HERE’S THE THING THOUGH

I used to work for a call center and I was doing a political survey and I called this number that was randomly generated for me and the way our system worked was voice-activated so when the other person said hello you’d get connected to them, so I just launch right into my “Harvard University and NPR blah blah blah” thing and then there’s this long pause and I think the person’s hung up even though I didn’t hear a click

And then I hear “you shouldn’t be able to call this number.”

So I apologize and go into the preset spiel about because we aren’t selling anything, etc. etc. and the answer I get is

“No, I know that. What I mean is that it should be impossible for you to call this number, and I need to know how you got it.”

I explain that it’s randomly generated and I’m very sorry for bothering him, and go to hang up. And before I can click terminate, I hear:

“Ma’am, this is a matter of national security.”

I accidentally called the director of the FBI.

My job got investigated because a computer randomly spit out a number to the Pentagon.

This is my new favourite story.

When I was in college I got a job working for a company that manages major air-travel data. It was a temp gig working their out of date system while they moved over to a new one, since my knowing MS Dos apparently made me qualified.

There was no MS Dos involved. Instead, there was a proprietary type-based OS and an actually-uses-transistors refrigerator-sized computer with switches I had to trip at certain times during the night as I watched the data flow from six pm to six AM on Fridays and weekends. If things got stuck, I reset the server. 

The company handled everything from low-end data (hotel and car reservations) to flight plans and tower information. I was weighed every time I came in to make sure it was me. Areas of the building had retina scanners on doors. 

During training. they took us through all the procedures. Including the procedures for the red phone. There was, literally, a red phone on the shelf above my desk. “This is a holdover from the cold war.” They said. “It isn’t going to come up, but here’s the deal. In case of nuclear war or other nation-wide disaster, the phone will ring. Pick up the phone, state your name and station, and await instructions. Do whatever you are told.”

So my third night there, it’s around 2am and there’s a ringing sound. 

I look up, slowly. The Red phone is ringing.

So I reach out, I pick up the phone. I give my name and station number. And I hear every station head in the building do the exact same. One after another, voices giving names and numbers. Then silence for the space of two breaths. Silence broken by…

“Uh… Is Shantavia there?”

It turns out that every toll free, 1-900 or priority number has a corresponding local number that it routs to at its actual destination. Some poor teenage girl was trying to dial a friend of hers, mixed up the numbers, and got the atomic attack alert line for a major air-travel corporation’s command center in the mid-west United States.

There’s another pause, and the guys over in the main data room are cracking up. The overnight site head is saying “I think you have the wrong number, ma’am.” and I’m standing there having faced the specter of nuclear annihilation before I was old enough to legally drink.

The red phone never rang again while I was there, so the people doing my training were only slightly wrong in their estimation of how often the doomsday phone would ring. 

Every time I try to find this story, I end up having to search google with a variety of terms that I’m sure have gotten me flagged by some watchlist, so I’m reblogging it again where I swear I’ve reblogged it before.

But none of these stories even come close to the best one of them all; a wrong number is how the NORAD Santa Tracker got started.

Seriously, this is legit.

In December 1955, Sears decided to run a Santa hotline.  Here’s the ad they posted.

Only problem is, they misprinted the number.  And the number they printed?  It went straight through to fucking NORAD.  This was in the middle of the Cold War, when early warning radar was the only thing keeping nuclear annihilation at bay.  NORAD was the front line.

And it wasn’t just any number at NORAD.  Oh no no no.

And then, it got better.

For real.

So yeah.  I think that might be the best wrong number of all time.

Source:  http://www.npr.org/2014/12/19/371647099/norads-santa-tracker-began-with-a-typo-and-a-good-sport

OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS.

I’ve seen the first post a bunch of times, but never the story of How The Santa Tracker Started.

Everybody reblog with your quarantine nickname. I’m malaised poptart

Heartbroken Donut

Tired noodle

Ok potato

Famished Egg

THIS IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT

my mom was 17 and my dad was 27 when they got together and they’re still together now after almost 40 years and they love their life and raised me and my sister in the best way ever!

and my whole life my parents told me that my mom was very mature and my dad even says that he never felt as sure of a relationship, he knew he could trust my mom and he asked her for advice and he treated her with the utmost respect. mom always says they were deeply in love and she had never wanted ANYONE before my dad but he just stole her heart since they were so in harmony together.

IT DEPENDS, NOT ALL TEENS CAN SUSTAIN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MUCH OLDER MAN BUT SOME CAN!

no

no

no 

nonononono oh my fucking god

no

For starters, I’m happy your mom and dad and you and your sister are happy, that’s fantastic, I’m glad it worked out.

but this is seriously fucked up

GROWN-ASS MEN. SHOULD NOT. BE ATTRACTED. TO TEENAGERS. NO. NO. NO.

