Hi! I loved your post about catharsis, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to post a bit more about being more of a masochist than Crusoe is. a sadist. There’s so much written a about sadistic D-types holding back because their s-types don’t have the appetite or tolerance for pain that they have desire or ability to inflict it, but not much is written about the reverse, which is true in my dynamic as an s-type. You wrote about it so eloquently.

What a great ask – albeit somewhat difficult to answer, which won’t stop me from rambling.

I’m going to put this out there:  me being a masochist has little to do with Crusoe being a sadist (or not) in our dynamic. The power exchange between us is about our relationship and has little to do with whatever happens between us physically.  Does the physical feed the mental for us?  Yes. That said our particular flavor of power exchange far more about our connection.  (Gah! I’m struggling to express that me getting beaten is not what our dynamic is about.)

Before I get pilloried, let me state emphatically that I write from my personal perspective and do not claim to speak for anyone else.  My definitions and our dynamic are strictly what works for me and Crusoe.  

I am a submissive, and a masochist, these are things that I don’t choose to be, these are things that I am. Crusoe is not a sadist in the sense that he takes no pleasure from hurting me.  He is my Dominant and the leader in our dynamic.  There is no “rule” that a Dominant must be a sadist any more than there is a “rule” that a submissive must endure whatever a Dominant chooses to dish out.  Are there sadistic elements to Crusoe’s leadership?  You betcha.  He is incredibly creative, he knows what I need, but he recognizes that my level of physical tolerance is beyond what he is confident or comfortable giving.  For the sake of this question, I am going to write about impact only.  Why? Because I fucking love impact.

Crusoe has mad flogging skills, he’s fantastic at it and I love to be flogged.  That’s the problem – I love to be flogged.  Crusoe will wear himself out before I get tired of being beaten. Flogging (in particular) is impact that we both really enjoy, for him, there is a sexual component, for me there is almost a comfort component.  When the masochist in me needs to get fed, comfort doesn’t get the job done.  Crusoe will flog me to get me all hot and bothered, there will be dirty, raunchy, filthy sex after a flogging, but my mind won’t feel cleansed.  Sated? Yes.  Like a dirty whore?  Oh hell yeah – and loving it.  As amazing as it is, that isn’t what I need.  

When I am latched up to the chain, or the cross, or tethered to the spreader bar, I need to suffer.  I need to endure.  It is a battle between my body and my brain to find peace. There are times when that peace only comes with pain.  As antithetical as is might sound, being beaten somehow both feeds my OCD and renders it powerless.  It is liberating, freeing.  (No – being beaten is not a substitute for actual treatment of my lifelong battle with OCD.  Yes – OCD is a real thing and not what you see in the movies and also Yes – I receive treatment from a medical doctor for both OCD and PTSD.)  (why do I feel the need to qualify everything?  This is my fucking blog)

Does that mean that Crusoe and I don’t do impact?  Oh Hell no! Crusoe is ready, willing, able, and adept at impact.  Crusoe loves to get me all tingly, to make me hurt and wiggle, but he won’t BEAT me. He takes no pleasure in the sustained physical impact it takes (at times) to get me to release my mind. Crusoe won’t beat me because he can’t stand to see me hurt, to see me in pain.  Crusoe is genuinely uncomfortable with my level of play.  He is nonplussed by the frightening bruising that I love, he doesn’t understand it, doesn’t like to look at it.  Crusoe (and I) love thumbprints on my collarbones, or welts from his belt, but he has no stomach for the physical destruction of his cherished property. And masochist or not, I don’t want him (or anyone) to participate in anything where they aren’t fully invested. Sadist, masochist…. I don’t care what name a person calls themselves…. Asking someone to play beyond where they feel safe is not only a consent violation (or worse), but dangerous, regardless of which side of the slash they are on.  It would be irresponsible for me to expect, or even ask, anyone to do anything they were uncomfortable with just because I want (need) it.  That just isn’t how it works.  

