dear r, I’ve spent the past year convincing myself i was not in love with you. i now know that i wasn’t even moderately successful. congratulations on your engagement. m

hey mom,

there's something i need to tell you. but i'm not sure you'll like. here it goes: i'm bisexual. i'm still me, despite what you might think. but yeah, i'm still the same girl you know and raised, i just like both girls and boys. and that shouldn't change the way you see me. 

except you'll probably hate me, cause that's not how you raised me

so that's why i don't think i'll ever tell you

-still your daughter

Dear KR

Remember when you told me about a friend that you were really close to, and now you barely talk? That's who we are now. I send you texts but you don't respond. It's difficult to talk on the phone when we are now in different time zones, but all of this started happening before I moved.

I could talk to you about anything. You were the only one I could freely tell about my depression. You were the only one who noticed when I was getting better. You were the only one who noticed my skin was starting to clear up, even when I didn't tell you that I started using a new product. 

I miss you. I know you have issues too, and you didn't really discuss them with me as much as I talked about my issues. Is that why you won't talk to me? Was I being a selfish bitch? I didn't want to push you. I'm so sorry.

I wish you the best. I don't know if I'll see you again. 

I hate it here by the way. I'm sure you were wondering if I'm having a blast after finally moving away. I'm not. I cry almost every day.

Love, PS

Dear A

I hope I am allowed to grieve the death of your family member. You and I haven’t spoken in 6 months, but a 4 year relationship can’t be ignored.

I cried a lot. I always think about the photo we took together, how she adored me and made sure to tell me I looked gorgeous.

I cried a lot. I feel guilty for being so sad. I’m sorry I put so much hurt on you. I guess it’s finally coming back around to me again.

I feel guilt for hoping that you come back into my life again.

Love B

Dear A,

Your mum texted me. She said she misses me.

I went to text you the other day but I’m trying to stand my ground. I want us to be able to live our independent lives but I also want you here.

Everyday I feel regret fill my body. Did I make a mistake? Everyday I have to remind myself that I did this for a reason. It’s too soon to see if you want to talk to me again, but what if the right time is too late.

I’m sorry I hurt you. I needed space. We needed to grow by ourselves. I’m hoping maybe we can grow together again.

Love B

dear h

i think i had slowly grown to love you. at first i masked it as a friendly love - of course i would love my closest friend and the one who took care of me better than my own family. but it wasn't the love i was saying it was. it was real love. i guess thats a bit dramatic - but i feel like its true.

but you are happy with her and she is so special. and i can't hate her. and she makes you so happy. so i'm gonna be ok with it.

you know whats funny? i didn't realize it was love until she came into the picture. as soon as i saw how the spcial way you treated me was truly as a friend, and the way you treat her is love - my heart shattered. maybe you know this...

anyway. now i'm slowly folding my love away so i don't get hurt. typical me, right? but i'll be ok. just wanted to tell you. i think i loved you. and that love will always stick with me. but i'm letting you go. my heart is letting you go

yours forever,

j

hey mom, it's me, again

i think i've said this once and i'll say it again: i should probably stop writing letters here and grow freaking balls and just talk to you

but yeah, i don't see that happening any time soon. in one hand because you and dad never me talk, and as soon as get a chance to talk, i start crying and all goes to hell

anyways, i though you should know: i'm not okay, like definitely not okay, like i've just an hour on the bathroom floor thinking of ways i could kill myself not okay. 

bare with me here

remember when i was a kid and you got depressed? i though it was my fault. 'cause i was always complaining about my brother. so i shut myself down as best as i could, so you'd get better. but i didn't work. 

and then we moved back home and you got a little better. and after every single fight with my brother, i'd try and talk to you and you'd said the worst mistake you ever made was having kids. ouch. imagine what's like for an eight year old to hear that. especially coming from her own mother. the one person supposed to love her no matter what. yeah, that made a number on me.

moving on, i got depressed (did anyone see that one coming?) and shut myself down even harder. and you and dad didn't even notice. and you did notice, you didn't bother to do anything. i guess the only thong that mattered was that my grades were still doing fine, right? yeah

cut to my high school years. remember i used to say i wanted to go far away to college? it was because i already couldn't take it anymore. the fights, the whatever bs my brother was up to just to spite me, my dad being too much and you not helping at all. 

