Another dream comic. Had a dream where I was tied to a chair in a dark room and some hooded figures killed me after I begged for my life—but then I got caught in a time loop and so I kept trying to figure out what I could say to get them to not shoot me but they killed me no matter what I said. Started just shouting random stuff eventually.
one time a guy i know whose girlfriend was heavily pregnant didn’t tweet anything for a whole day so i texted him ‘congrats on your baby’ and made him think i had some kind of baby precognition
like six months after that just after halloween i asked to see his son dressed as a ‘fat baby pumpkin’ and he was like ‘who told you’ and i said ‘no one. it’s halloween. you have a fat baby. he’s going to be a pumpkin’
bbc sherlock wants what i have
my cat is incredibly sweet and wants nothing more than to be within a 5 ft radius of a person at all times, gently chilling in your orbit. he is also VERY, VERY DUMB
it’s a slow morning so husband and I are reading, not making much noise. meanwhile, Barold goes downstairs to use his box and when he comes out, he starts yowling like his lil heart done broke. husband goes to to the top of the stairs all worried like, “Barold, what’s wrong?”
kitty zips back up the stairs and just oozes onto husband’s feet, purring high-powered lawnmower style. the realization hit us both at the same time…
this. boy. this itty bitty kitty boy.
he couldn’t see or hear us for ten continuous seconds, forgot. we. were. home. and immediately burst into tears !!!!
and I just wanted to update you that moments ago, this big orange infant found himself on the wrong side of a baby gate, could not hork his lorge butt over it, and so just started WAILING until everyone in the house came to rescue him. Me, my partner, the dog, our other cat… everyone came to be like, “Barold, what’s wrong?”
after this harrowing ordeal, he is now in my lap
Why am I not surprised that he’s ginger?
Precious baby!
the sandwich price to minimum wage ratio is getting so fucked up
the city where we live doesn't allow public barbecues so my brother fucking welded a grill to a handcart and now hosts "chill and grill sessions" where he sends all his friends his live location so they can hunt him down on their bikes with sausages in their backpacks while he carts it around evading the police like some sort of barbecue vigilante, grilling on the run. i have never been prouder of him
Me meeting a genie: Okay, so my first wish is for 1000 dollars a day, deposited to my bank account without any way of tracing it to anything illegal. I want this money to come from the ten richest people in America (100 dollars each), withdrawn under the guise of nebulous, random purchases and surcharges. It would probably be best to split the money into a myriad of smaller fees, though, to reduce the likelihood of anyone noticing. Got all that?
Genie: um
Me, continuing on without a care: For my SECOND wish, I want you to give me the ability to learn any given phoneme, so that I can learn to pronounce new languages perfectly. If you're willing, it'd be nice if it were a little easier to memorize new languages too, but if that's not cool, I'm perfectly fine doing all the legwork myself I mostly just want to be capable of pronouncing things correctly.
Genie, now staring at me like I'm insane: ......okaaayyy?....
Me: For my third wish. I want to always have great ideas for gifts for people. Every birthday, every holiday, I want to be able to come up with something they'd really like, with enough time to actually get it for them.
Genie, just staring at me
Me: I can provide you with a written document if that would help.
people like op are the ones that get memorialized in folk tales for outwitting the devil
why do people love rubbing buzz cuts so much
learning so much
me teaching my pet vampire how to adapt to human society
suprised that no one has mentioned that the person on the left is our very own @paper-mario-wiki
give her the credit she’s hilarious
oh ya thats me. early last year!
worth noting, i'm this now (🏳️⚧️):
how?? just how?
happy Mother’s Day to these two queens
whenever i take off my pants and i unbuckle my belt i feel like a corporate ceo about to get his dick sucked
“Why should rich people pay more” because fuck ‘em
“So you are okay for paying more when you have money” I am not excluded from ‘fuck ‘em’ when relevant
“I am not excluded from ‘fuck ‘‘em’ when relevant” is surprisingly powerful as both a statement and philosophy
wait, isnt NSFW the letters on the compass
So close.
north south FUCK west
*inhales*
*gently sets phone on counter*
*walks away*
comes back with a sledgehammer*
*breaks phone*
I, on the other hand, immediately hit the reblog button.
i don't smoke for the obvious reasons of not wanting to develop an addiction to nicotine but god do i so often feel the emotion 'i need a cigarette'.
Teeth are bullshit. What do you mean you’re decaying. Get a fucking grip. You’re a bone now act like it. You don’t see my finger bones decaying from jerking it too much now do you
First you procrastinate on the task because it is not a big enough deal to get done urgently. Then you procrastinate on the task because it has become such a big deal that doing it is overwhelming. You would think that this implies a middle point where it is just big enough of a deal to get done easily, however the inherent perversity of the universe's causal geometry prevents this
