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I'm On Some Dumb Sh*t.

@ladykissingfish / ladykissingfish.tumblr.com

Nikki. She/Her. 🩷💛💙. Tired, uninspired, pre-wired for disaster. Mostly Naruto stuffs here. Check out my second account YowYowYaoi for more of the same nonsense.
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*during the war*
Naruto: Obito’s too powerful, Sensei! How do we defeat him?!
Kakashi: Don’t worry kid, I’ve prepared for this possibility …
Kakashi: *bites thumb*
Kakashi: Summoning : Old lady with groceries no jutsu!
*an elderly woman appears in front of them, laden down with heavy-looking grocery bags*
Old Woman: Oh dear, these are so heavy, however shall I make it home?
Obito:
Obito: *visibly twitching*
Obito: *goes to her and picks up all of the bags*
Obito: Let me help you with that, obaasan.
Old Woman: Oh, thank you! What a nice young man …
Obito, turning his head: This isn’t over, asshole. When I get back —
Old Woman: And when we get to my house, maybe you’d help me with a few of the chores? I’ll give you some cookies in return!
Obito:
Obito: … yes, ma’am.
The others:
#obito uchiha#kakashi hatake#the 4th shinobi war#naruto#naruto shippuden#old people in need of assistance … Obito’s only weakness
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*Deidara sitting with Itachi, watching him sculpt something with Deidara's clay* Itachi: *grunts in frustration* I just can't get the hang of this ... how do you manage to make your stuff look so good? Everything I try to make comes out looking like a depressed slug ... Deidara: *chuckles* Years and years of practice, hm. Things like this take time, and patience ... *floats one of his butterflies around the room and then explodes it in a small shower of sparks* And THEN you have a true artistic masterpiece, hm! Itachi: About that ... can I ask you a question? Deidara: Yeah? Itachi: You put a great deal of work into creating detailed sculptures, and in the end you just destroy them. What's the point? Why go to so much effort to create beauty, only to erase it seconds later? Deidara: *shrugs* I can't really explain it, man. It's just, seeing the explosion makes me feel something, hm. A happiness that nothing else has ever made me feel. So I figure if that's what makes me happy, then that must be what true art is. A masterpiece of feelings. Itachi: You say nothing else has ever made you feel like that? Nothing at all? Deidara: Nope. And I doubt that anything else ever will. So -- Itachi: *leans over and gently kisses him* Itachi, shyly: How about that? How's that make you feel? Better? Deidara: Deidara: Deidara: Slowly starts molding a bomb and grabs hold of Itachi's arm* Deidara: I'm sorry, but, I have to explode you now. Itachi: What?! Deidara: NOTHING is supposed to make me feel better than my art, and that did, so now you have to go. I'm really sorry, I appreciate the kiss, but it is what it is, Uchiha. Now it'll probably hurt less if you just stay still, so -- Itachi, watching from behind the chair, already having replaced his body with a clone:

Finally made another ItaDei chat, @capynul

#itadei#itachi x deidara#itachi uchiha#deidara#naruto#the akatsuki#how dare you make him FEEL things Itachi.
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nothanksidontwanttodie

Obscure Things I think the akatuski members collect pt 1

This is going purely off vibes and my own hyperfixations(I cannot stop)

Kakuzu: taxidermy frogs. He keeps them in a briefcase, it has caused problems. This may be due to the fact that he himself looks like bad taxidermy.

Itachi: cubes

Konan: ok so y’all know like, garden stepping stones? She would collect those for no damn reason. She HAS a garden, but those stones stay stacked up in her room for the day she know shall come when she can discus them at someone’s(obitos) head