and i did went away. and had a fucking panic attack. let me tell ya, not cool. i think that was my rock bottom. so i came back home, still depressed, and i had to stand there while brother jokes around about the bet he made that i wouldn't last a year away from home. and you and dad did nothing, again.

and through all these years, whenever shit got too much for you and dad, you guys would sit down with him, have these long talks and be so sure that things would be different from now on. but guess what? you guys never stood a chance. he's a freaking psychopath. he won't chance unless he wants to. and why would he? nothing ever really happens to him. he can just do whatever he wants and all that will happens is those long talks every couple of months. even when dad kicked him out, you guys let him came back after 3 months. what good did that do? 

so, excuse me, if i didn't think this last time we talked was gonna work. "but we can give up on him, he's still our son" you said. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? AM I NOT YOUR CHILD TOO? why does he get all this and i get nothing? whenever i ask to get out of this house you say no, you ask why. well, here's why I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, I'M DONE, and i have been for a while now. i'm not trying to run away when i'm asking to go to my apartment in jf. i'm just trying to preserve what little mental health i still have left.

and now, that grandpa has taken over my room, and i've been sleeping on the couch, i'm simply not sleeping at all. all the noises from outside and whatever won't let me sleep, and you know that. i'm a light sleeper. someone merely breaths next to me and i'm awake. so imagine trying to sleep with trucks and motorcycles passing on the street every couple of minutes. I'M EXHAUSTED and i'm about to break.

there's nothing to keep me going. nothing at all. i have no reason to live. i think the only reason i haven't killed myself yet, is because i don't have it in me to do it. because i'm just really fucking tired of all this, and i don't how much i can still take.

and now you still want me to go dress shopping to attend my brother graduation party and act like i don't hate him. damn, i should be an actor, cause that performance is worthy of a fucking Oscar.

so, hm, yeah, that's it for today

see you on the other side

c

Dear B

In two months it will be the end of high school and our paths separate. I don't think it will be the last letter I write you here but I felt the need to write you this. Thank you for being by my side for almost 2 years now, you were my first love, my first breakup, I loved being your girlfriend. Even though we tore each other apart, you are still the best part of all my high school years. You were all my first times, you loved me, maybe not like I deserved it but I know you loved me. We got lost after 5 months of relationship, we didn't talk to each other for another 5 months and this period has been the most difficult of my life so far. We gave ourselves another chance, we lasted 2 months and we tore each other again; I think I finally understood that we were not compatible, and that we functioned better as friends. I wish I could move forward but I know I couldn't do it as long as you are by my side every day. In two months it will be the end, the end of what we have been and of all that we will no longer be.Thank you for being my best friend today, I have suffered a lot from our relationship, but I have no regrets because today we are functioning very well as we are. I love you no matter the way but I'm not in love with you anymore cause I know you can't give me what I need and it's sad because I don't know if I can say i'm cured of this idea but at least i'm trying. When in two months we will be miles from each other and not hand in hand in high school like we do know, I could imagine myself with someone other than you, but for now it is not the case. I wish you find someone who will succeed where I have failed. I wish I could find someone who will give me the love I need. I'm not saying goodbye to you right away, although just thinking about it makes me cry. I will never forget you, I think I don't want it deep down, no matter if our relationship was toxic or still is, I wouldn't have liked to go through it all with someone else . I hope that even if we won't see each other every day in two months, we will continue to give each other news from time to time. I don't know if I could love someone like I loved you, and it scares me, but I would force myself to try. Far from the eyes, close to the heart isn't it? I will always be there if you need me and you know it. Forever grateful for you, hope you are too. S.

Caro Well-dressed stranger T,

ultimamente ti ho pensato così tanto che sono giunta al punto di sognarti. Ho sognato delle conversazioni che purtroppo non abbiamo mai avuto modo di avere. 

Io non ci capisco: ripetiamo gli stessi errori un miliardo di volte, siamo così diversi da farci paura eppure ci cerchiamo e confidiamo ancora. 

Come di rito abbiamo smesso di sentirci per alcuni mesi e devo ammettere che il desiderio di ricevere un tuo messaggio non è ancora scomparso... ma questa volta ho il presentimento che le cose non torneranno come al solito. 

Che strano rapporto che abbiamo: siamo amici, ma c'è del tenero, poi ci detestiamo, torniamo ad essere amici, poi ritorniamo ad essere degli sconosciuti. 