That said, in our dynamic, Crusoe sees my need as his responsibility.  He is willing to give me that gift by negotiating with others for what will recalibrate my mind and body.  We are fortunate to know and trust sadists that will give their time, skill, and love (yes, love) to give me this gift.  Meanwhile, Crusoe continues to learn and grow his skills, but his heart isn’t in impact.  My Sir is not a sadist – at least not a physical one, and you know what?  As a masochist, I don’t want ANYONE participating outside their comfort zone, especially the man who holds every other part of my life in his hands.

Is there a perception that D-types have to rein themselves in because their s-types don’t have the same appetite for pain?  Absolutely. As a community, we are bombarded with images, video, and writing of the sadist and the whimpering bottom pleading for quarter, but that isn’t necessarily the real world.

The bottom line for any of us is communication – real life, honest, soul-searching communication. Dominants should feel no more compelled to be sadists than submissives should feel compelled to endure pain.  The Dominant that leads you might not be the sadist that beats you, and that’s okay.  The submissive that loves you and serves you, might need something that you can’t give.  And that’s okay.  In the immortal words of @instructor144 , “it ain’t all blowjobs and spankings.” We all learn and negotiate what works for us and our individual dynamic.  

Go in peace my anon friend. I hope you find what works for you.

Hi! I loved your post about catharsis, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to post a bit more about being more of a masochist than Crusoe is. a sadist. There’s so much written a about sadistic D-types holding back because their s-types don’t have the appetite or tolerance for pain that they have desire or ability to inflict it, but not much is written about the reverse, which is true in my dynamic as an s-type. You wrote about it so eloquently.

What a great ask – albeit somewhat difficult to answer, which won’t stop me from rambling.

I’m going to put this out there:  me being a masochist has little to do with Crusoe being a sadist (or not) in our dynamic. The power exchange between us is about our relationship and has little to do with whatever happens between us physically.  Does the physical feed the mental for us?  Yes. That said our particular flavor of power exchange far more about our connection.  (Gah! I’m struggling to express that me getting beaten is not what our dynamic is about.)

Before I get pilloried, let me state emphatically that I write from my personal perspective and do not claim to speak for anyone else.  My definitions and our dynamic are strictly what works for me and Crusoe.  

I am a submissive, and a masochist, these are things that I don’t choose to be, these are things that I am. Crusoe is not a sadist in the sense that he takes no pleasure from hurting me.  He is my Dominant and the leader in our dynamic.  There is no “rule” that a Dominant must be a sadist any more than there is a “rule” that a submissive must endure whatever a Dominant chooses to dish out.  Are there sadistic elements to Crusoe’s leadership?  You betcha.  He is incredibly creative, he knows what I need, but he recognizes that my level of physical tolerance is beyond what he is confident or comfortable giving.  For the sake of this question, I am going to write about impact only.  Why? Because I fucking love impact.

Crusoe has mad flogging skills, he’s fantastic at it and I love to be flogged.  That’s the problem – I love to be flogged.  Crusoe will wear himself out before I get tired of being beaten. Flogging (in particular) is impact that we both really enjoy, for him, there is a sexual component, for me there is almost a comfort component.  When the masochist in me needs to get fed, comfort doesn’t get the job done.  Crusoe will flog me to get me all hot and bothered, there will be dirty, raunchy, filthy sex after a flogging, but my mind won’t feel cleansed.  Sated? Yes.  Like a dirty whore?  Oh hell yeah – and loving it.  As amazing as it is, that isn’t what I need.  

