Your sailor nickname is [what color your shirt is] [your first pet’s name]. You are [phone battery percentage] years old. Your ship is the HMS [last thing you ate].

Years ago, I was in the car with my mom when we noticed a car parked off to the side of the road with a lady standing outside it. My mom rolled down the window and asked her if something was wrong, if she needed a jump; and the woman responded that she needed help in the woods across the street.

Because of a duck.

It was dark out, and this woman told us to follow her into the depths of the woods to help a poor injured duck. Her husband was with the duck, completely out of eyesight from the street. My mom instantly followed the woman into the brush, determined to save that poor theoretical duck. I followed behind, wringing my hands, certain we were about to be horrifically murdered.

But, man, we saved the shit out of that duck.

Huh…..

list of heroes

the woman who dated 40+ guys, got them to buy her iphones, and then sold them to buy a house

the woman who traded one singular rick and morty sauce for a car

don’t forget the woman who charged a bunch of dudes money to attend an orgy but never promised any women would be there so they all just showed up to find nothing but men

The girl on Tinder whose profile said “send me $5 and see what happens” and after they sent her money she blocked them

the girl who pretended to be a republican and got old white conservatives to fund her tuition

100 to 0

IMMA FUCKING KILL YOU

oh wait this is actually pretty good thank you

he attac but then he snac

Apparently I badly want to go on my “stop making fun of plague doctors, they were ahead of their time and doing the best they could with the primitive equipment they had available” rant.

They weren’t stupid.

They shoved herbs in their breathing hose because they knew the air was bad and hoped it would help, and *they were right* in theory. The plague itself was not an airborn virus, but they couldn’t know that and it wasn’t the only thing killing people at the time anyway, and they covered *all* their bases. If they’d had the technological knowhow to make air tanks, or even better air filters, they would’ve. They just made the best air filters they could.

What we think they wore isn’t exactly what they wore, and what they actually wore would later be repurposed into scuba suits (and thus spacesuits too) and *actual hazmat suits*, because the theory was sound, the materials were just lacking, and honestly what they did with the materials they had was hardcore.

It honestly took doctors well into the twentieth century to get that level of obsessive attention to hygiene and cross-contamination back. A whole lot of babies and mothers wouldn’t’ve died, for instance, if a plague doctor instead of an obstetrician supported the birth because A PLAGUE DOCTOR WOULD KNOW TO WASH THEIR GODDAMNED HANDS.

Actual plague doctor’s outfits:

Who was responsible for turning plague doctors into laughingstocks instead of primative but honoured medical and scientific predecessors anyway?

Was it the Victorians? It was probably the Victorians. Those pretentious sanctimonious jerks ruined everything.

#i did not realize people made fun of plague doctors #ive mostly seen people freaked out by the aesthetic #they always seemed to me like a bittersweet example of humanity scared shitless #and still trying really really hard #i’d get very poetic about it #sometimes its a stare out the window and empathize with plague doctors kind of day and that’s just how it is #that’s just how growing up is #i feel like thanks victorians is a strong contender for thanks obama’s throne (tags via @cicadianrhythm)

today i found out that victor hugo has had more sex than possibly almost any other human that has lived on this planet. 

he had so much sex his biographers straight up gave up trying to document all of his sexual partners. he was reported to fuck up to 3-9 times a day. He had a secret sex diary written in code. He had “official” and “unofficial” mistresses. One estimate was that he had ~200 sexual partners in two years. 

Icon. 

don’t forget that on the day of his funeral all the brothels in Paris were closed because every single prostitute in the whole goddamn city was busy mourning him

Hey quick question what the fuck

the man reported on his hookups in his diary using latin code words and 2 million people attended his funeral, if that isnt balling idk what is

victor hugo has been dead for 133 slutty, slutty years

Conrad Jon Godly

Gross porn blogs:

What is it about my page that entices you? I’m not interested! Get lost!

The bots are using tumblr to scam Google.

Let’s say someone is looking for porn and they put “wife caught her husband cheating,” into Google. There are a lot of porn sites (and some news sites) with that title. So Google has to decide which order to show them in, because most of the time, people pick something off the first few pages of Google.

Google wants to have the very best “wife caught her husband cheating” (or whatever else you search for) sites on the first page of the search. Google has several ways to try and decide which site are the best, but one of them is that it looks at how popular it is by seeing how many other websites link to it. If a lot of other sites are linking to it, it was probably useful to them, so Google will put it on the front page.

