true affection

do they know the only reason i joked really harsh things is to not show how i actually feel?

do they know i wish i wasn't acting so much like them? do they know i wish i was... a different person. i wish my skin was lighter, i wish i didn't look average and i wish i was less cruel to see things.

do they know that sometimes there are things i would rather not say?

do they know... everyday i get jealous of people in love, even though they're thousand of miles apart? do they know i wished it was me?

do they know... i'm happy for them and i'm becoming happier on my own, but i wish at that one time i wasn't stupid enough.

do they know?

thinking about how i almost destroyed my closest friendships today because of jealousy.

alright guys, i let you down. i didn't graduate in august. it's a long story.

shortly after my journal is published, i became severely depressed i couldn't even do anything outside my job. i didn't show it to my coworkers and just pretending everything was alright, but deep inside i always thought i should just drop out because i'm useless. i lost count of how many times i wanted to kill myself for the past 8 months because i thought i was worth nothing. then i've developed a terrible habit of obsessively scrolling through twitter, tiktok and news websites (i don't use fb and insta anymore) before sleeping and it increased my anxiety. there's always a guilt feeling for me if i don't stay updated with any political/human rights related news. i've been crying my eyes out the night before going to work telling myself to stop scrolling but i couldn't.

no matter how many friends or close coworkers i have, i always felt so alone. i thought nobody could relate to me that's why i dipped. all my friends are graduating without hassles, getting married, getting decent jobs (not to say i have a terrible job, i enjoy my current job and it pays above minimum wage). you might be wondering, how is somebody with a gpa of 3.6/4.0 still can't even graduate bachelors for 5 years? you're currently reading the reason why right now. i felt so ashamed, and stupid.

tomorrow i'm going to text my professor about how should i continue my thesis, as a sign to finally seek help.

i'm going to return to this post in the next 4 months - maybe around christmas to see things are getting better. i promise i'll go through it. i'm crying right now - but it's the cry of feeling freed from the burdens of my negative thoughts.