When I am latched up to the chain, or the cross, or tethered to the spreader bar, I need to suffer.  I need to endure.  It is a battle between my body and my brain to find peace. There are times when that peace only comes with pain.  As antithetical as is might sound, being beaten somehow both feeds my OCD and renders it powerless.  It is liberating, freeing.  (No – being beaten is not a substitute for actual treatment of my lifelong battle with OCD.  Yes – OCD is a real thing and not what you see in the movies and also Yes – I receive treatment from a medical doctor for both OCD and PTSD.)  (why do I feel the need to qualify everything?  This is my fucking blog)

Does that mean that Crusoe and I don’t do impact?  Oh Hell no! Crusoe is ready, willing, able, and adept at impact.  Crusoe loves to get me all tingly, to make me hurt and wiggle, but he won’t BEAT me. He takes no pleasure in the sustained physical impact it takes (at times) to get me to release my mind. Crusoe won’t beat me because he can’t stand to see me hurt, to see me in pain.  Crusoe is genuinely uncomfortable with my level of play.  He is nonplussed by the frightening bruising that I love, he doesn’t understand it, doesn’t like to look at it.  Crusoe (and I) love thumbprints on my collarbones, or welts from his belt, but he has no stomach for the physical destruction of his cherished property. And masochist or not, I don’t want him (or anyone) to participate in anything where they aren’t fully invested. Sadist, masochist…. I don’t care what name a person calls themselves…. Asking someone to play beyond where they feel safe is not only a consent violation (or worse), but dangerous, regardless of which side of the slash they are on.  It would be irresponsible for me to expect, or even ask, anyone to do anything they were uncomfortable with just because I want (need) it.  That just isn’t how it works.  

That said, in our dynamic, Crusoe sees my need as his responsibility.  He is willing to give me that gift by negotiating with others for what will recalibrate my mind and body.  We are fortunate to know and trust sadists that will give their time, skill, and love (yes, love) to give me this gift.  Meanwhile, Crusoe continues to learn and grow his skills, but his heart isn’t in impact.  My Sir is not a sadist – at least not a physical one, and you know what?  As a masochist, I don’t want ANYONE participating outside their comfort zone, especially the man who holds every other part of my life in his hands.

Is there a perception that D-types have to rein themselves in because their s-types don’t have the same appetite for pain?  Absolutely. As a community, we are bombarded with images, video, and writing of the sadist and the whimpering bottom pleading for quarter, but that isn’t necessarily the real world.

The bottom line for any of us is communication – real life, honest, soul-searching communication. Dominants should feel no more compelled to be sadists than submissives should feel compelled to endure pain.  The Dominant that leads you might not be the sadist that beats you, and that’s okay.  The submissive that loves you and serves you, might need something that you can’t give.  And that’s okay.  In the immortal words of @instructor144 , “it ain’t all blowjobs and spankings.” We all learn and negotiate what works for us and our individual dynamic.  

Go in peace my anon friend. I hope you find what works for you.

Hi! I loved your post about catharsis, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to post a bit more about being more of a masochist than Crusoe is. a sadist. There’s so much written a about sadistic D-types holding back because their s-types don’t have the appetite or tolerance for pain that they have desire or ability to inflict it, but not much is written about the reverse, which is true in my dynamic as an s-type. You wrote about it so eloquently.

What a great ask – albeit somewhat difficult to answer, which won’t stop me from rambling.

I’m going to put this out there:  me being a masochist has little to do with Crusoe being a sadist (or not) in our dynamic. The power exchange between us is about our relationship and has little to do with whatever happens between us physically.  Does the physical feed the mental for us?  Yes. That said our particular flavor of power exchange far more about our connection.  (Gah! I’m struggling to express that me getting beaten is not what our dynamic is about.)

Before I get pilloried, let me state emphatically that I write from my personal perspective and do not claim to speak for anyone else.  My definitions and our dynamic are strictly what works for me and Crusoe.  

I am a submissive, and a masochist, these are things that I don’t choose to be, these are things that I am. Crusoe is not a sadist in the sense that he takes no pleasure from hurting me.  He is my Dominant and the leader in our dynamic.  There is no “rule” that a Dominant must be a sadist any more than there is a “rule” that a submissive must endure whatever a Dominant chooses to dish out.  Are there sadistic elements to Crusoe’s leadership?  You betcha.  He is incredibly creative, he knows what I need, but he recognizes that my level of physical tolerance is beyond what he is confident or comfortable giving.  For the sake of this question, I am going to write about impact only.  Why? Because I fucking love impact.

