@recipeboggle / recipeboggle.tumblr.com
Described as: “This Raspberry & Coconut cake is like a Victoria sponge, with a twist...A delicious, simple celebration cake!”
The cake is made with coconut pulp but the real twist is this: “note: I have left it completely unsweetened. If you are a complete sweet tooth though then I’d suggest just adding a bit of a natural sweetener to the coconut cream mix. For example a dash of maple syrup.” A dash? A DASH?!!
Ooh these have a glaze! (Note: you will have to heat up coconut oil, individually dip, & cool each “donut hole” at least 3 times to get the attractive glaze shown here.)
Of course I’m mildly frustrated that this is yet another recipe that’s just oats+dates+cashews smooshed together. But what interested me is that pretty much every other sentence in the recipe contradicts the other. It starts as hyperbolic as could be hoped: “OMG. Magical sweet balls of glory. Glorious magic balls of sweetness. Sweet balls of magical gloriousness. Call them what you want: these are INCREDIBLE. The glaze is sexy, the donut holes are moist and flavourful, the whole package is a winner. “ She immediately walks it back with “any raw / vegan recipe inspired by a cooked / non-vegan one (like burgers, pizza, cake, etc.) isn't ever going to be able to replicate exactly what you're going for.” and “[the donut holes are] essentially just power bars in the shape of balls” but then realizes she’s losing her audience and hypes it back up with, “they end up turning out like a rich dessert or daytime treat.” In the end you’re still getting the classic raw vegan hard ball of dates&nuts masquerading as a fluffy donut hole.
This recipe for vegan pancakes and vegan ice cream is perfectly fine...
But it does amuse me that you’re functionally just eating one banana (plus chocolate chips) over another banana (plus flour & baking powder).
Oooh a strawberry milkshake cheesecake! I can’t wait to enjoy the delicious taste of fresh strawberries and cream!
Oh wait. It’s strawberry Nesquik and cool whip. Guess I’ll be enjoying the delicious taste of a chemical bath instead.
Ooh, a peanut butter pie!
Oh wait.
Oh no.
It’s “healthy,” “gluten-free,” “grain-free,” “raw vegan,” and “keto-friendly.”
Sigh. Well, let’s look at the ingredients--yep, monkfruit to sweeten, chia seeds, and coconut everything. Whyyyyy.
It’s a bacon and egg slider that’s keto! How great! Wait a second...Is that bun...
An EGG?
Easy! No bake! Healthy! Donuts!
How is this miracle achieved, you might ask?
Well they’re apple slices. Apple slices you put sprinkles on.
Who has time for this?!
Basically, grind up some boiled beets, add in some hibiscus tea and oat cream, and pour that into a crust made out of the inevitable nuts&seeds&coconut oil combo. Don’t worry about adding sugar or anything to this dessert, since: “There is enough sweetness coming from the beets, vanilla, cinnamon and the cream and not necessary to be adding much more.“
I can guarantee you right now there is not “enough sweetness coming from the beets” to make this a satisfying dessert. Or a dessert at all. Stop lying to meeee.
“Fudge that tastes just like bubblegum” is only enticing if you’ve never had fudge and never had bubblegum. The concept is terrible, but the execution--it’s made with marshmallow creme?! white chocolate!? bubblegum flavor?!? Please no.
I have no issue with the recipe itself, aside from the green food coloring. But that addition is dire: look at the picture of this cake and tell me it doesn’t look like pus leaking down mold.
Create a pie crust out of mayonnaise-y potato salad, then fill that pie crust with more mayonnaise! It’s a win-win!
Seriously though, how did the earlier generations survive this kind of cuisine?
The focus of this post is on the “revelation” that you can make cream horns with premade puff pastry, which is no revelation to anyone on the planet. What caught my eye was the filling recipe. Instead of just whipping cream and sugar together, “Housewife Barbie” suggests combining crisco, marshmallow creme, butter, and powdered sugar. This will create the stiffest, stickiest “cream” filling imaginable...
good god can you imagine biting into one of these monstrosities?
I will not dye my innocent hardboiled eggs lurid colors, you monsters.
The recipe maker advertises this as a vegan, oil-free cinnamon roll in a mug, but immediately runs into problems.
1)you oil the mug so I dunno that this is really “oil free”
2)the dough recipe is literally just flour and water, microwaved. To absolutely no one’s surprise, if you microwave flour and water for 45 seconds, you are not left with a cinnamon roll, you are left with basically raw tasting flour.
3)Best of all, apparently enough people had problems with this recipe that there’s a whole long screed in the very recipe about how people need to lower their expectations and not be so unreasonable as to expect a real cinnamon roll out of this recipe.
The worst thing about the recipe for these paleo cookie dough protein bars is that it taught me that “vanilla bone broth” exists.
The recipe list for this “healthy peanut butter fudge” is like a rogue’s gallery of terrible choices.
Psyllium husk powder!
Erythritol!
Butter flavor extract!
Low fat cottage cheese!
And at last, peanut flour!
If someone tried to feed me this I would eat them.
Red velvet fudge that’s “sugar free, low carb, keto, raw, and vegan.” How?! You might ask. Well you roast a bunch of beets (HOW IS THIS RAW) and then smash it up with some nuts and oil. Just like red velvet fudge, in the sense that it’s reddish!