So if I’m a sleazy pornsite owner, I could create like a thousand websites and make them all link to my “wife caught her husband cheating” site, and act like a whole bunch of different websites thought it was pretty great. They’d be like “xdfgt .com”, “xdfgy .com”, “xdfgh .com,” just nonsense addresses nobody else was using, or whatever. I’d try to make Google think my site was awesome, because all these other websites are linking to it.

But Google has already caught on to that. Google would know “xdfgt .com” was a crappy fake website, because nobody else is linking to “xdfgt .com”. Any website that is only linked to by crap websites is also crap, as far as Google is concerned. Google won’t put it on the first pages of search results.

So instead let’s imagine the sleazy pornsite owner creates a thousand fake tumblrs instead, like “xdfgt.tumblr .com” and “xdfgy.tumblr .com” and “xdfgh.tumblr .com” and just puts one or two posts on them to add links to the “wife caught her husband cheating” porn site. Google can still tell those tumblrs are crap websites, because nobody else is linking to them. But the difference is … on tumblr, the sleazy pornsite owner can make your website link to him.

Let’s say your tumblr is “mostlyaestheticandfunny.tumblr .com”. If “xdfgt.tumblr .com” likes one of your posts, there’s link on your blog to “xdfgt.tumblr .com.” Somewhere on “mostlyaestheticandfunny.tumblr .com” it will say “xdfgt liked this” with a link from your blog to “xdfgt.tumblr .com.”

Google’s bot looks at “mostlyaestheticandfunny.tumblr .com” and it sees that your blog is a good website. People are linking to it (talking to you or reblogging from you), you write like an actual human being, you have nice pictures, you update sometimes, you aren’t a bot. So Google decides your blog isn’t a crappy scam website. Then it sees the link to “xdfgt.tumblr .com” and it thinks “oh hey, a nice website with good stuff written by a real human linked to this “xdfgt.tumblr .com” I guess maybe “xdfgt.tumblr .com” is a decent website too.”

Then it looks at “xdfgt.tumblr .com” and it sees the link to the porn site with “wife caught her husband cheating”, and it says, “well, I guess that “wife caught her husband cheating” site is a good site. I know that because there’s a good site linking to it here at “xdfgt.tumblr .com.” I know “xdfgt.tumblr .com” is a good site because “mostlyaestheticandfunny.tumblr .com” linked to it, and I know “mostlyaestheticandfunny.tumblr .com” is a good site because it is updated and writes like a real person and people talk to it and link to it.”

So basically the porn bots are using the fact that you have a good blog to make themselves look better and to try and trick Google’s bot into thinking they’re very popular and it should put them at the top of its list when people search Google for porn.

It’s really annoying! It would be really nice if the people running tumblr figured out a way to not be free advertising for every sleazy porn site on the internet

source.

hey wow thats actually really useful! and its written in a way that i (a bird with no knowledge of the wizardly internal workings of a website) can understand!

FINALLY AN EXPLANATION

Target has a “Halloween Dachshund Skeleton” and one of the product photos is a room with nothing in it except the skeleton.

he done did it again, the boy just loves yeeting himself to sleep I guess…

he’s evolving…

Every morning, with out fail, I wake up at 4 am to go to the bathroom. My body is on a timer.

Every morning at 4 am with out fail my big whiney demon of a cat is waiting for me and I am encouraged, no I am expected, to scoop this 15 pound monstrosity up and hold him like a baby while I pee or he will wail like Hades' pits of despairing souls and wake up the entire neighborhood.

The hellion on trial

Wrong, that is a Good Boy! 

This is a demon baby. A wailing banshee who bends me to his whim and I love his stupid stupid face

We got my mother a black cat Halloween candy bowl...

It’s no longer hers.

It’s the cat’s now.

Trash bowl friends

*checks you out through the gap between our crossed blades*

*winks at you flirtily while parrying your next strike*

*blows you a kiss across the battlefield*

“Are you from Heaven, because you’re about to go back”

I mean…

every fucking day i think of the fact that in the teletubbies show they had to use flemish giant rabbits to be the cute bunnies in the show bc flemish giant rabbits are so fucking big

that any other rabbit breed would look puny next to the teletubby suits. 

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