Crusoe has mad flogging skills, he’s fantastic at it and I love to be flogged.  That’s the problem – I love to be flogged.  Crusoe will wear himself out before I get tired of being beaten. Flogging (in particular) is impact that we both really enjoy, for him, there is a sexual component, for me there is almost a comfort component.  When the masochist in me needs to get fed, comfort doesn’t get the job done.  Crusoe will flog me to get me all hot and bothered, there will be dirty, raunchy, filthy sex after a flogging, but my mind won’t feel cleansed.  Sated? Yes.  Like a dirty whore?  Oh hell yeah – and loving it.  As amazing as it is, that isn’t what I need.  

When I am latched up to the chain, or the cross, or tethered to the spreader bar, I need to suffer.  I need to endure.  It is a battle between my body and my brain to find peace. There are times when that peace only comes with pain.  As antithetical as is might sound, being beaten somehow both feeds my OCD and renders it powerless.  It is liberating, freeing.  (No – being beaten is not a substitute for actual treatment of my lifelong battle with OCD.  Yes – OCD is a real thing and not what you see in the movies and also Yes – I receive treatment from a medical doctor for both OCD and PTSD.)  (why do I feel the need to qualify everything?  This is my fucking blog)

Does that mean that Crusoe and I don’t do impact?  Oh Hell no! Crusoe is ready, willing, able, and adept at impact.  Crusoe loves to get me all tingly, to make me hurt and wiggle, but he won’t BEAT me. He takes no pleasure in the sustained physical impact it takes (at times) to get me to release my mind. Crusoe won’t beat me because he can’t stand to see me hurt, to see me in pain.  Crusoe is genuinely uncomfortable with my level of play.  He is nonplussed by the frightening bruising that I love, he doesn’t understand it, doesn’t like to look at it.  Crusoe (and I) love thumbprints on my collarbones, or welts from his belt, but he has no stomach for the physical destruction of his cherished property. And masochist or not, I don’t want him (or anyone) to participate in anything where they aren’t fully invested. Sadist, masochist…. I don’t care what name a person calls themselves…. Asking someone to play beyond where they feel safe is not only a consent violation (or worse), but dangerous, regardless of which side of the slash they are on.  It would be irresponsible for me to expect, or even ask, anyone to do anything they were uncomfortable with just because I want (need) it.  That just isn’t how it works.  

That said, in our dynamic, Crusoe sees my need as his responsibility.  He is willing to give me that gift by negotiating with others for what will recalibrate my mind and body.  We are fortunate to know and trust sadists that will give their time, skill, and love (yes, love) to give me this gift.  Meanwhile, Crusoe continues to learn and grow his skills, but his heart isn’t in impact.  My Sir is not a sadist – at least not a physical one, and you know what?  As a masochist, I don’t want ANYONE participating outside their comfort zone, especially the man who holds every other part of my life in his hands.

Is there a perception that D-types have to rein themselves in because their s-types don’t have the same appetite for pain?  Absolutely. As a community, we are bombarded with images, video, and writing of the sadist and the whimpering bottom pleading for quarter, but that isn’t necessarily the real world.

The bottom line for any of us is communication – real life, honest, soul-searching communication. Dominants should feel no more compelled to be sadists than submissives should feel compelled to endure pain.  The Dominant that leads you might not be the sadist that beats you, and that’s okay.  The submissive that loves you and serves you, might need something that you can’t give.  And that’s okay.  In the immortal words of @instructor144 , “it ain’t all blowjobs and spankings.” We all learn and negotiate what works for us and our individual dynamic.  

Go in peace my anon friend. I hope you find what works for you.