Questa lettera è così incasinata, come il nostro rapporto, ma ho bisogno di scriverla, non riesco più a tenermi tutto dentro. 

A volte sono convinta di averci messo una pietra sopra e di essere andata oltre a tutto questo casino, ma è nel buio della notte o nelle canzoni che suono quando sono da sola che mi sovrasta la malinconia... ironico, no? Tu che la prima volta che hai avuto un discorso con me mi hai parlato di quanto vivi immerso nella malinconia; ora però non ne sono più convinta. 

Non so se ti passo mai per la mente, ma sono sicura che per te sia più facile in questo momento non pensarmi: la tua vita ha preso una svolta per te inaspettata ed adesso la stai vivendo senza pensare a ciò che è rimasto indietro. 

Anche la mia starà per subire un enorme cambiamento, quindi mi voglio concedere di non pensarti più e di lasciarti nel mio passato. Magari un giorno le nostre strade si rincontreranno, ma ora desidero spegnere la fiamma della speranza che mi rimane, non ho né il tempo né la voglia più di correre dietro ai tuoi fantasmi. 

Perché non ti ho più scritto? Perché stavo iniziando a provare ciò che ho provato con altre persone del mio passato velenoso: io do 100, ma ricevo meno di 100. Non funzionano così i rapporti sani; mi sono allontanata per me stessa e anche un po' per te, perché ho capito di non avere più un mio spazio nella tua vita, o almeno non per ora. 

So che questa lettera suonerà melodrammatica, ma un po' me la merito di scrivere. Sono stufa di dovere tacere e tenermi tutto sempre dentro. Se la leggerai o meno a me non interessa onestamente. 

Una cosa su cui mi hai fatto riflettere è che le amicizie non hanno mai ne un inizio né una fine ed è per questo che è difficile lasciare andare qualcuno. Le amicizie non sono come le relazioni in cui c'è una data di inizio e una frase tipo "non possiamo più stare assieme" a concluderla.

Molto spesso mi sono ritrovata a pensare "ma se fossimo stati assieme?"... ora come ora non saprei dirti come sarebbe stato, ma ho la sensazione che non sarebbe comunque stato quello che ci aspettavamo e desideravamo. 

Anche se il ghiaccio che c'è adesso tra di noi si sciogliesse resterebbe comunque una freddezza e un distacco/distanza difficile da colmare. Sono consapevole che non potremmo avere il rapporto meraviglioso e senza problemi che la mia testa si immagina, ma a volte vorrei solamente tornare su quella panchina/tenda/stazione a guardare le stelle oppure coricarmi sul tuo divano o in camera tua a canticchiare fino a che il silenzio cali tra di noi. 

Per quanto i nostri gesti e le nostre parole sapevano essere cringe, i nostri silenzi e le nostre canzoni riempivano il mio cuore di sicurezza e calore. 

Un po' mi manchi, ma ormai forse è da lasciare andare anche questa. Mi rendo conto che la frase che V mi aveva detto in 3 superiore "Ogni lasciata andare è una persa" si applica benissimo a noi, è per quanto adesso possa fare male, so che alla fine probabilmente avrà un suo senso.

Nel male e nel bene, grazie per l'avventura

Wallflower M

l, we met over a year ago and at first we weren’t great friends. and then you moved away for college and we really didn’t talk, but then you came back. you became one of my best friends in such a short time. you became such an important person in my life. then slowly i started to realize i wasn’t important to you. you constantly put other people above me over the expense of my feelings. it wouldn’t even be a big deal except for the fact that you do it consistently. canceling on me last minute for plans with no explanation only for me to find out it’s because you got a better offer. ditching me at the mall with “e” and not telling me where you guys went when you knew i had work and you had all my stuff. making me feel like i had to drive him home when i had no gas in my tank and not one if you guys offering to pay me a dime in gas. telling my best friend something that you weren’t supposed to say to anyone just to prove “you were the better friend”. you are manipulative and self-centered and even now when i try to talk to you about the things you are doing to make me upset you either brush it off with a half-ass apology or make me feel bad. you have consistently showed me that i’m not important to you. that you don’t care about anything that has to do with me as long as you don’t have to feel bad. you have made me feel like a horrible friend for doing things to you that you do to me. you act like i’m supposed to be this perfect friend and you can do whatever the hell you want to do. you once said that “s” was more important to me then you and i didn’t give you an answer i laughed it off. but at the time you were the most important person in my life. i would’ve done anything for you, but now i’m realizing that i’m slowly losing myself to make sure you are okay. i’m breaking into pieces to make sure that i never upset you. just leaving you delivered makes me cringe but it’s something i have to do to distance myself from you. it’s kind of funny thinking about it bc when you broke the frame i gave you for your birthday (bc you didn’t take it inside and forgot it was in the car and someone sat on it) and you accidentally broke the bracelet i gave you i joked and said maybe it was a sign of how our friendship was going to go. and you laughed and said no because we couldn’t leave each other. it’s funny how i was the one who turned out to be right. -r

