✰ — — * PARKS & RECREATION SENTENCE STARTERS
‘ i tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and i broke everything. ’ ‘ i typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems. ’ ‘ there’s only one thing i hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk. ’ ‘ don’t be such a baby. i cooked you some bacon for a trail snack. ’ ‘ i really only listen to german death reggae and halloween sound effects records from the 1950s. ’ ‘ whenever she asks me for the latin names of any of our plants, i just give her the names of rappers. ’ ‘ i once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. ’ ‘ i didn’t actually sell my last car, i just forgot where i parked it. ’ ‘ i don’t know who al gore is and at this point i’m too afraid to ask. ’ ‘ when they say 2% milk, i don’t know what they other 98% is. ’ ‘ i’ve only slept nine hours over the past four days so i’m right on the verge of a nervous breakdown. ’ ‘ upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me. ’ ‘ since i am not a rabbit, no, i do not want a salad. ’ ‘ you’re like an angel with no wings. ’ ‘ oh my god you have to stop using the word ‘nipple.’ ’ ‘ you’re right, i know. i have to be a grown up… but it’s so hard! ’ ‘ i was reading an encyclopedia and i tripped or ‘fell over’ and hit my head. or ‘brain helmet.’ ’ ‘ oh my god, your boobs are dead. ’ ‘ i have a medical condition, alright! it’s called caring too much and it’s incurable! ’ ‘ he put all my records into this rectangle! the songs just play one right after the other! this is an excellent rectangle! ’ ‘ if i keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, i will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair. ’ ‘ guys love it when you can show them you’re better than they are at something they love. ’ ‘ jogging is the worst. i mean, i know it keeps you healthy, but god, at what cost? ’ ‘ i have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life. ’ ‘ i know this and i love you. ’ ‘ that’s too much responsibility. i gotta find a way out of this. ’ ‘ you are a wonderful person. your friendship means a lot to me and you look very beautiful. ’ ‘ i was kind of getting sick of listening to them talk about their relationship, but then i remembered that alcohol existed. ’ ‘ i got stung once and i’m immune. go ahead and sting me, bees! it does nothing! ’ ‘ i’m not afraid of cops! i have no reason to be. i never break any laws, ever… because i’m deathly afraid of cops. ’ ‘ i’m fine. it’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and i’m always tired. ’ ‘ there will be alcohol there, so i will go as well. ’ ‘ i can’t go because i don’t want to. ’ ‘ i’m just gonna stay angry, i find that relaxes me! ’ ‘ i don’t want to seem overdramatic, but i don’t really care what happens here. ’ ‘ i’m just gonna leave early and go home. ’ ‘ if any of you need anything at all, too bad. ’ ‘ you have never been neutral on anything in your life. you have an opinion on pockets. ’ ‘ dance up on me! ’ ‘ i have an idea, it’s very uncool. it’s not illegal, technically. but it is a dick move. ’ ‘ one time my refrigerator stopped working. i didn’t know what to do. i just moved. ’ ‘ you’re stupid and you’re drunk and you’re stupid. ’ ‘ you don’t even know one thing. i didn’t even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and i didn’t even do it once. ’ ‘ i’m like an elephant, okay? if i walk into a room, it’s like, ‘oh he’s in there.’ ’ ‘ bababooey. ’ ‘ mac and cheese pizza?! you’re making that?! ’ ‘ i was dying earlier today. and then i died. now i’m dead. ’ ‘ the only thing i will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother! ’ ‘ i don’t want to be overdramatic, but today felt like 100 years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life. ’ ‘ i have been kind of tense lately. just thinking about the new star wars sequel. ’ ‘ it does look sad. kind of. sorry for stepping on you, floor. ’ ‘ if you rearrange the letters of peru, you can spell europe. ’ ‘ you’re as guilty as you are sexy. ’ ‘ this maze is like a maze. ’ ‘ sometimes when i blow my nose, i get a boner. i don’t know why. it just happens. ’ ‘ so i feel like you were mad at me yesterday and i don’t know why so i made a list of everything i did and i’m gonna try not to do any of them again. ’ ‘ no, i’m not crying, okay? i’m allergic to jerks! ’ ‘ i don’t even have time to tell you how wrong you are… actually, it’s going to bug me if i don’t. ’ ‘ with all due respect, you’re a major dick. ’ ‘ the calzones… betrayed me? ’ ‘ who hasn’t had gay thoughts? ’ ‘ do you think a depressed person could make this? no! ’ ‘ i like your energy. what do you say you and i ride go-karts later? ’ ‘ three words: treat. yo. self. ’ ‘ treat yo self. it’s the best day of the year! ’ ‘ i’ll tell you what. here’s the deal. if you get fired, i’ll quit, and we’ll leave together. i’m serious! move to a new city, change our names… burn our