Just Breathe Chapter 5
RATING: MATURE
Sample:
We can’t seriously start this off by fighting.
“No, you are right. We shouldn’t fight.” He spoke, finally meeting my gaze. Surprise must’ve been written all over my face because he clarified, “Yeah, I heard that through the Force bond.”
“Oh.” What the hell was I supposed to say to that.
He smirked briefly, and with a trembling bare hand he carefully pulled a single strand of hair from my eyes and tucked it behind my ears.
“So Scavenger, what did you want to talk through?”
Pushy, wannabe Sith lord, asshole –
“No, Ben, you aren’t joining me.” This wasn’t a particularly a conversation she wanted to have while sitting alone on the Millennium Falcon. Her heart was broken in so many different ways, and the last thing she wanted to do was break it more. Of course she wanted him to be here, she had flown straight into his arms the moment she saw his future. But they wanted different things for the future of, well, essentially the galaxy.
Rey, you are absolutely not sitting alone on a planet where you just got attacked –
But most importantly, he was being an ass at the moment.
-so you will tell me where the hell you are right now.
I snapped. “I cannot deal with this right now, ok? I’ve told you no, the answer is no. So stop!” His shock and disdain boiled in to my mind.
“Rey, I –”, anger flared from within me, it was like a taunt cord being cleanly cut with how fast the force bond snapped shut.
Huffing, I kicked off my boots and threw myself on to my cot. The silence of the ship stung for a moment. I guess I could have one of the triple bunks if I wanted, or even the one in the lounge, since no one else was on board. General Leia’s conflicted face would forever be burned in to my memory. One of the only admirable women I had met in my life seemed so disappointed in me. She loved her son, but she didn’t trust him. My isolation was my own choice this time after I heard the volley of insults the remains of the Resistance had for him.
He’s manipulating you.
He’s on the dark side.
There is no saving him.
No one understood that he had a choice in who he was going to be. Ben had been there more for me in the last few days than anyone else had in my life. Chewie always had my back, but even he chose to go with the Resistance. Finn cared for me but it wasn’t enough to protect the both of us from isolation. It was clearly as long as I communicated with him that I needed to be on the outside, for the sake of the Resistance.
I felt disposable.
I felt like I was on Jakku.
Where nothing I said or did made a difference, I had expectations to meet and harsh punishments when I didn’t. Even in the Resistance, my choices just put me in to a box full of new expectations and duties to the cause. Ben and I didn’t have choices, everything was made for us and the most we could do was control the collateral damage. We were both alone because they were told who we were going to be. Even now, being bonded to Kylo Ren essentially painted my future in the eyes of everyone. Oh, Finn had looked at me with caution in his eyes even though he stood next to me. He could’ve said everything in the world to make it feel like nothing had changed, but that caution never left his eyes. I was alone again.
But I didn’t have to be, Ben was willing to be here for me.
There was just so many things they needed to figure out. She did not want to rule the galaxy, she just wanted to stop the murders. His whole mentality was heart breaking. Kill the past.
Sighing, I carefully undressed and scrubbed the bits of makeup off my face. I didn’t need any reminders of what I had lost when I woke up in the morning. Tomorrow I would have to figure out where I was going to stay. Rose offered to send suggestions in the morning for some place centrally located. Tears brewed in my eyes and I just couldn’t handle any more today. I found a place, and lost it just as fast.
“How dare she think she could-“
Stopping mid-sentence in case she was somehow listening still. Her guards were clearly up but her agility at closing the bond was surprising. I clearly had pissed Rey off and I wasn’t going to lie, she pissed me off too. She goes on and on about bloody being there for each other and when I offer to come to her immediate aid she refuses. I wanted to be with this bloody woman and she could care less.
Pacing around my ship seemed pointless and wasn’t getting rid of my desire to rip things to shreds.
I just needed to talk to her, so I guess I was at a point where I was just going to have to wait. She clearly wasn’t going to be pushed into seeing me, so I might as well just sit my ass my down and wait for her to come to her senses. Disappointment came over me. Every time I wanted something for Rey it was like I was proposing the worst idea in the world. I was disregarded and it ignited a rage unlike any other.
Flicking back to the moments before she rhetorically shut a door on me, again, I decided that maybe she didn’t like how commanding I had become. Authority is a natural attitude for me when I’m in a fight. I was fighting for her, but regardless it still came out. Rey was not one to bend to authority, she despised it which is something I fully related too. Maybe I just needed to give her space? Letting things go was not my forte in the slightest but it’s all I could do.
I could also try apologizing, but I was too exhausted to even think about that. How in the hell would I even do that? What would I even apologize for? Caring?
The co-pilot chair was in smoldering pieces by the time I calmed my mind.
I would apologize for pushing and commanding her. That’s all I could manage right now.
I considered going back to base, but it felt wrong. Even though there were far more things I could destroy, I needed space from the turmoil of the First Order. Briefly, I checked in with General Hux who gave me virtually no update. After another hour of pacing and checking the force bond to no avail, I decided to try to rest. Slouched in my cock pit chair, it was uncomfortable to say the least but at least I would be at the controls in case Rey got back to me.
Women were bloody complicated.
I had only been asleep for few hours when I woke up completely startled.
