. If I ever want to be the person who I am striving to be, the internet just has to go. The only people I am worried about are the people that actually care about me and my well-being, and the people who are right in front of me. I am ridding of my online presence for all of those reasons and I will not be back, but I do hope you all have enjoyed my blog or at least got a laugh out of it occasionally. To my mutuals that I have bonded with every now and again, I really hope things go well for you guys. A lot of you are very kind and accepting of me; I will always be appreciative of our conversations that we had.

I wish all of you the best.

This book I am reading is so, sooo good. It’s about a girl who realizes she loves another girl and it does not disappoint. The story is based on an older time period, I want to say 60s? (It hasn’t confirmed it, but just by the visuals and descriptions, it seems so). I’ve been reading it so much, I can’t stay off of my iBooks app. I am so into it, that I find myself reading the pages so quickly just so see how this story unfolds. It’s been a while since I’ve really made the time to get back into reading, so I’m thrilled.