Jack: I was taught to think before I act
Jack: So if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured I thought about it, and I’m confident in my decision
Gavin, frustrated: What's the word for when your hands are bisexual?
Jeremy: w-
Michael: Ambidextrous
Gavin: I love you.
Fake AH Crew
[Getting pulled over]
Police: Papers?
Jeremy: Scissors.
Jeremy: *Drives off*
Ray: Hey Michael, I dare you to marry me.
Michael: I'm not going to fall for that, idiot!
Ray: Alright, then I win.
Michael: What? Hell no! I'm gonna marry the fuck out of you. I'm looking for a church right now. You think you can just win like that? God no!
Ray, looking into the camera: >:]
Gavin: Why do guys call each other "pretty boy" as an insult? That's the most flattering thing anyone could say to me?
Gavin: Call me pretty boy
Gavin: Tell me I'm the prettiest boy you've ever seen
Alfredo, reading a recipe: Beat three eggs?
Matt: It means like in hand-to-hand combat
Alfredo: Ohhh
Trevor: Both of you get out of this kitchen
Michael: You guys don’t know about my knife stick. It’s a knife taped to a stick and it’s the ultimate weapon
Jeremy: Spear
Michael: BLOCKED
Buying Groceries:
Michael: I can’t find the cheese Gav wants, so if you see it, scream
Jeremy, upon finding said cheese: *Just points at it and screams at the top of his lungs*
Michael, screaming even louder: NOT LIKE THAT
Jeremy: Self care is breaking into NASA and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Gavin:
Gavin: May I suggest a soothing bath instead?
Michael: ...how long are you going to be mad at me?
Gavin, arms crossed and teary eyed, pouting: 10 minutes
Jack: Promise me you won’t start any fights this time
Michael: Fine
Jack: Thank you
Michael, under his breath: I will finish them though
Jeremy, very tired: Whoa, that’s a fat fucking cat
Ray: Jeremy, that’s a raccoon
Jeremy: I’m taking it home
Geoff: Just take your things and go!
Michael: Fine!
Michael: *picks up Ray and leaves*
Jeremy: Night sluts
Lindsay: They’re called vampires
Gavin: Moon whores
Michael: Those are called werewolves
The Lads Running Errands
Jeremy, leading Michael and Gavin to Walmart: Okay, mission number 2, finding where the popcorn is
Gavin: Wait, what was mission number one?
Micheal: Fucking getting here, Gavin
Jeremy: RYAN DOESN’T KNOW WHAT YEET MEANS
Ray: He doesn’t WHAT
Jack [to Rooster Teeth]: In Achievement Hunter, we advocate love and tolerance
[5 minutes later, in Achievement Hunter]
Gavin: [Sets down his cup]
Jack: Use a FUCKING COASTER-