It’s a rough time.

Nothing really happened in my life. I didn’t lose anyone. I didn’t lose anything. I still don’t have all the things I don’t have, and I still have all the things I hae. 

I’ve always had OCD. It’s been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.  The past month it’s gotten bad again, and now I’m anxious over every little thing. 

Things like the taps and the lights... Those I can handle. They used to drive me insane, but now they’re just minor speedbumps along the way. Therapy has helped me tremendously. And I always ask myself: ‘What’s the worst thing that could happen?’ 

And my answer is always something that I realise is so minor in the grand scheme of things, that I’m able to continue with my treatment and ignore that nagging thought in my head. 

But it’s not as easy when the answer to that one question is basically the only thing that matters in the grand scheme of things. I could die. My loved ones could die. 

I can’t sleep because I’m so afraid that I’ll die when I’m asleep. I scroll through Tumblr and Reddit and see cool new inventions, and all I can think about is how one day these things will be so advanced, and I won’t be alive to see it. I’m so greedy, but I truly want to live forever. 

Perhaps the one good thing from OCD is that it’s made me realise how much I love life. I value it so much, but it’s what torments me so much honestly. 

And I don’t know which is worse. The thought of me dying and just ceasing to exist, or the thought of my loved ones leaving me and never being able to speak to them, see them, touch them, get mad at them, laugh with them, smile at them... 

I see losses all around me but I have yet to experience one that’s torn my world apart. And logically I can see that it gets better. With time comes peace. But I truly love them so fiercely that I really don’t know how I’ll manage it when they really leave. Sometimes I wish I could just not love anyone ever, then I’d have one less thing to be afraid of. 

I can’t stop thinking about them getting into car accidents, crashing in a plane, slipping on a puddle and getting an internal bleed, stupid, far-fetched things that I can’t push out of my mind. 

I’m terrified. I can’t focus on anything. I don’t even have the balls to make plans for myself in the far future, because I’m so paranoid I won’t even live that long. 

I don’t know what I really wanted by posting this here, but I always felt like Tumblr was a place with people who were understanding when it came to things like mental illnesses. No one will see this, probably, but I think it’s good for me to get this off my chest anyway, before it crushes me. I think I’m also hoping someone will see this that knows what I’m going through and can help me through this. I seriously don’t know how I can handle this alone. 

If any of you really do see this, and you follow me or something, I hope you don’t think any lesser of me. I’m still the same person, I think. I’m just... really struggling right now. 

I commissioned a piece for my artist AU one shot, Wings! Thank you to the talented @talismanic-art for the amazing work and for being a really sweet individual!!! Do check both her and the fic out :)) 

I wanted to do some montage amv sorta thing but god... i need to find the time to finish this... 

EP 01 VS EP 12: Run Yuuri Run!

An apology and an explanation

So I received message regarding the comics that I’ve posted on Tumblr, and I’d just like to talk a little about them.

I’d link you to my comics but for now I’ve deleted them to try to rectify the issue, but I thought that an explanation post would be needed too since I can’t delete all the reblogged posts and it’s still circulating. I’ll provide screenshots below so you know what I’m talking about.

The person basically asked whether or not I got permission to use the images I used in my comic. My comics basically looked something like this:

As you can see, I took existing Yuri on ice images from the anime, and edited them to make my comics. It was very clear that I didn’t draw any of the images inside, and I also used photoshop brushes to edit and add some of the effects.

To me, I felt like they were basically edits, and I wanted to just create a harmless comic for people to enjoy.

However, I also used other images as well, and here is what I’d like to talk about in this post. I took images from comics like Ajin, and a webcomic called Siren’s Lament (see below). 

Below are more examples of the pages from all three of my comics where I’ve used other people’s work (there are more but these are just a select few), and the credit I included in my post at the time: 

As you can see, I honestly had no intention of claiming any credit for the work. However, I understand that my intentions really don’t mean shit, what matters was what I actually did. 

I forgot about the comics, and recently even reposted the Yuri Plisetsky one (with the Ajin bankbook) without credits. I just want to give a quick explanation (which I’m aware is no excuse, but it’s just my explanation) for why the repost lacked the same credits. I saw the comic pages on my laptop, felt like reposting them for #YuriPlisetskyWeek, and did so, without going through the pages. I forgot that I had used work outside of Yuri on ice and so did not credit. That is completely my fault. I have deleted the post. 

However, the biggest problem here is that I had not actually gotten permission from the respective artists to use their work, and I’m sorry for that. 

I understand that there is no excuse, and the logic is very simple: you use someone’s work, you ask for permission. However, when I created the comics a year ago, I honestly had no such awareness. I was new on tumblr, didn’t interact much with the creator community, and didn’t know this. At the time, I felt that I had given credit and I clearly was not pretending that any of it was mine, and I felt like it was just like edits that other people do on Tumblr. 

I want to say that I understand that this is completely wrong. 

Now, having spent more time here, and having spoken with many artists and reading posts on plagiarism, etc, and ironically being very disgusted by art thieves, I know very well that what I did was really just art theft. 

However, I completely forgot that I had used other people’s works. In my memory, the comics were just edited Yuri on ice screencaps. It was only until another user messaged me privately about whether or not I received permission (and I saw a comment left on the comic at the same time) that I realised I had really just stolen someone else’s work, and I’m absolutely mortified. 

I’m really sorry, and I’m just very embarrassed about the whole issue. I understand it very clearly now that there is no excuse, and that the matter is very straightforward. Simply crediting people when they don’t even KNOW that their work is being used is not okay, and it’s still art theft. I’ll be contacting the creators soon to apologise, but I also wanted to apologise to the community. 

I have many friends who are artists on here, and I would never want the same to happen to any of them. I understand that it’s frustrating, devastating and a huge rip-off, and I’m mortified that I actually did the same to other people. Like I said before, I can’t get rid of the reblogged posts, so it’s no doubt still going to be circulated, so I wanted to at least make a post to explain and apologise for this matter. 

I’m really, really, honestly, sorry. I was ignorant, and continued to stay ignorant about my own faults until it was directly brought to my attention, when I should’ve known better on my own. I hope that this clears things up and gives you guys a bit more insight into what happened and why it happened. I know it’s not an excuse, but I was really ignorant a year ago, and it won’t happen again. 

tl;dr: I didn’t know what I was doing. I was new, ignorant, and didn’t care about getting permission, and basically stole art, and I’m sorry.