mutuals you would sit on a power line like little birds with

if yr doing a final girl in yr horror movie YOU NEED TO KILL HER BOYFRIEND that's the absolute rule

literally so embarrassing to have someone go "i don't go here" or "what's this from?" on my art and it's a rarepair/crackship that is in no way representative of the source material... and i have to be like. well you see, the rest of the restaurant's menu is not like this. i'm doing my own thing eating black olives right out of the can in the back-of-house. whether or not you want me to throw you a can, you have to understand that's not what they serve out front

Sometimes you notice someone eating good olives out of a can and that's what gets you interested in the rest of the auraunt

[names my sons cain and abel] alright. get to it

wait wtf is cream soda

cause when we're creaming and popping...

we’re cropping?

we're peaming

there’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach

0/5 stars. This man kept removing his hands from the steering wheel and turning to ask “are you scared?”

i was supposed to go to bed an hour ago dont tell my mom

my mom says i have to go to bed now which one of u meaners told

who the fudge changed ‘fudgers’ to ‘meaners’

WHO CHANGED IT FROM FUDGERS TO FUDGERS I WILL KISS THE POPSICLE DONT TICKLE ME JAMBOREE

and here we have an artifact of the days when you could edit posts when you reblogged…now we are all Internet Archeologists

Tumblr Code.

If I ever see any of you in public, the code is horrifying weapon attack

The response will be collapsing into a bloody heap!

must keep reblogering!! Im going to be so suspicious if any one fells me with a single wicked blow now!

Will do, buckaroo. Although, I have no idea how old this post is sooo

oh wow I haven't seen this post in years. how did people find it again? back when I wrote that, I was still a beautiful young maiden of marrying age...

op wasn't this written 3 days ago

time sure flies, huh? those days feel like forever ago. I mean, it's like I'm a completely different person, I don't know what to say. I can still remember sitting by the lake, tracing reeds across the water's surface and promising that those beautiful days of summer would last forever...

writing smut like

how many synonyms for “penis” do I actually know?

and how many of those synonyms am I actually willing to use

tier 1 (most accepted, considered sexy): cock, dick

tier 2 (generally accepted): length, manhood, member, shaft

tier 3 (clinical, too formal, but not cheesy): groin, penis, phallus

tier 4 (cheesy, barely acceptable): [insert name] Jr., dong, junk, knob, prick, rod, tool, wand, wood

tier 5 (ridiculous, unacceptable, pls don’t): anything to do with beer cans, baby-maker, bishop, choad, donger, dragon, fuck wand, fun stick, hog, johnson, jimmy, lap rocket, little [insert name], love muscle/rod/stick, meat stick, one-eyed [anything], piston, private eye, schlong, trouser snake, wiener, winkie

tier 6 (you’re literally a fourth grader): baby arm, baloney pony, beaver basher, beef whistle, custard launcher, dude piston, flesh flute, heat-seeking moisture missile, krull the warrior king, luigi, mayo shooting hotdog gun, meter long king kong dong, pig skin bus, piss weasle, purple-headed yogurt flinger, purple-helmeted warrior of love, schlong dongadoodle, single barreled pump action bollock, spawn hammer, steamin’ semen truck, tan banana, thundersword, wang doodle, whoopie stick, wing wang doodle, yogurt shotgun 

tier 3 (clinical,

too formal, but not cheesy):

groin, penis, phallus

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

pre-fame hozier tweeting this casually in 2012 like it isn’t the best fucking joke i’ve ever heard in my life, decimating all my brain cells instantly

this would have got 100k notes as a tumblr post in 2018

they did not call me any particular nickname in college because I did not have any characteristics or traits

you're in a girl's room and she's weird

what do you do?

>Ask her about the Plushies on her Bed

>Make out Sloppy Style

hard to describe the feeling of beating off