That’s it, Dinah. If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn’t. And, contrariwise, what it is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would.

he just assumes stuff. 

“i can leave the door open while i’m cleaning my bathroom,” i reasoned to myself. “surely my beloved cat, Meatball, isn’t dumb enough to try and jump into an open toilet full of Clorox”

i caught this tiny-little fool MID-FUCKING-AIR. i watched him start leaping and time literally slowed down. and then he had the audacity, the NERVE, to beep indignantly at me for ruining his plans

his name is what

his name is Meatball

This boomer comic incinerated every “I hate my wife” comic instantly

Away from the flock

Okay so the art is BREATHAKING but the lower image is fucking hilarious.

Can we please stop associating being a good person with how much you're willing to suffer in silence for other people? You can be a kind person and still say "no, I don't have the time/energy to help you with that." You can be a kind person and still say "this makes me uncomfortable, please stop." You can be a kind person and still say "I disagree and here's why." You can be kind and still say "I'm not okay with this." Being kind is about treating people with kindness and respect, not about being the human equivalent of a doormat!

You like hurt/comfort because you like the idea that someone will comfort you when you are in pain.

Okay okay okay, so there’s this famous artist in my town who’s a tool, but he’s very successful. Everyone owns something he’s made.

Now, I personally am not big in his style- just a personal preference that has nothing to do with his personality, but it’s relevant to the story.

Anyhow, I was at the thrift store by my place the other day, and I see this super cool looking painting- and I love it, but it’s like $700 and I don’t have that kind of money.

I get to the till and the manager and I get to talking. It turns out the painting was one of this artist’s early pieces.

I’m just surprised, cause like. It’s REALLY cool looking, and nothing like his signature style.

I tell the owner I’d love to buy it, but can’t afford the tag.

SHE says, “oh, that’s not the actual price, you can have it for $300”.

I am understandably confused.

IT TURNS OUT, the artist HIMSELF absolutely HATES his early work, and when he found out this place had one of his old paintings, he tried to buy it back, supposedly so he could set it on fire or something, BUT THE OWNER THINKS HE’S AN ASS SO SHE JACKED UP THE TAG PRICE.

So. SO. She has this painting nobody wants to buy because it *says* it’s crazy expensive, but she WANTS to get rid of it, because this guy KEEPS COMING IN TO TRY AND BUY IT BACK, and SHE HATES SEEING HIM BECAUSE HE’S A TOOL.

So she is DESPERATE to sell it off, just not to him, because fuck this guy.

So I said. I said, that’s amazing. I also dislike this person. But I love this painting. And if you give me a couple weeks to save up. I will buy it off you. And he will never have it.

SHE SAID YES.

I’ve never been so excited to blow 300 bucks guys

HOLY FUCKING SHITFUCK NONE OF YOU ARE GONNA BELEUVE THIS BUT THIS ASS, THIS TOTAL ASS, HE SHOWED UP AT MY WORK TODAY AND CUT THE LINE IN FRONT OF LIKE 40 PEOPLE HOLY SHIT, HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT IVE BEEN PLANNING AND I GOT TO YELL AT HIM, HE HAS NO FUCKING CLUE

How small is your town that you can just tell at your local famous artist lmao that’s amazing

THATS THE CRAZY THING THOUGH, IVE NEVER MET HIM IN PERSON BEFORE IN MY LIFE, THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME

Random thrift store owner: “BY BUYING THIS PAINTING YOU CONFIRM THAT YOU ARE NOT THAT TOOL, YOU ARE IN NO WAY AFFILIATED TO THAT TOOL, YOU ARE NOT PURCHASING THIS ITEM ON BEHALF OF THAT TOOL OR AN ASSOCIATE OF THAT TOOL. TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE INFORMATION AND BELIEF THIS PAINTING WILL NOT MAKE ITS WAY INTO THAT HANDS OF THAT TOOL.”

Every time i start a new vido game:

While feeding my fish I made a comment to my mom how one is getting a lil chubby and she suggested that maybe the fish was pregnant, but I had to break the news to her that both fish in the tank were boys and she goes “well maybe they’re gay, Natalie, did you think about that?” and I swear her tone was so perfectly condescending and Knowing™ that for a split second I actually felt bad for judging my fish’s relationship before I was like

When someone with a legit high quality blog starts following me.:

A M A Z I N G

Every word in that sentence is better than the last

the fact that they had time to set this all up without the cats absolutely decimating it is a feat in and of itself