I’m a 17 year old dude and I physically can not be attracted to someone more than a year younger than me, because they are immature, they just are, no matter how ‘mature’ they are, they. are. fucking. CHILDREN. I AM A CHILD. I have changed so, so much since just last year, and I know I will change even more this year. Teenagers ARE CHILDREN. They are STILL going through puberty, they are still growing, their minds are NOT adult yet. Even if they are 18, they’re still trying to find their way in the world and their brains STILL AREN’T MATURED. You ask ANY 30+ year old about their 18 year old selves and 99% of them will say how naive they were or how they wouldn’t make the same choices they made then, now.

The fact that your mom ACTED mature as a kid and had her head screwed on straight is great, but that makes it even worse to think that she could handle that kind of relationship. That’s like saying the 12 year olds that are super precocious and intelligent are ready for a relationship, just because they’re ~so mature.~

What if she was 16. What if she was 15. What if she was 14. What if, what if. She’s still mature for her age, right? What makes those ages any less okay?

NO 27 YEAR OLD GUY SHOULD BE ATTRACTED TO A FUCKING MINOR. NO 27 YEAR OLD GUY SHOULD WANT TO DATE A MINOR. NO 27 YEAR OLD GUY SHOULD ACT ON THOSE URGES. BECAUSE YOUNG GIRLS ARE RAISED TO BE INSECURE AND HAVING A MATURE MAN TELL THEM THAT THEY’RE DESIRABLE IS A HUGE CONFIDENCE BOOST AND IS MANIPULATION WHETHER THEY KNOW IT OR NOT.

It is an adult’s RESPONSIBILITY to say no. If a minor likes them, or if they happen to develop feelings, even if they shouldn’t. Just don’t act on them. It is very, very easily to not act on feelings. It is your job to not be a creep and take advantage of a naive child.

IT IS NEVER OKAY FOR ANYONE TO DATE/COURT/INTERACT WITH A MINOR IN ANY SEXUAL OR ROMANTIC WAY. EVEN IF THEY HAVE ~NO BAD INTENTIONS.~ IT’S MANIPULATIVE AND A BIG SHIFT OF POWER EVEN IF IT’S ~EVEN~ AND IT’S SO SO SO CREEPY.

PLEASE DON’T PUT THIS OUT THERE FOR YOUNG GIRLS, OR BOYS, OR NON-BINARY KIDS TO SEE.

Because it is. not. okay. Even if it does work out eventually, it shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

After my parents broke up, my dad, 33 yo, went into a relationship with a 18 yo. They’re still together to this day, had two beautiful children, and I’m sure if my half siblings saw this post they would have commented the same as the first commenter. Because they’re the relationship’s children, and because they’re hidden things a lot. Because I eavedrop a lot, I can tell you that this loving, perfect, romantic relationship is fucked up to the core. Because I needed to reach 33 yo myself to be fully aware how fucked up it was.

My dad didn’t want to get into a relationship with an adult, and made an exception for my step mother because she was “so mature”. He wanted a teen. Specifically a teen. He only dated teens. So he could raise them into the wife he wanted. It was totally calculated.

This is why they’re still together this day. She dress like he wants, lost weight like he wanted, She became as racist and conservative as him. She does all the houses chores, sometimes even late at night, while he watches tv, like he wanted, and then tells everyone around him she’s a clean freak and makes fun of her. He forced her to get an abortion, for a child she wanted. She still talks about it. She never forgot, never forgave him. And still, she stayed. Because she has no prior experience, and has no idea how bad their relationship is.

When an adult say that a teen is “mature” enough for a realtionship with him, he means she’s submissive. He means she listens to him and is easily convinced by his opinion. He means she’s calm and easy to deal with. 

When an adult is attracted to a teen, they’re attracted to their own dominant position in the relationship. A teen doesn’t know what they want in life. So they’re no conflict : the adult convince her that she wants what he wants. An adult is not attracted to a teen despite her age. He’s attracted to her because of it. A mature teen is not an adult. It’ something else, and no adult should date them.

Read this until you can say it in your sleep

You can beat the odds and smoke and not die of cancer-related issues. Still doesn’t mean you should do it.

I bet racists gonna hate this  

Superman is technically an undocumented immigrant.

“millenials killing cable”

okay, so here’s the thing. i’ve got a student prime account and netflix. comes to about $15.91 a month. if i added the commercial-free version of hulu, it would come to $27.90 a month.

basic cable before internet is $64.99 a month. which includes commercials. and infomercials. about a quarter of all television is commercials. which is about $16.25 a month to have someone selling shit to you.

explain how it’s my and my generation’s fault that we’re not falling for the same scam our parents are.