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ladykissingfish

Hope this is okay @nothanksidontwanttodie ; I got inspired 😊

Nagato: We need to have a talk. It’s been brought to my attention that some of you are … collecting, questionable things. Things that may or may not be making your fellow Akatsuki comrades uncomfortable. In the interest of keeping peace within my group, I find it necessary to —
Hidan: Oi, fuck whoever’s lying about me! I do NOT collect the corpses of the people I sacrifice; I simply annihilate them and leave them to rot in the woods, like a normal person.
Nagato: This isn’t about you, brat. It’s —
Kakuzu: So I see one of you finally peeked inside of my briefcase. Please be assured, my new hobby of performing taxidermy on frogs isn’t something any of you need to be concerned about. It’s simply relaxing and —
Deidara: Wait … my pet Mr. Hoppers has been missing for weeks, hm! Did … did you —
Nagato: This isn’t about you, either … but what the hell? 
Kakuzu: *shrugs* Just move on, Leader.
Nagato: Very well; Konan, this is about you, my dear.
Konan, surprised: Me?!
Nagato: Yes. I’ve been told that you’ve been amassing quite the bounty of garden stepping stones?
Konan: Y-yes? What’s wrong with that? They’re very pretty and patterned and —
Nagato: That’s not the issue. The issue is that you have a poster of Tobi on your wall, and every night you throw these tiles at the poster until they shatter. You’ve got poor Tobi terrified to even be around you! He thinks you’re going to try to kill him!
Konan, laughing: That’s ridiculous! I would never try to kill Tobi!
Tobi: Whew! Thank goodness, Konan, because —
Konan, eyes glowing and voice deeper: Believe me, when I want to kill you, tiles or no tiles I won’t miss. “Trying” is for people who don’t expect to succeed and trust me, I WILL succeed.
Tobi:
Everyone else:
#the akatsuki#thank you OP#hidan#nagato#deidara#konan#kakuzu#tobi
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*Sasori talking to Deidara long-distance on the phone*
Sasori: … and then I had to go to another conference on this new suture technique. Very informative but I believe the method itself to have many impracticalities, such as —
Deidara: *yawning* Boooooring, hm. You know when I ask about your day I want to hear about other stuff, right? Like, how much are you missing me? Did you think about me a lot today?
Sasori: You may possibly be the most narcissistic person I know, my dear. But yes, I’m missing you terribly. I’m looking forward to when I can return home to you.
Deidara: Awww, you miss me?! That’s so sweet! I miss you too, hm! *changes his voice to be seductive* If you were here with me right now, what would you do with me?
Sasori: If I were with you? Well, first I’d lift you off your feet and carry you into the bedroom.
Deidara: … Go on.
Sasori: I’d lay you down on the bed, and undress you slowly and carefully.
Deidara: Y-yeah?
Sasori: And then I’d crawl over you, so that I had your waist in-between my knees. I’d lean down —
Deidara: And — ?
Sasori: And I’d kiss your forehead, tuck you in, and wait for you to fall asleep. Because I know it’s far past midnight back home and you should damn well be in bed, brat. *hangs up*
Deidara:
#sasodei#modern au#sasori as a doctor au#sasori x deidara#sasori#deidara#naruto#the akatsuki#❤️💛
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(Blank) The Type Of Person …

Konan the type of person to sleepwalk to the kitchen at midnight, eat all the leftover pizza, put the empty box back in the fridge, wake up the next day forgetting what she did, and go around interrogating/threatening to kill everyone because dammit she was planning on eating that for breakfast!

Hidan the type of person to not shower for weeks at a time because he believes that drenching himself in cologne works the same.

Sasori the type of person to say he’s only going to read ONE chapter of his book this evening, end up reading the entire thing in one sitting, absolutely hate the ending and spend the rest of the next day writing a fanfic about it to “correct the mistakes”.

Kakuzu the type of person to insist that his birthday is “just another day” and “not a big deal” then be really, really hurt if everyone doesn’t make it a big deal.

Konan the type of person to seem very gentle and delicate at home, but when she goes to the gym she’s an absolute heavy-lifting beast.

Itachi the type of person to pour himself a bowl of Raisin Bran for the fiber then sit and pick out raisins until the bowl contains an even number of them.

Kakuzu the type of person that absolutely does not trust banks and keeps all of his money either under the bed or in his pillowcase, and everyone KNOWS this but nobody ever tries to rob him because they know this man counts his cash at least five times a day and will literally stab you if he thinks you took even a few cents from him.

“Tobi” the type of person to “confess” to everyone in the Akatsuki as to who he really is, but separately and secretly, so that each person believes that they’re the only one who knows the truth.

Obito the type of person to spend forever picking out little thoughtful gifts for his friends, then never give the presents to them because he thinks they’re not good enough.

Itachi the type of person that spends the first ten minutes in the shower just standing and staring blankly at the wall.

Deidara the type of person to speak vigorously and viciously about someone he doesn’t like, but then all that person has to do is give one teeny tiny positive compliment about Dei’s art and he does a complete 360 opinion change on them.

Kisame the type of person that watches himself work out, shirtless, in the mirror.

The type to wash the dishes right away: Konan, Itachi, Sasori, Kisame

The type to let the dishes sit in the sink until they’re “reminded” to do them: Hidan, Deidara,

The type to purposely do the dishes so badly that the others just do them before they do: Tobi

The type who make someone else do the dishes by threat of violence: Kakuzu, Nagato

The type to never use dishes, period: Zetsu

Deidara the type of person to start some kind of new diet every week. One week it’s cutting out added sugar, the next it’s going for a high protein intake, the next it’s intermittent fasting, etc. The routines usually last about 3 days before Dei gives them up in pursuit of something better.

Nagato the type of person to keep holding on to an old phone simply because the newer ones have gotten rid of the headphone jack and he despises wireless buds. Says it’s for aesthetic reasons but it’s really because he doesn’t get how wireless and Bluetooth works and feels too embarrassed to ask anyone to explain it to him.

Itachi the type of person that'll start going gray in his late teens and feverishly dye his hair at least once a week to hide this from the others.