to s’s next, i wish him and you (whoever you are) total happiness, but you still deserve warning. I promise I’m not a bitter and twisted ex, but I was his best friend for 4 years before that changed which meant I saw his behaviour with previous partners before me and so I believe I can speak to his character up until we lost contact (for good reason). S was completely incapable of emotionally committing to a new partner until time came for that relationship to end, and then was fully committed beyond reason once that relationship was over. I cannot explain why he was this way and trust me I have grasped at straws to understand it, he did this with four woman (that I witnessed) before me. He was also utterly incapable of being truthful in his feelings with a parter, he would (and I believe always will) go the path of least resistance. If telling you he loves you is easier than a conversation admitting he doesn’t, he will do it. I watched him do it with two other women before me. S has so many wonderful qualities! He’s generous, charismatic, loves deeply when he’ll allow himself to and has potential beyond explanation. But unfortunately he’s lived so long in the slack that those around him continuously cut him and I couldn’t bear compromising myself for a relationship with a man who would tell me he loved me because it was easier than admitting he wasn’t. Please know he’s had two big loves already and had completely disregarded the the thought of another any time soon, whether he’ll admit that or not. If you are the exception I truly wish you both well. Happiness suits him.

J,

Hi. You don’t know me, really. I met you once. At a meeting for a club we were in. Well, I’m still in it. You graduated. The other time you were on your bike and you rode past me and said hello and I did too. It was springtime. 

 You’ve been in my internship this whole semester. You’re a leader or something. I see you on zoom each week. We’re not really the same group though so we don’t talk. I haven’t gotten to know you, but I see you there. I know my friend went on a date with you once. People know you.  

I see you. With your amazingly cute hairstyle and wonderfully big glasses. Your nose ring. Your smile. Your clothes.

 You don’t know me. 

How can I be enthralled with someone who doesn’t know me?

 The time I met you I was still with my boyfriend. And I remember thinking, in that meeting, that if I were to like girls, or anyone other than men, you’d be someone id like. 

You helped me understand that im queer.  Thank you. You have no idea.

I feel so much shame. Why did I have to realize now?  I love my queerness. But I think youre leaving our college town after this internship, so I don’t know if I will ever see you again. Should I reach out? Say something? Is it worth it?

What is it like to be painfully enthralled with someone who is leaving?

Have I created a false fantasy of us being together one day in my mind all this time?

What am I thinking?

I’m so scared?

I just want to kiss you. I imagine how wonderful you must taste.

Your voice is so incredible. Gosh, it is just so cute. 

I can’t believe it took me this long to realize. Why couldn’t I have had let myself have a crush on you while you were still in school? What is this! This is so unfair! there is so much pain from everything else. everything has so much pain within it. I am constantly trying to escape and push through and heal and jump and dance.

And I don’t imagine being with you would be any escape from that pain, but it would just be joyful. 

I want joy so badly.

I imagine us running down the beach, tripping over ourselves and ending up in the sand. Laughing, kissing, dancing to music.

 Is that just my dream?

 I imagine us running into the ice-cold lake and coming out screaming.

Going home and showering together and kissing you pressed up against the wall. Being with each other as day turns to night. 

Waking up. Making pancakes, being silly. Syrup. Blueberries. More laughter.

Is this just me not wanting to be with myself? Or is this just a crush? I can’t tell. I can’t tell what is an escape and what is not. I don’t know what I deserve.

I do know that I just would love to kiss you and hold you in my arms. Who are you? I don’t really know.

Do I know me? 

I just can’t stop crying. 

