So…
Im damn near entirely burned out on hetalia. The community causes me a lot of stress and anxiety, but leaving it would mean starting all over from scratch at 0 with a different blog, which idk if i could do that. I also do this for free, and use my own free time in order to do it. Its a lot of work, and i dont feel appreciated doing it for one, and I dont feel as if it…BENEFITS me. I dont GET coffees or commissions. I dont get many compliments. I dont…have fun hardly any more drawing. Plus, ive never been the best at drawing people. I have little faith in my abilities to get better at it, and i never learned anatomy except for what ive picked up from shitty How 2 Draw Animu books as a middle schooler. I want to get better, but i lack the desire for something that stresses me out. And im really sorry if my art reflects that. I never draw side angles for a reason. And I feel constantly like my art is in that weird point of “This is adequate and they can make certain things really well, so ill just hop along for the ride.”
My story in this is…not the best. And relatively pointless. The whole story regarding the curse is probably only about the 4th most like, interesting thing about it. Its not too interesting and its probably been done to hell. Plus I worry a lot. I worry that people will begin to use it as a way to brush off how mean and awful Beel is. How cold, cruel and heartless she can be. Im afraid that it will be used in an apologist way, or a way to excuse how truely vile she is. Yes, what happened to her is tragic, but she literally did all this to herself and allowed this to happen, not to mention she CHOSE her own behavior.
I dont want Beel to be another Snape, another Kylo, another Villain excused of their actions because they Hurt on the inside. I want her to be hated, but loved because shes so awful and horrible. And it worries me because ive given her 0 positive attributes other than Pretty and Smart.
Ill be back one day, I guess. Im worried my depression is getting my feelings all fucked. I want to love this blog again and want to have fun drawing again. I want to like my own creations again. And this sadly applies to Olivia as well.