@the-delusion-of-a-dreamer / the-delusion-of-a-dreamer.tumblr.com
it is so weird to be back on this account. its almost like looking at a time capsule. I was 13 when i started this account. I am 21 years old now, and have gone through so much since leaving. Felt like i needed to reconnect with that excitable teen i was. no idea if anyone is still around, but if you are, hi! hope some of ya remember me lol
you are special. you are valuable. you are an asset to the rpc. you are loved. you are important. you matter. don't forget that.
well catch me crying. thank you anon. its been difficult returning cause I feel a lot like I did when I first began. basically an outsider. these were some words I really needed. thank you.
oof sorry I went mia for a bit again. im not leaving again I've just been dealing with a LOT of technical difficulties. currently my laptop keyboard is being incredibly stubborn its difficult to type even this much on it at the moment.ย
anyways ill try to get to drafts and stuff as soon as possible!
oof sorry for being mia for a bit there my health kinda went up in flames for a bit there
โThe galaxy doesnโt just need the Jedi, Satine.โ He looks at her, and there is something unfamiliar in his eyes. Pain, anger, sadness. Things he never allows himself to openly express. โIโve lost enough to this pointless war, donโt you think?โ
He gets up, still looking at her. โAnd I can find a life helping the galaxy in a different way. Weโre supposed to be protectors for the innocents and keepers of the peaceโฆ yet we seem to be doing neither.โ His frustration seeps into his words, and itโs honestly the first time heโs ever openly complained about the Council and the Order.
โThe Council doesnโt seem to care about peace. And the Chancellor isnโt someone I trust either.โ He turns to look out at the senate tower, glaring at it. โIโm sick of being a puppet for their political gain.โ
She tries to ignore how his tone of voice makes her feel, tries to ignore how the words he says hurts, because she knows how it hurts him.ย โWe have both lost much to this war Obi-Wan.โ She means it to come out angrier than it does, but instead she just sounds.... tired. And she is, she is so tired.
โJust yesterday I thought Iโd lost you.โ Given, it had not been to the war, it had been to a bounty hunter, but it was a side effect of this damned war.
โTalking like that is dangerous and you know it.โ Satine says levelly, though she canโt disagree with him.ย โStop this nonsense.โ Because the last thing she needs is to lose him again so quickly. And force, she is too tired for this conversation. Sheโs just found out heโs alive, and now heโs talking about leaving.
ย ย ย ย ย โ โฆ โ he finds himself at a loss. he knows the pain of losing friends โ even in his short time in the rebellion, he has lost more than enough people to whom he had unwittingly given a piece of his heart. once itโs lost, it feels like itโs gone forever โ but it seems to break his heart, hearing her story. her affections, and his as well, seem to have run deeper than he could have conceived of. and to lose someone when you feel that way โฆ
ย ย ย ย ย โ iโm sorry. โ the words come forth almost without his consent, for he finds himself almost heartbroken to hear the story. itโs incredibly sad, of course โ almost like a story of star crossed lowers. โ it sounds like he was really important to you. โ
ย ย ย ย ย โ it is alright โ she tells him, even if it is not. even though some part of her will always hurt, some part of her will always wish he were beside her again, but she also knows dwelling on her loss will do no good. and she does not want to tell him any of this, does not want to bring him down. he seems to be such a sweet soul, not unlike what she remembers of padme who had seen her through some of her darker moments.
ย ย ย ย ย โ he was. is. โ she clears her throat as the memories threaten to overwhelm her.ย โ he was and will always be one of the most important people in my life, but that chapter is gone now. no matter how i might wish to return to it. at least we had good years, years of being friends. though i wish we had not squandered so much of it.โ
The mid-spring sunlight shines along the small meadow theyโre camping by for the next couple of days. With Qui-Gon heading to see where he can rummage up some supplies, Obi-Wan decided to get some training in. Although, as he warms up, he senses her, and he knows what sheโs come for. โCome to watch and learn, Duchess?โ
@thesarcasmofasoldier
She had come to watch yes, but certainly not to learn. She had years of training under her belt and she knew from experience how off his form really was.ย โNo,โ she begins, taking a bite from of her fruit.ย โthereโs not much to learn. Your stance is too far apart, much farther and you will be doing the splits. You legs need to be far apart, but not that far. If you break a hip who will be around to protect me?โ
also ima try and work on drafts now but iโm not sure how far iโm going to get. Iโm really sick right now and my brain is basically 90% fog lol
ย ย ย ย ย ย OBITINEย EDITSย 1/??