Zetsu the type of person to be anal about buying “all organic” products at the grocery store and judge the others when they don’t. Conveniently ignores that organic products cost more money and most of the others don’t have the financial resources that he does.

The type to carry the groceries in, in multiple trips: Konan, Itachi, Zetsu

The type to attempt to carry all of the groceries in at once no matter how bulky or heavy: Deidara, HIDAN, Kisame, Tobi

The type to (threaten) someone else to carry in the groceries: Nagato, Sasori

The type to offer to pay someone else to bring in the groceries (but never does): Kakuzu

Kisame the type of person to constantly downplay his talents or abilities, while secretly being the most badass person to ever do anything, ever. Makes a fantastic poker player.

#the akatsuki#naruto#headcanons#sasori#deidara#kakuzu#hidan#tobi#obito uchiha#itachi uchiha#kisame hoshigaki#zetsu#konan#pein naruto#nagato uzumaki
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*Kisame gently bathing an injured Itachi*
Kisame, speaking quietly: So many scars you have. Your skin certainly tells an interesting tale.
Itachi, head hung down, half asleep: A tale of abject failure, maybe.
Kisame: *sighs* You’re certainly in a mood this evening, aren’t you? Lift your arms, please.
Itachi: *does as asked and groans* God … I feel so sore. And this headache just refuses to leave.
Kisame: Perhaps this’ll encourage you to actually listen to me when I try to warn you about overusing those eyes of yours …
Itachi: I know, I know …
Kisame: I know you know, but my point is that you don’t listen. Every battle, every encounter we have, you lean on that sharingan until you’re at the brink of exhaustion. When is it going to be enough, Itachi? We CAN train in other means of combat, you know? I’ve seen your Taijutsu before, it’s pretty fiercesome, so why —
Itachi: You worry too much, you know that? *scoots over and playfully swirls his fingers around in the water* Why don’t you climb on in here with me, and I’ll show you some of my other skills ~
Kisame: *gives Itachi a wry smile and shakes his head* Nice try, brat, but it’s not working. *holds out Itachi’s robe for him* Come on, you’ve been in there long enough. Let’s get you into bed and a hot cup of tea in your hands.
Itachi: *steps out of the tub and into the waiting robe* When you say “bed”, do you mean —
Kisame: Yes; my bed. I prefer you there, anyway. Easier to keep an eye on you.
Itachi, indignantly: Oi, you’re acting like I’m some child that can’t be trusted. Worse than that, you’re giving me the same treatment that Sasori-san gives Deidara, or Kakuzu-san gives Hidan! Don’t lump me in with those immature brats! I’m not —
*from down the hall*
Deidara: Danaaa! You’re being a jerk, hm!
Sasori: If me being a “jerk” means preventing you from jumping off the roof to “prove that death is a social construct”, then I guess I’ll just keep on being a jerk.
*from the opposite end of the hall*
Hidan: ‘Kuzuuuu! You never let me have any fun, you bastard!
Kakuzu: Fun? For the love of that fake god of yours, how is wrestling a just-out-of hibernation bear FUN?! I KNOW your stupid ass can’t die but can you think of me for once, eh? Can you think of the guy whose gonna have to sew your ridiculous body back together??
Itachi, to Kisame: See?! I may overuse my eyes but at least I’m not actively doing crazy things like those two! I —
*Tobi walks up*
Tobi: Itachi-senpai! Are we still having our dango eating contest tonight? Tobi is positive that he’ll beat your record of 142 dango in one hour!
Kisame:
Itachi: … Okay, even half-blind I can still see that smug look on your face, Kisa.
#kisaita#kisame x itachi#kisame hoshigaki#itachi uchiha#sasodei#kakuhida#sasori#deidara#kakuzu#hidan#naruto#the akatsuki#tobi
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Sasori: I think my puppet body isn't as infallible to human disease as I'd originally thought. Deidara: What do you mean? Sasori: It's hard to explain. I don't have a heart anymore but when I'm around you? I get the odd phantom-sensation that it's beating out of my chest. I don't require air to breathe but again, when I'm around you, I often feel the need to take deep breaths and calm myself. Sasori: And when you smile? Or when I hear you laugh? My God, it's like somebody with giant hands and is taking hold of me and shaking me up to the heavens, so that I lose all control of my senses and feel I have to do or say or give you ANYTHING to get you to smile or laugh more. Sasori: *glares at Deidara accusingly* What have you done to me, eh? What ... what horrible magic trick is it that you're working on me?! *storms out* Deidara: Deidara, to Konan: Am I insane or did he just -- Konan: Did he just admit that he's in love with you? Yes, yes he did. Deidara: Should I ... should I confess back, or --? Konan: You should let him stew it out for a bit. It'll be hilarious when he finally figures it out on his own. Deidara: True.
#sasodei#sasori x deidara#sasori#deidara#naruto#the akatsuki#love#these two are in love and have been destined to be together since before the creation of the stars don't @ me
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