My instincts flared, feeling like I had an invader on my ship. I was saber-less, but I armed my blaster and carefully cleared each room and the perimeter. It was an all-clear and yet I was disappointed that there was no one there. Actually, that’s wrong. I was disappointed it wasn’t Ben, because my heart wanted and needed him here after everything that had just happened. I wanted him and my pride was getting in the way.
I took a steady breath and tried to think things through.
It was almost dawn by the time I settled on what I was going to ask Ben to do. I got to watch the sun rise for the first time over the lush green of a sprawling forest. A wave of peace fell over me, despite being absolutely terrified about what I was about to attempt.
The tug was clear and strong for once.
“Ben?”
Clearly he was asleep, his face void of the constant worry and conflict lines and a light snore rising from him. His hair was a genuine wreck and I had no idea how he slept like that without throwing his back out. I couldn’t help but smile, he looked human for once.
Crossing the room and kneeling down, I couldn’t help but trace the scar running along his face. Regret struck me hard in the gut, this beautiful man was forever maimed by my own hand and would have to see that jagged line for the rest of his life. At my touch he jolted awake, flying backwards a foot before his eyes adjusted.
“Ben! I’m sorry, it’s just me. I’m sorry.” I whispered, not having a clue where he was it was probably for the best to remain quiet.
His eyes dilated for a moment, and all of a sudden his whole body slumped with relaxation.
“Rey” he breathed.
This was easily the best way I’d ever been woken up in my life.
I started apologizing immediately for being an ass earlier, “Rey, I’m sorry that-“
“I’m sorry-“
We smiled at each other. Her entire face lit up and practically pounced on me as she tried to touch my face. “You smiled! You smiled for real Ben!”
I caught her hands and lowered them from my face, I might be completely obsessed with this girl but no one has touched my face… in well a long time. But I couldn’t ask myself to let go of her hands. In fact, I would’ve loved it if she would just climb in to my lap. Her smile didn’t fade at all, nor did the light she exuded. Huffing, “Yes, my face does contort in that shape.”
With a smirk she squeezed my hands, “Oh thank the Force.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Rolling my eyes, I was still reeling that she had let the bond open again. I decided if we were going to have another blow up fight, we might as well get to it so we can get it over with. “Rey, I’m sorry for being pushy-“
“Oh yes, you were absolutely pushy… But I shouldn’t have shut you out either.”
That was surprising. She didn’t give me a chance to reply before continuing.
“Ben, I want to physically see you. I’m not sure about the logistics, but we need to meet on a neutral planet. Possibly Ach-to? We have to talk through everything, and that’s probably going to be a mess but I don’t want to be alone-“
I couldn’t let her continue, “Send me the coordinates and I’ll be there as soon as possible. I’m already in my personal ship.”
She breathed, relief flooding every square inch of her face. She was beautiful.
“Are you sure? I mean, aren’t you running the First Order at this point? I don’t know how long I will be alone for, or even how long I’m asking you to stay.” Nervousness crept in to her voice and she began to break eye contact.
I squeezed her hands, “Irrelevant.”
A blush crept through her freckles, she nodded and released my hands to cross a room. She rummaged for a minute before asking for several various pieces of communication information from me. A message appeared on my ships dash.
Coordinates.
She trusted me enough to give me the coordinates to Ach-to. I didn’t know how to feel.
“I’ll see you there.” Rey whispered, a small smile on her face as the bond crackled away.
Being on Ach-too again was unsettling, especially now that Luke was gone.
I had only been landed for about an hour when I spotted a dark and foreboding ship approaching. Two porgs next to me squawked in fear and fluttered back to their cliff-side nests. Fear, nervousness, anxiety, excitement, longing, everything you could imagine ran like an electric current through me. Don’t get me wrong, I was absolutely still mad at Ben Solo for thinking he could command me to do anything.
I was still excited to actually see him.
Taking off, I jogged down the stairs to meet him on the beach. He had landed next to the Millennium Falcon. This was one long ass stair case, so I hadn’t even made it half way down when he carefully disembarked looking on guard as he looked around. The moment he spotted me, he straightened up and swallowed hard.
He was so damn tall.
Ben’s stride covered twice the ground as mine, and we met at the end of the stair case. His dark eyes glittered even with the blue and purple circles under them. His hair had been hastily patted in to shape and his tunic was clearly worn for several days. But none of that trumped the look of pure anxiety that crossed his face. He cleared his throat before speaking.
“Could you have picked a place with a smaller stair case?”
Relief washed over me and I couldn’t help but smile. “Probably, but it’s quiet here. It’s where the Jedi belong.”
His eyes dipped for a moment away from me, and he carefully scanned the beach front. “Is that so?” Ben’s voice was controlled, but guarded.
“That means you belong here.”
“Does it?”
We can’t seriously start this off by fighting.
“No, you are right. We shouldn’t fight.” He spoke, finally meeting my gaze. Surprise must’ve been written all over my face because he clarified, “Yeah, I heard that through the Force bond.”
“Oh.” What the hell was I supposed to say to that.
He smirked briefly, and with a trembling bare hand he carefully pulled a single strand of hair from my eyes and tucked it behind my ears.
“So Scavenger, what did you want to talk through?”