ย ย ย ย โben,โย satineย isย restingย herย headย onย hisย shoulder,ย andย fromย hisย peripheralย vision,ย allย heย canย seeย isย goldenย hairย cascadingย inย softย ringlets.ย sheย hadย beenย silentย forย theย mostย partย ofย theย standardย hour,ย almostย contemplativeย andย nowย heย knowsย why.ย ย โiโmย goingย toย callย youย ben.โย obi-wanย bitesย backย theย startledย noise,ย turningย toย faceย herย fullyย whenย heย feelsย herย shiftย away.ย ย โwhatย for?ย iย alreadyย haveย aย name,ย satine.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โweย allย needย somethingย thatย belongsย toย usย alone,โย sheย tellsย him,ย allย sunshineย andย glimmeringย eyesย andย thisย isย theย momentย obi-wanย realisesย thatย evenย summerย stormsย canย beย deadly.ย heย isย tryingย soย hardย toย beย aย goodย jediย andย makeย hisย masterย proud,ย andย yetย sheย unravelsย allย thatย withย aย tiltย ofย herย head,ย withย theย smallestย ofย smiles.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย butย thenย again,ย aย smallย voiceย atย theย backย ofย hisย mindย whispers,ย whatย harmย canย aย nameย do?
He flushes at her compliment, looking away from her for a moment. โNoโฆ not really. I mean, if you count music classesโฆโ he shrugs it off; itโs not a huge deal to him.
โThanks, by the wayโฆ you donโt have to say those kinds of things.โ Especially when you donโt think those things. โButโฆ I need focus on science. Dad wants me to be a scientist.โ
Satine frowns at his words.ย โBut what about what you want? I mean, science is interesting and all, but what is the point if its only what your dad wants?โ Satine pauses and flushes as she realizes what she has said.
โIโm sorry, that wasnโt my place to say. My friend Padme is always telling me I need to be less nosy and more tactful. If you want to do science, you should.โย
He doesnโt look at her, not even when she talks about reopening the wound that was their feelings. He shakes his head at her words, closing his eyes before pinching the bridge of his nose.
โAnd why not?โ He asks, finally looking up at her again. โSatine, all my life, Iโve followed everything the Jedi wanted me to doโฆ every rule.โ He turns to watch out the window. โI want to break free.โ
Her annoyance only grew as he refused to look at her. She canโt help but feel as though he is trivializing the entire issue, and thus also her feelings. It feels like a metaphor for everything. She sits in front of him in pain, and he never sees. He chooses not to see.
โBecause, like me this is the only life either of us have ever known. Because the Jedi still need you, because Anakin needs you.โ Because I still need you.ย โForce knows the council will tear him to pieces without you there to advocate for him. Not to mention we are in the middle of a war! The galaxy needs every Jedi it can get!โ She tells him, her voice growing louder with each word.
He isnโt surprised that she approaches him, but her comment through him off guard. He isnโt sure why having her know about his band is a bit unnerving, but he turns to her, raising an eyebrow at her.
โSoโฆ uhโฆ what did you think?โ He asks, biting his lip nervously. โI meanโฆ did you hear anything?โ
Satine suddenly grows nervous as she seems to finally realize just how awkward it is of her to be so blunt. But well, wording things with tact was never really her strong suit.
โYou have a lovely voice.โ She tells him honestly.ย โYou really are quite good. I wish youโd told me about it so I could have heard you sooner. Did you take vocal lessons?โ
He shakes his head. โI wasnโt going to.โ He comments, looking at her. โI didnโt mean anything by it. It was just a comment.โ He states. He knows that they had chosen duty over each other, but it didnโt mean that the feelings werenโt there.
โIโฆ I donโt think itโs a good ideaโฆ but Iโve been thinking about it for a while.โ He says, sighing, as he moves to rest against the wall by the window. Heโs not sure how to say it, or if he should. But he knows that keeping a secret from her will only end badly.
โSatine, Iโฆโ He looks down at his hands, not wanting to see her reaction. โIโve been thinking about leaving the Jedi Order.โ
Satine sighs, sitting down, still trying to keep her distance.ย โI know, I know.โ But doesnโt that just make it worse? She doesnโt need this wound constantly reopened, and maybe she ought to tell him that, because she is so force-damned tired of hurting.ย โBut itโs a wound Iโd rather let be, rather than open once again.โ
She freezes at his words.ย โYou cannot be serious. Of course itโs a bad idea, we are in the middle of a war!โ A war she had no desire to fight, but that did not change her duties. Nor his.
She has a suspicion as to where this is coming from, and she is not having it. Why else would he bring up his feelings and leaving the order at the same time? Sheโs not certain, but even so- โNo, absolutely not.โ Is all she can seem to manage to say.
โThings just seem to get more complicated donโt they? It seems like this war will never end.โ She sighed but gave a small smile. โIโm glad youโre home too.โ
โAt least it keeps us on our toes.โ Satine smiles tiredly.ย โAll wars end eventually, its simply a matter of which side wins, and who gets out alive.โ Perhaps a dreary thought, but Satine isnโt great at tact. Satineโs smile grows at her daughters words.ย โHow long do you have until your next mission?โ
He had felt betrayed and like he couldnโt be trusted. The various members of the Council not telling him things was one thing, almost expected that he wouldnโt know ever secret, but being lied to by his old Master was another thing entirely.
โI feel dreadful.โ Anakin told her. She was the only one he had really spoken since he had woken up this morning. He was clouded by dark emotions, which as he was waiting for a lecture from Master Yoda, a path to the dark side. But he couldnโt help that he had felt hurt.
