Forewick Holm

Get the ferry, set for sea As fast as can be done Let go the ropes and free our hopes Of western skies to come

You think you are the smartest person on earth as you put your spoon in the microwave to make it easier to scoop ice cream. You give awful advice that sounds smart when spoken but terrible when executed. You insist on doing things yourself and are so absolutely sure you are doing everything right. Your confidence gives you charm, as well as the bravery to do the dumb things that you do

• “Some philosophers have called boats the airplanes of the sea.”
• “You’re the reason I grew up with a lingering resentment towards authority!”
• “Okay, rough start. But definitely not a sign of things to come.”
• “The vast nexus of pointless diversions we call the internet actually has a couple productive things to do on it.”
• “Fate is a fickle thing. Some of us may try to defy it’s will, but there are enough small businesses with Pizza Hut roofs out there to tell you that such a thing is ultimately futile.”
• “Hmm, all the rich guys I know are in positions of power. I should run for office!”
• “It ain’t so easy living in a place where plants can’t grow and being naked for an hour means certain death.”
• “Welp, so much for real life.”
• “Apparently ‘I’m mad butthurt’ isn’t a valid reason for prosecution.”
• “Well, when your devotion to God has failed you, there’s only one path in life left; time to become a lawyer!”
• “You can’t always get what you want. Unless that thing is getting everyone to hate you. That’s extraordinarily easy!”
• “Y’know who likes pointless novelties like that? The incredibly rich!”
• “As we know, with great power comes great tomfoolery.”
• “Was there ever a human soul as profoundly asinine and willfully ignorant as Amelia Bedelia?” 
• “After peanut butter and chocolate, my favorite combination of two things is probably gross incompetence and high explosives.”
• “In the words of Danny DeVito; when I’m dead, just throw me in the trash!”
• “Oh god dammit, not you again.”
• “I’d love to stay and chat, but I saw some trash outside that looked delicious.”
• “Y’know what, kid? You’re alright.”
• “Say, how’s about we ditch this musty old mausoleum and go back to my place?”
• “Well SORRY I don’t subscribe to your Eurocentric propaganda, [name].”
• “Fuck you, don’t try to downplay my suffering!”
• “I just got shin-bashed in the dick bag! THAT is the proper level of vulgarity relative to the situation!”
• “My very being is on fire, and my only desire left is for death himself to bless me with merciful relief.”
• “And just when things looked like they couldn’t get any worse, they got worse.”
• “Don’t eat strange bread. You could trip balls and die.”
• “Fuck you, you cheeseburger slut!”
• “We all have our guilty pleasures in life.”
• “The human spirit is a very powerful thing.”
• “I’m like 90% certain that if I’m ever forced to dance with death, my soul is pussying out to the great beyond first thing.”
• “Stories about wayward corpses have certainly carved their niche in today’s media.”
• “My personal favorite part of the holiday experience is where we systemically brainwash children into thinking there are supernatural beings who judge their every move and invade their house at night.”