fingertips off with acid… swap faces… if we have to. ’ ‘ monsters don’t have souls? uh, have you seen monsters inc? ’ ‘ i make my money the old fashioned way: i got run over by a lexus. ’ ‘ i took this thing called ‘zapvigil’ which apparently is what israeli fighter pilots use to stay awake so… right now it looks like i’m talking to a giant crab. stay away from me crab! ’ ‘ well, you suck at being polite, sir. ’ ‘ at one point, for no reason, i just took off my shoes and held them in my hand. ’ ‘ three, two, one, and my shift’s over… what the fuck is your problem?! ’ ‘ math is worthless in real life. i mean, there’s an app for calculating tips. that’s all you need. ’ ‘ your house isn’t haunted, you’re lonely. ’ ‘ just because i can’t go out with him, someone else can? wow. ’ ‘ oh, this is bad. i should not have done this. ’ ‘ she’s the worst person i’ve ever met. i want to travel the world with her. ’ ‘ no, no, no, no. i’m not lonely. i have me. ’ ‘ i love watching russian traffic accidents on youtube while i play children’s music at the wrong rpm. ’ ‘ god, i am so annoyed that he would hypothetically do that. ’ ‘ you beautiful, rule-breaking moth. ’ ‘ you beautiful, naive, sophisticated newborn baby. ’ ‘ you beautiful tropical fish. ’ ‘ hope no one minds if i livetweet this bitch! ’ ‘ i just want to hear the doctor say that he had a fart attack. is that too much to ask? ’ ‘ the only things i like are dogs and sleeping late. ’ ‘ it kind of sucks that i’m super broke and i want to buy you stuff and it’s embarrassing that i can’t. ’ ‘ i don’t want anything. i just want to hang out with you. ’ ‘ you’ve killed my spirit. my spirit’s blood is on your hands. ’ ‘ i hate people. ’ ‘ you can see the stars, which i hate. they’re creepy. ’ ‘ i will kill you slowly with a giant syringe. ’ ‘ what? i love garbage. ’ ‘ i only tell the truth when it makes me sound like i’m lying. ’ ‘ i want to be burned at the stake. ’ ‘ i’m going to murder you a thousand times. ’ ‘ people who buy things are suckers. ’ ‘ this is 100% certified for realskis. ’ ‘ well, if there’s anyone who can bring my parents together, it’s no one. no one can ever bring them together. ’ ‘ getting married is the bravest, most wonderful thing you can do because every day you come home and you’re just like, ‘what? it’s you! i love you! you’re my sexy roommate. we love each other.’ ’ ‘ i am 100% certain that i am 0% sure of what i’m going to do. ’ ‘ my anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours. ’ ‘ maybe we should find the person who stole your positive attitude. ’ ‘ scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. i believe i am that human being. ’ ‘ messy is fun, okay? my whole life is a giant mess and i love it. ’ ‘ friendship is better because friends help you move. they drive you to the airport. boyfriends just… love you and marry you. ’ ‘ i hope you brought a change of clothes cause your eyes are about to piss tears. ’ ‘ everything hurts and i’m dying. ’ ‘ i need you to text me every 30 seconds saying everything’s gonna be okay. ’ ‘ let me just say, from the bottom of my heart: my bad. ’ ‘ there are no consequences to my actions anymore. i’m like a white, male u.s. senator. ’ ‘ hey, are you busy? and writing star trek fan fiction does not count. ’ ‘ what do we…? like, what do we do? like, what do we do? um, how- how do we- how…? how… how… how? what do we do?! ’ ‘ oh, also, i have a little secret… i’m drunk. ’ ‘ i do say the cutest stuff. ’ ‘ i don’t want to cause a panic… news flash: we’re screwed! ’ ‘ velvet slippies, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. i’m a cashmere-velvet candy cane. ’ ‘ you shut your mouth! you have all the strengths! ’ ‘ never half-ass two things. whole-ass one thing. ’ ‘ i’m a simple man. i like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. ’ ‘ i guess i kind of hate most things, but i never really seem to hate you. ’ ‘ time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge. let’s go! ’ ‘ i have no idea what i’m doing, but i know i’m doing it really, really well. ’ ‘ ovaries before brovaries. ’ ‘ sometimes you gotta work a little so you can ball a lot. ’ ‘ i have never taken the high road, but i tell people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road. ’ ‘ just remember, every time you look up at the moon, i, too, will be looking at a moon. not the same moon, obviously. that’s impossible. ’ ‘ i’m just gonna go live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross. ’ ‘ i love games that turn people against each other. ’ ‘ i don’t care about that prize, but i’m gonna win because i want his happiness to go away. ’ ‘ that is the coolest sentence i have ever heard somebody talk. ’ ‘ i wanted to make fun of stupid people while i get drunk. my two true passions. ’ ‘ i am big enough to admit that i am often inspired by myself. ’ ‘ if i could go back in time and cut your eyeballs out, i would. ’