Cable killing itself by not adapting to the market.

I will reblog this every time.

Literally this.

Getting dirty, asking questions, being unapologetically enthusiastic about things, going overboard on projects. These are a few of my favorite things.

This is so heartbreaking, but so true. 

Lady Therion’s Masterlist

You can find all my fics on AO3. 

All fics marked with an * have varying degrees of smut. 

I mostly update on weekends, Mondays, or Wednesdays. 

Happy reading! :)

TCP (The Cruel Prince; The Folk of the Air) 

One shots:

ACOTAR (A Court of Thorns and Roses) 

One shots:

Series:

TOG (Throne of Glass)

You wrote a novel about a demon falling in love with a human. Then, you summon a demon in order to get “real” feedback and constructive criticism. To your surprise, the demon laughs at your work.

You told me from the start that you couldn’t love.

But still my heart yearned for some response.

My hand reached out in the dark, hoping to touch you.

But only emptiness was there to meet it.

I danced around the fiery pentagram, chanting in Latin while dripping blood from a small cut on my finger into the center of the drawing made of grave dirt and bone, all the while keeping an eye out on the clock on the mantel.

I only had 15 minutes before my casserole was done.

Finishing the chant with the ease of years of practice, I leaned back to avoid the plume of Hellfire that spewed from the portal that opened up. Changing out of my ceremonial robes, I got back into my comfy pajamas and checked on my casserole while the new arrival was settling in.

She stood about eight feet tall, her head brushing the light fixture on the ceiling in my living room. Her four arms ended in long claws that dripped venom, making me glad that I thought to put a stain resistant rubber mat underneath the summoning circle. Her eyes burned with the flames of Hell, the fire that continuously lived within her, the source of her power. She grinned at me when I walked in with a bowl of my freshly made casserole, showing rows upon rows of pointed teeth.

“Hey Kara, is there any casserole left for me?”

I waved with my spoon before sitting down to dig into my meal.

“Hey Baph, help yourself, it’s in the kitchen. I couldn’t remember whether or not Satan still had you on the meat ban so left side is vegetarian.”

“Nah he forgot all about that six months ago.”

“Probably shouldn’t scare the tourists by pretending to be him next time though.”

Baphotera, the sixth highest lieutenant in Hell, sat down across from me, laughing as she began to eat the casserole as well.

“Yeah, but it was too funny showing up at a Satanist meeting and telling them to “Go out and do good deeds.” She shook her head. “They were so confused!”

“Yeah, and Satan was pissed.”

“Ugh, I had to be a vegetarian for a year, don’t remind me.” She chewed the pasta with obvious relish. “Either way, Kara, I’m sure you didn’t summon me to help you eat your dinner, much as I appreciate the home-cooked meal. What’s going on?”

I stared down at my bowl, a little unsure of how to begin. “So… your brother may be a little pissed at me come tomorrow.”

“Valaac?” She cocked her head to the side, confused. “What did you do to piss him off?”

“Well… remember when we stopped talking last year?” She nodded to my question, obviously still confused. “I was really mad… and kind of drunk… and I maybe just sorta…” I paused and spoke out the rest in a quiet rush. “Wrote a book using him as the main character.”

Baph laughed loudly, one of her hands slapping her knee. “Okay, that sounds pretty funny, but why…”

“I finished it in the same night, and submitted it to my best friend Alice who’s in publishing. She thought it was hilarious that I drunk emailed her a book manuscript, and got the whole dang thing published and only told me today.”

“That’s… weird… but why would…”

“Look at it.” I handed it over to her, shuddering at the picture of a handsome, passionate looking young man with computer drawn devil horns added on that graced the cover. Baph glanced at the picture on the front with a chuckle, and then read the back cover, her green face turning more and more blue and she did.

“This… is a crappy teen romance novel.”

“Yep.”

“You made him into an intense brooding romance lead paired with the most Mary Sue female lead ever.”

My head ducked down. “Yep.”

“You used his real name?!!!”

“Umm… only the first half. They can’t forcibly summon him without the second half.”

“But he’ll still hear it when they try.  There’s going to be so many teenage girls trying to summon him once they read this… it will drive him insane!”

I scraped the bottom of my bowl with my spoon, but it was empty. “I realize that. It was the point of writing it… I think. I was really, REALLY drunk when I wrote this.”

Baph finally broke. She laughed, so hard that she fell out of her chair and rolled around on the floor. I let her go on, having time to do the dishes and put away the leftovers before she finally calmed down.

Keep reading

How to make Dead Chicken With Old Milk. (via jackapollo)

This actually looks good. How do we turn it into actual food.

im going into shock

Hansel and Gretel GPS took me out

This entire video is the embodiment of that “I GUESS” comic.