He crossed his arms. He needed this time to let his feelings take their course. He had learned that long ago after his mother had died. For now, Padme had taken Ahsoka under her wing for the day to help his padawan improve a lightsaber technique.
โI could have helped him! Iโฆโ He paused for a moment and let out a breath. โI attacked him because of who I thought he was. I was too angry but I had sensed something in him. I sensed something familiar about him, which makes me wonder if we do have a connection in the Force.โ A connection which was only natural for Masters and their padawans did often develop connections to each other in the Force.
Anakin straightened up. โIt doesnโt matter. But I for one will never do such a think to Ahsoka!โ
She places a hand on his arm in an attempt to comfort. She knows he feels hurt and betrayed, because she feels it too. They did not tell one another everything, but she had come to believe that if he went through something as drastic as this he would tell those closest to him. He hadnโt.
And she thinks she might be able to forgive him a little easier, if she hadnโt seen the fallout. Because he did not tell anyone, not even Anakin, who was like a brother to him as Obi-Wan himself claimed, and it destroyed them. They had all grieved in their owns ways, had all attended his funeral, and it was all a lie.ย
Obi-Wan has hurt her before with thoughtless actions, but this was on a level unlike any other, and this time it wasnโt just her that got hurt. Ultimately, thatโs what made it the most difficult to forgive.
โI know. Any of us could have helped him.โ She doesnโt voice her disgruntlement with the council, she knows Anakin already has enough issues with them, she does not need to stoke the fire. She also does not voice her anger with Obi-Wan, though she is certain anyone around her could feel it. She thinks back to the expression on Anakinโs face as he told her the news, she thinks about her own reaction.ย โI- I would never have expected such thoughtlessness from him.โ
โI do not believe any of us would have.โ She closes her eyes and takes a breath to steady herself.ย โI know none of us would have. But Obi-Wan does not always think about how his actions may affect those around him.โ He doesnโt think about how much he can hurt.
โI knowโฆโ his response is quiet, contemplative. Heโs thinking, but heโs not sure if he should say just what is on his mind. Theyโre in the midst of war, and he needs to regain trust quickly. He doesnโt flinch at the touch, but it does surprise him.
โIโฆ I have to think. Iโฆ Iโm debating something thatโฆ well, itโll be a huge decision.โ He tells her. He sighs quietly, meeting her eyes. โIโm sorry for doing this to you. You know how much you mean to me, Satine.โ
She watches him as though she can see the metaphorical gears in his mind turn. After a moment, she seems to finally realize her hand is still on his face and she pulls it away quickly.
โTell me.โ She says softly.ย โI believe we have already established I would prefer you to tell me things, even if they are difficult.โ At the mention of how he feels for her, she canโt help the flinch at his words. She takes a step back, then another, needing to put space between them.ย โPlease, donโt.โ They made their choices, and she does not have it in her to revisit them, especially after all of this.ย โI know youโre sorry, but just. Donโt.โ
thesarcasmofasoldier
He doesnโt fight her, nor does he want to. This isnโt about them, itโs about her, and Anakin, and Ahsoka. Itโs about his family.
โSatine, I wasnโt going to let anyone else risk their life for thisโฆ I didnโt want anyone else getting hurtโฆ but I didnโt think of the consequences of the action.โ He says honestly. His expression and his aura somehow remain the same when she speaks of Anakinโs behaviour, however.
โI know. Heโs killed before because someone important to him died. He told me once.โ He says, moving away from her and closer to the window. โHoweverโฆ I didnโt think about how this would effect everything.โ
He moves to sit across from her, looking at her. For the first time from his padawan years, his hair is short and his beard is only starting to grow in. โIโm sorry. Iโฆ I didnโt mean to hurt any of youโฆ I didnโt want to hurt myโฆโ he sighs quietly, knowing what he should say, and what he wants to say. And for once, he abandons his following of the โno attachmentsโ part of the Code. The Code could go kriff itself right now, for all he cares. โI didnโt want to hurt my family.โ
A part of her wants to let go of her anger and tell him itโs alright. She wants to say she forgives him, it would be the Jedi way. But she just canโt. Not yet. The wound is still too fresh. She knows she will forgive him in time, she always does, but right now she just hurts.
โBut you should have. I know Qui used to tell you to live in the moment, but sometimes you do have to think ahead.โ And despite herself, a small bit of her humour comes out. She pauses for a moment as she thinks about what he has told her about Anakin.ย โI worry for him. Trust means everything to him, and this has broken it.โ She spoke frankly, trying not to revert to her usual mode of comforting him, and worrying about herself second.
She reaches out to stroke his face, so close to how he looked when they were Padawans, but they were so different from those days. Choosing duty over each other. In moments like these, she wonders if it was the right choice. She doesnโt know the answer. โI know you didnโt mean to, but you did. And itโs.โ She pauses as the emotion threatens to overwhelm her.ย โAnd itโs going to take time to repair what you have broken, and even so, it may never be the same.โย
She knows she will forgive him in time, but will Anakin? Ahsoka? And even if they do, she knows Anakin will not be the same after this. Sheโs not sure if she will be either.
