Do you like reading pornography? Do you like super weird pornography set in Los Angeles? That you can read completely for free? If so, you should read my new short stories up at Anarchic Candy (the website where I publish all my romance fiction free of charge, instead of selling it, and myself, through an industry I despise). There's one about a mermaid and a failed screenwriter doing porn, there's one about a boy with a very strange garden in a canyon, there's one about a TV writer and a group of entities up on an old historic building in Downtown Los Angeles. There will be more, when I write them. They'll probably be even weirder. Some of them are true. They're all interconnected, too. You'll see what I mean.

Also there's COMEBACK, my novel that several super legit literary agents wanted to publish! It's about a has-been, rumoured-to-be-drug-addicted former teen superstar and her make up artist going on tour together. It's not pornography (though there is sex in it), but it is fun! And sad. And gay. And an indictment of the modern age. But in an entertaining way!

Download them all, for free, from Anarchic Candy.

How is the end of your year?

"There's a kind of eel that no one knows where their spawning grounds are. It is a big scientific mystery and they've never been able to figure it out."

"Nothing. They are still there, to this very day." - Maybell Marten, October 19th, 2023

I am offering some very beautiful and useful divination decks for barter on Instagram, if anyone is looking for that sort of thing but doesn’t like to buy new items.

some (non-Mabel-related) news

I went to a bookstore.

You need to find a way to get your dog seen. As far as I can see he will be all right, but please don't put all your faith in divination when it comes to serious health concerns. There is always a way, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you.

There is no secret for breaking out of a pattern of fear and anxiety. The results come from doing. You just have to make the choice to push yourself, wade through the discomfort, do it again, do it again and again, and keep doing it, until that becomes the new pattern. It's unpleasant. It's relatively thankless. But it has to be done.

I believe, truly, that there is no pattern of behaviour or synaptic channel that we are incapable of changing. We are boundlessly adaptable, no matter the age, no matter the situation; it just requires more work and determination and stubbornness than most people are willing to expend. Everyone in the world contains within them the possibility for change. It's just that most people won't do it. But you can. You are absolutely, entirely capable.

Growth sometimes feels poisonous, corrosive. If it's this hard, if it feels this bad, we tell ourselves, can it actually be good for us? Answer: yes. It can. It is. Work with it. Don't give up.

Sending my best wishes to the madra. I hope you're able to get him seen quickly, and that he's feeling better soon.

I am very sorry to hear that you've had a rough go. Artistic work can take a dishearteningly long time to produce any kind of notable results. Trust me, I know.

Is the second half of the year going to get better? Genuinely, that is up to you. Is there a particular goal you want to achieve with your art by a specific point in time? If so, why? Can you view this as a year of growth rather than aiming for a specific kind of achievement? Learning what you can about the systems we have in place to sell and promote art, and most importantly, honing and perfecting your craft (I say perfecting, but all artists know their work will never be perfect. It's an endless journey. That's part of the terrible charm). This is not going to be the year you achieve perfect public success. It's not. But success is measured in many different ways. If what you're doing now is making you more unhappy than fulfilled, consider different routes. You don't have to take them now. You don't have to take them, ever. But you are in control of where and how you allocate your energy. If the grind isn't doing it for you, give yourself space to reimagine.

You may not be in control of when and where you're forced to interact with your abuser. But you can give them as little as they deserve. Grey rocking will deny them negative attention and reserve your energy for yourself. Give yourself support and care. This reading is clear: this level of interaction with them won't be permanent.

Something clear throughout the cards I've pulled is the need for balance. Balance between creativity and self-promotion. Balance between work and rest. Balance between ambition and patience. Balance between seeking and letting be. Try and strike a path through the middle of these extremes. No magical thing is going to happen to make the rest of your year perfect, but you can do these smaller things to make your own life easier.

Hello, Aster! First of all, thank you so very much for the tip. I hugely appreciate it, and it is more helpful than you know.

As for your reading.

I'm so sorry it's been a rough few months. This is the truth: those who deserve your love don't disappear without warning and without explanation. Before you can work past this, you need to acknowledge the unfair fact that this person may not be worthy of the breadth and depth of your feelings for them. Sometimes there is a tendency to double down in moments like these - I love them deeply, therefore they must have been worthy, therefore there's something wrong with me, I am somehow at fault here, and if I just...understand better, give them more time, give them my patience, perform correctly, say the right things, do the right things, then they will reappear in my life and confirm their worth.

Another truth: feelings can be wrong sometimes. I'd go so far as to venture that feelings are regularly wrong. There is enormous freedom in understanding that emotions are not infallible, that they can absolutely be given attention and weight and never repressed or pushed aside, but they don't have to be our single guiding light. Sometimes we feel personally victimised when what we're really experiencing is the impersonal injustice of the world; sometimes we can be convinced in our hearts that our friends are angry with us when really they're just tired or busy; sometimes the people we love aren't worthy of the purity of that love. There isn't necessarily a deeper meaning to it. You love because you have a vast capacity for love. You heal when that love is abused or misplaced.

And you navigate this the way you navigate any trauma: by giving yourself time, by being honest with yourself, by turning your attention and your focus elsewhere, and by allowing yourself to grow through this. Sometimes people are fickle or thoughtless. Sometimes they make promises they can't keep. Sometimes we misinterpret their intentions, or the sincerity of their intentions. All of this may be painful, but I promise it is not an injury you can't recover from.

This feeling won't last. Some further advice? Try to distract yourself. Give yourself an outlet for your emotions, and then choose to move your focus elsewhere. Try not to dwell. I know it's not easy, but it will get easier. Everything always does. You're worth much more than this.