• “Looks a bit... Sad.”
• “It’s an orange meringue pie. With really bad oranges.”
• “Nothing says the holidays like ambiguous meat.”
• “Now that’s just vulgar.”
• “This tastes like if Christmas gave up.”
• “I wonder what demon we’ll summon today!”
• “Is life insurance expensive?”
• “It’s like a morgue.”
• “I need a hug.”
• “You know what that’s called? Criminal intent.”
• “So far, so good!”
• “I’m gonna start needing blood pressure medication.”
• “Eggnog is already one of my favorite things, but homemade is supposedly ten times better.”
• “Sorry, my cauldron is in the dishwasher.”
• “We’re scalding, not boiling.”
• “This has ruined all other eggnog.”
• “America, you’ve done it again!”
• “This stuff’s stronger than my desire to drop out of college.”
• “Now, I’ve never made a fruitcake, but if you’re anything like me... You are one.”
• “I feel like I’m exhuming a body.”
• “This is sacrilegious.”
• “This is for people who hate baking.”
• “It’s an unenthusiastic cobbler.”
• “I mean yeah, it’s alright, but it’s all wrong.”
• “A cake should be an occasion, not a disfigured dump on a plate.”
• “I really just JFK’d this cake.”
• “We seem to be baking guacamole.”
• “Look at how good it looks!”
• “I’m so confused.”
• “Now this has to be the simplest pie recipe I’ve seen during my time on this earth.”
• “Welcome to the real world.”
• “I’m going to eat all of these.”
• “This was the economical way to feed your family, during a time when people were pinching pennies until Lincoln wept.”
• “Ah yes. Brings back memories.”
• “Is it bland? Yes. Is it bad? No.”
• “I can’t think of anything better for Valentine’s day than a good old fashioned cream pie.”
• “I’m single, so I’m used to it.”
• “Tastes like a wet blanket.”
• “We want the bread to rise, not generate thrust.”
• “It smells divine.”
• “This is stellar!”
• “Don’t ask.”
• “It’s gonna be one of those days, huh?”
• “If this red flag was any bigger, it would be a blanket.”
• “Are there worse things than this? Doubt it.”
• “Jokes aside, I’m quite disturbed by this.”
• “I think I’m becoming jaded.”
• “Well, that was utterly horrendous.”
• “I’m scared of a lot of things, including the IRS, clowns, and English majors.” 
• “Really starting off on the wrong foot... Or, more like the wrong limb.”
• “What part of Italy are you from? Kentucky?”
• “How to get an entire country to hate you, step one; this.”
• “What is wrong with you!?”
• “Some things are naturally impossible, like perpetual motion and happy AT&T customers.”
• “Let’s hope this doesn’t kill my blender.”
• “It’s a very important day. Do you know what day it is?”
• “My nose is redder than Rudolph’s, my hands are drier than my dating life, I have an eighteen pound flightless bird in my sink, and my fridge is filled with more calories than a small 7-eleven. ”
• “Not only are our turkeys defrosting, but so are Michael Bublé and Mariah Carey.”

If there was ever a glint of joy in Georgie’s eyes, Fannar doesn’t catch it; he’s resigning himself to staying put for a little while longer (although he really can’t complain; he just has to figure out a few logistical things, like having Mjási fed).

“Thank you. Is it alright if I take my coat off, again?” He’s already kneeling to undo the laces on his boots, since removing his shoes is something he deems a necessity, but despite their time already spent together he still doesn’t want to get too comfortable.

His shoes are tucked back against the wall where they had previously been, and then he pulls his phone from his pocket. He will text Elín to let her know the situation, and the rest can be figured out once the storm blows over. Looking up from his phone, he calls after Georgie, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“These recipes are pretty, uhm… strange.” He tried to be polite about it, but the book he held in his hands was concerning. Then again, the title ( Depression Era Cooking ) should have tipped him off. Luke’s knowledge of that time period was foggy at best, but he was certain he could look deeper into it once they weren’t neck-deep in baking. “That time was really hard for people, wasn’t it? I guess if they couldn’t buy a lot of ingredients, they had to make do.”

He peered up to find them reading over his shoulder. “We should try one, just so we can appreciate what we do have here. Even if it ends up tasting a little odd, we can make an even better cake for everyone to eat later.”

“I don’t get it! I did everythin’ the damn book told me t’do!” He grabbed the ratty book, forcefully flipped it open and skimmed through the pages until he found the recipe he had followed. With a yank, he pulled Georgie over. “See?! I ain’t the smartest, but I can freakin’ read.”

While they poured over the recipe, Mammon returned to the warm stove. The contents inside the pot were questionable, but he was so certain that it wasn’t by his own hand that it turned out terribly. But, just in case, he began to rapidly stir the mess, as if that would save it. “It ain’t a disaster! You’re a disaster!”

More panic, more disappointed groaning and mumbled insults ( most of them directed at himself. )

“Ya gotta help me fix it! I can’t impress Craig if I don’t get this right!”