Altogether, I really like the way americans say "can I help you?" as a polite general one-size-fits-all stand-in for "who the fuck are you/what the fuck are you doing here/how the fuck did you get in here/what the fuck are you staring at/what is your fucking problem." Such a polite way of going "bitch what the fuck."

Yeah she used me like a toy last night 😏

*smash cut to scene where I am being taken apart like LEGOS * nah post canceled this still reads as unironically sexual somehow. Bye

post uncanceled. if women want to take me apart sexual style then well ok. #feminism

It IS true that being on here gives you a tumblr accent. This morning my mother asked me something and i replied "i don't know i've never heard these words in that order" and she nearly choked laughing. It wasn't even that funny

at my old job i had a coworker who was tired and made a coffee with like 6 or 8 shots of espresso and i just casually went up to them like “are you trying to meet god?” and not only was this absolutely hilarious to them but they brought it up in future conversations they thought it was so funny but to me this was just as casual as saying “woah that’s a lot of coffee”

Being funny on Tumblr and then going to be funny in real life is like traveling to a foreign country and baby the currency exchange rate is biased in your favor

Reblog to let your followers know that despite your current obsession your previous obsessions still exist and are simply lying dormant until they awaken and strike again

yeah. you all get it.

The best doggy

A young man stands in his bedroom, it just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2023, is this young mans birthday. though it was 27 years ago he was given life, it is only today that he finds neil absolutely banging out the tunes

Ngl this is kinda hilarious

Makes sense. I mean, a passenger of a cruise line isn't called a sailor, right? Astronaut literally means "star sailor."

OP how could you not include the first paragraph of the article

Huge oversight on my part you're absolutely right

Time through time :)

I didn’t think I would like him with a beard, but it turns out I really do!!

Here’s another version with his right eye missing:

I have too many versions of these (with different hairstyles, with and without facial hair and other things) and I am still working on more!

I’m not sure I’ll post them all but at least I’ll show you my favorites ^^

Let's irresponsibly breed a dog together!

Share as much as possible that dog gotta be atrocious by the end of the week

MASSIVE NEWS FOR LINGUISTS: the sphinx of black quartz has just befriended the quick brown fox and the lazy dog.

HELL YEA

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

26/26

Roses are red, that much is true, but violets are purple, not fucking blue.

I have been waiting for this post all my life.

They are indeed purple, But one thing you’ve missed: The concept of “purple” Didn’t always exist.

Some cultures lack names For a color, you see. Hence good old Homer And his “wine-dark sea.”

A usage so quaint, A phrasing so old, For verses of romance Is sheer fucking gold.

So roses are red. Violets once were called blue. I’m hugely pedantic But what else is new?

My friend you’re not wrong About Homer’s wine-ey sea! Colours are a matter Of cultural contingency;

Words are in flux And meanings they drift But the word purple You’ve given short shrift.

The concept of purple, My friends, is old And refers to a pigment once precious as gold.

By crushing up molluscs From the wine-dark sea You make a dye: Imperial decree

Meant that in Rome, to wear purpura was a privilege reserved

For only the emperor!

The word ‘purple’, for clothes so fancy, Entered English By the ninth century

.

Why then are voilets Not purple in song? The dye from this mollusc, known for so long

Is almost magenta; More red than blue. The concept of purple is old, and yet new.

The dye is red, So this might be true: Roses are purple And violets are blue

.

While this song makes me merry, Tyrian purple dyes many a hue From magenta to berry And a true purple too.

But fun as it is to watch this poetic race The answer is staring you right in the face: Roses are red and violets are blue Because nothing fucking rhymes with purple.

Hirple - To limp or walk awkwardly

Cirple - An old Scots word for the hindquarters of a horse

“Roses are red, violets are purple,

My boner for you has caused me to hirple.”

…

DYING. I AM DYING.

ngl I keep forgetting that Hobby Lobby is a real store that people go to. That people actually think of it as a craft store and not as a crazy Christian mass artifact smuggler. I google "Hobby Lobby" and get a page full of results that make me go "wtf is this craft supplies and operating hours shit, I thought we all knew this place for smuggling looted cuneiform tablets out of Iraq"