This is a long one...

So i recently moved for grad school. This was something I've wanted to do for YEARS and now I'm here, and wishing that I had someone with me. I wish my ex wanted to come like he said when we first went out... but our dreams and aspirations were just too different... i also don't know if i truly experienced love or not. He was the first person to actually go out with on a date with me when i asked. Most guys don't even give me that... rejected for years. One sided feelings... i was getting hurt over things and people who i wasn't with. I put in so much energy to become friends, to get to know them and be around for them. Isn't that what you're suppose to do? Get to know the person you like? So I'd have these feelings inside amd once I'd say something I'd always get, "You're a great person and have a wonderful personality. You're strong, funny, talented BUT i dont think we'd work" i would ask why, and they all ALWAYS SAID, "I'm not ready" even though a week later they'd be with someone.... So i stopped trying to gain that emotional trust because i was just thrust into the friend zone EVERY TIME. So then, i keep my feelings aside. And for whatever reason, this made me more physically attractive? I've been involved with too many people to count, and out of all of them, i kinda fell for 5 of them... Guy 1: I really liked him. Seemed cool.. didnt talk to him much prior and we didn't have too much in common but eh... he had a nice body. After being involved for a few months, i found out he had a girlfriend and i was his side chick. I was devastated because i wanted to be with him, but he wanted someone else. Later in life i found out he's a complete ass hat and he tried to get with me again when he had a ladyfriend. Soild nope. Guy 2: Knew this guy for years~ was always intrigued by him, but didn't think too seriously about it. But then we had sex and everything changed... i wanted nothing more than to be with him... sexually. I wasnt sure if i wanted to be in a real relationship with him or not, i enjoyed being with him without "being" with him way more. We had so much in common and i just deeply enjoyed this conpany. But if he did approach me about being together, i would've said yes in a heartbeat. But i wasnt going to admit my feelings and neither was he. So it became a stand still. Till this day, i still dont know what he thinks of me. Guy 3: LET'S RIDE THE EMOTIONAL TRAIN! This guy... fucked me up. I'm still livid... me and him actually did have a very deep emotional connection (well to me it seemed that way). We shared a lot of the same ideas, struggled with mental illness... we'd share advise and feelings and I really thought things we going somewhere. I just got a job at the time, got a kitten and everything seemed right and perfect. He wanted to be with me and that was a first for me... but he fucked it up. We had a night together and after, he avoided me like the plague! Only to find out a few days later that he started dating someone else, and that he ultimately regretted being with me. I was BEYOND pissed because i believed we had something special and right. Cried for days... Guy 4: He kinda came out of no where but he was such a nice distraction and the fact that he was giving me attention, made me swoon even more. We didn't have sex but came close to it... im trying to talk to him but im a child who doesn't know how. But i really have the hots for him. Dunno if anything will or could come from this... Guy 5: This one is special... he's actually someone who I consider an EXTREMELY great friend. I believe we do have an emotional relationship and we've been intimate (not sex) which kinda means so much more to me. He is pretty young, and i dunno if that is my reasoning behind why I haven't really committed or tried to say anything... but i think about him often. Very often. I've been considering saying something, but at the same time... i dont know how. So unintentionally, i realize i did make those emotional connections now that I'm writing this, but it was only 3 out of the 5 out of the many that i got that with. I've become kinda jaded about relationships and now i dont even understand what it means to have one or be in one, nor do i feel like i deserve to be in an relationship. *shrug* maybe i haven't found the right person or im just not letting myself see the right guy who's right in front of me Tldr; i feel lonely but not sure if i want a relationship because guys are dumb and I'm probably cursed or something.