A

Dear A, Hah. Never thought I'd be writing here about you. It's... been a while, hasn't it? Seventeen months to be exact, if my math is correct.  Why did you do what you did? That's all I want to know. We promised each other that we would never hurt people with our games. We detested others for doing that. But the minute I step away... you shift. Completely. Was it to spite me? Did you think by going down this road it would drag me back to you? To pull you back on course? All it did was shove me even further away because you traumatized our friends. Now, to be fair, I didn't give you a reason for my stepping away. A few told me I should, others told me I didn't owe you anything. I just needed to get over the constant anxiety that loomed at the very thought of talking to you. That's what pushed me away from you initially if I'm being honest. You.... turned out to be the source of my anxiety. Sure I don't have an actual diagnosis, and sometimes I think I should go get one, but for the most part... I'm better. You slammed me with a real downward spiral for a minute, though. And let me tell you, all I thought about for months was unblocking you and reaching out to you. I'm not sure how I kept from doing it. However, I did attempt a couple of times... They didn't go through because - the first time, I had you blocked, and the second time we didn't share any mutual servers.  The other thing that pushed me away was the way that you seemed to put the entire world second best to your girlfriend. Now I'm not saying you can't have a significant other, do what you will. But you went from talking to me every single day for two to three years to maybe once every week or two. My attempts to reach out to you the last few months of our friendship felt like I was unheard and unwanted. And the few sparing moments you did reach out to me... You completely ignored what I had to say, instead promoting your own games, that frankly, you were making way too many of to even be remotely consistent or original. ...I actually cared about you, y'know? Essentially considered you my little sister. I'd have gone to the ends of the earth for you. I stressed so many times over your safety and well being. Now I know this letter is everywhere. I just need to get the thoughts down. Get rid of whatever seems to drag me into wondering what you're up to every so often. You got to this point where you changed. You weren't the person I'd met. The person I wanted to meet in real life someday. Now some change is good, of course, but this change wasn't. You hurt me, and come to find out many, many months later, you hurt so many others. Gave others anxiety. PTSD. From what I can tell, you even brainwashed your then-girlfriend, now ex. And for what? Because you were having fun? That isn't okay. And then to run and hide because you were being called out. Own up to your mistakes. Apologize.  Not only that, but you went and you stole from me. Not tangible things, but my own stories, trying to pass them off as yours. You took mutual friends and you turned them against me, claiming they were now your new best friend because I was gone. Look how bad of a person she is, be my best friend instead, ignore her, don't give her the light of day.  So again - I wanted to meet you once. Explore the world with you. Bring our ideas to life. Hell, I wanted to write like you. Pull things off like you. Turns out I'm better without you. You were a platonic soulmate, if only for just a moment. -A

Anyone, I want to move out. Except, not really. I love my family, and I love living with them and I love my house. But I want to move out and get an apartment. I want to have friends over for dinner and games. I want a girlfriend that I can invite over and have privacy away from my family. I want my own family, and I know it’s cliche but I want the house with the kids and a wife and a dog. I want to cook for my family. I know I’m not at a point in life where I’m ready to move out. I want to finish school first and be responsible, but I’m also tired of just waiting until it’s the right time in life to do these things. -A

j, do you have any idea at all how much you drive me crazy? and yes all of it makes me smile and go all warm and fuzzy inside. but it also makes me want to deck you !!!!! i like you so much i like you so SO much and i have no idea how you feel about me and one day it will fully make me lose my mind. here’s a list of things you’ve said to me only in the past few days that have all made me go various levels of absolutely batshit crazy. - “you should come to my actual prom” (if you didn’t live so fucking far away i would have definitely taken you up on that) - “you and me” (in reference to a tweet about boyfriends) - “it’s weirdly domestic” (in reference to us watching cable tv together through screen sharing) - the entire conversation that followed - “i ain’t leaving” (when i was looking at plane ticket prices and accidentally sent one way tickets. i responded “good.”) - “people would ship us

dummie, 

hey there dummie. it's been 2 years since i've last written to you on here. i am not sure though. 

one year ago i found out some terrible news about you. a terminal condition with no cure.  a year later i still can't grasp my mind around it.  i don't think i will, 10 years later either.

fucking hell, dummie, i thought we have forever. 

anyway, you'll always be my forever.

with love, from dummie, forever and ever.