@urbisie HAHAH

The world’s tiniest dragon must defend his hoard, a single gold coin, from those who would steal it.

Suggestion: The dragon’s definition of “steal” is somewhat loose. It still allows the coin to be used and bartered and change hands–but on one condition: the dragon must be with it at all times.

They become a familiar sight in the marketplace.

“Here’s your change, ma'am. One gold piece.” The merchant holds out a palm, on top of which rests a tiny, brilliantly colored creature clutching a single gold coin.

“That’s a dragon,” you say dumbly. “One piece… and a dragon.”

“Yes.”

You cautiously reach out and attempt to take your change. You tug. It holds. You tug harder. The dragon lets loose a tiny, protective growl.

“Ma'am–no, ma'am, you have to take the dragon, too.”

“Sorry?”

The seller notes your dubious expression. “Not from around here, are ya?” They shrug. “Them’s the rules. Take the coin, take the dragon.”

They wait expectantly. Wondering how the world has so suddenly gone mad, you slowly, slowly hold out your hand.

The dragon perks right up. It scampers from their palm to yours with the coin clamped in its jaws and scales your sleeve with sharp little claws.

“Have a nice day, ma'am,” the merchant says. “Spend him soon, now, you hear? At another booth, if you can. He likes to travel.”

From its perch upon your shoulder, the dragon lets out a happy trill.

Bonus: the coin eventually passes to the rogue in a group of travelling adventurers. The dragon becomes the mascot of the entire group, and they lay out a small pile of coins for him to sleep on every night, clutching his coin like a teddy bear.

This is so pure I am in love

Where is the fanart? I need a fanart.

I am super excited to announce that mighty tiny dragon is getting his own comic! Follow Tiny on Instagram or here on Tumblr @mightytinydragon!

Project Echo: Master Content List

As I simply mass-posted the trilogy here, I highly recommend bookmarking, liking, or reblogging this post for future reference. All chapters have the same tags, and though all are in perfect order if you simply want to scroll down and read that way, this might make it easier to follow the story.

Unlike with my “A Court of Thorns and Roses” series, there are no links to the next chapter within each chapter. This post is all you’ve got in terms of links.

Project Echo, Part 1

Part 1 Summary: A long-buried Hydra disaster, a monster in the shadows, a missing child. Eight months after the events of “The Winter Soldier”, Bucky turns himself in to the Avengers on one condition: They must help him find a girl snatched off the streets by Hydra seven years ago. In their quest, the Avengers accidentally unleash a horrifying creature of darkness and shadow, intent on making their quarry its prey.

Project Echo, Part 2

Part 2 Summary: A new enemy surfaces with a team of the Avengers’ greatest foes, hand-picked for their destruction. Meanwhile, Inessa’s pre-Hydra past begins to surface, casting doubt on where her loyalties truly lie.

Project Echo, Part 3

Part 3 Summary: Seven years after the events of “Part 2”, Avengers Tower explodes, fulfilling Bucky’s vision. All evidence points to Avengers Shadow-Ops leader Inessa Ryker, who is forced to seek out Bucky in hiding. Together they must determine who the traitor is in their ranks and if their friends are still alive- all while trying to survive deadly ambushes orchestrated by Sam Wilson and his hand-picked army.

oh my god

As a person from California, this is 100% accurate

As a person from Michigan, this is 100% accurate

As a person from England I was so confused because I forgot you use the Fahrenheit system 

50 degrees in England 

100 degrees in England

I don’t know why I found the skeletons so funny, it’s almost like they’re dancing really sarcastically?

they’re british skeletons of course they’re dancing sarcastically. 

Deflate when writing prose; inflate when writing essays for school.

Procrastinating on finding ways to add one page to my essay to get the page requirement! Thank you so much.

Thanks man

I’m not in school anymore, but here.

for all you who need another page for an essay

It’s like watching a car repeatedly drive straight into a wall. It’s unexplainable, it looks like it hurts a lot, but ultimately it ends up being darkly, ironically funny.

From my personal experience being an American on tumblr is like being the person in the BACK of the car praying that the person driving will STOP ramming into the wall. A lot of us know this shit is stupid and we’re looking out the window like “LOOK THOSE OTHER CARS ARE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD LETS BE LIKE THEM” But the driver is like “FUCK YOU! BUILT FORD TOUGH! USA USA USA DONT LIKE IT, GET OUT!” but the doors are locked and the car is now smoking and threatening to catch fire.

Reblogging for the followup comment! ‘cos that’s exactly what it’s like.

who the fuck is in the driver’s seat

This is the most accurate post in this website primarily because of @jackthevulture’s comment

Chris Evans, the #1 fan of Chris Hemsworth & Thor