Lost
Summary: Carl Grimes was your best friend since birth, when he died the world turns grey, he was your partner in crime so you shut yourself off from the world, no one could get through, until one day you’re wondering Alexandria seeing Negan in his cell, maybe he could be the one to break you out of this hell
Pairing: Negan Smith x f!reader
Content: Age gap, Depressing themes, Consoling, Spicy themes later on, breeding kink, character development
I’ve been working around Hilltop helping out Maggie with what I could just for the week, Carl convinced me to come even though I really wanted to stay with in back in Alexandria, I just have this gut feeling for some reason, I work on cleaning up the garden thinking about the memories Carl and I shared, the first day of kindergarten when we were terrified of meeting other kids but he assured me he wouldn’t leave my side, or in grade 3 when boys would pick on me and he’d come to my rescue just like I did for him, then the world went to hell and everything happened so fast, I was out at the park with my parents, Carl and his mom and uncle Shane when crowds of walkers entered the park, screams erupted and blood went everywhere, Carl grabbed my hand and brought me back to his mom and Shane, I looked for my parents seeing them limp and covered in blood on the ground, I couldn’t mover until Carl snapped me out of it, Shane got us out of town, from then on Carl and I made sure to be eachothers safety net, partner in crime
We looked out for eachother after the farm fell, cuddling together on the road during cold nights, bunking together when we found the prison, I cared for him when his mother passed and did everything I could to help out with Judith, then the prison fell and I thought I’d never see him again, I found Carol, Tyrese and Judith on the road after a few days of being alone, everything happened at terminus and when I came out of the cabin and saw him again everything felt whole again like I had been missing a piece of me, on the road he kept me sane and grounded and I loved him for everything he’s given me, he’s my best friend, my brother even and no matter what this crazy screwed up world threw at us, we are there for eachother to support and love and comfort
I’m broken out of my thoughts when Maggie crouches beside me, plucking some berries that have ripened
“What’re you thinking about sweetie?” She asked nudging my arm
“Just all the moments I’ve shared with Carl, I guess I’ve just been feeling nostalgic today” I hear the gates open behind us, I turn excited to see if it might be Carl, he said he’d come pick me up at the end of this week here at Hilltop
I rush over to see Daryl enter first on his bike, I keep searching looking around for any sign of Carl, I look at Daryl confused when I find no sign of him
“Daryl, where’s Carl? He said he’d come”
He got off his bike clutching the strap of his crossbow, what he usually did when he was anxious
“Daryl?” My stomach feel sick somethings happened
“He tried…..tried to save some guy, nobody knew, not until he got worse” he grumbled out
“What…..what do you mean he got worse? Daryl? Daryl please tell me he didn’t……” I could feel my throat tighten my chest aches
“He got bit, he’s gone kid, I’m so sorry” he pulled me into his chest when I felt my knees weaken
I don’t know what to do, this pain is all consuming, that part of me that felt whole and complete with him just got ripped away in seconds, I feel so hollow and angry
“No no no no, he can’t be gone, please Daryl say you’re lying, just say this is a nightmare and I just need to wake up” I scream pushing back but seeing that defeated look on his face made it all real, he’s really gone, my best friend is dead
The drive on the back of Daryl’s motorcycle on the way back to Alexandria passed in a blur, there was no thoughts except Carl, nothing else just him and the way I loved him and the way he loved me, and I hate that I have to think “loved” and not “love” everything about him will be in the past now and it hurt, it hurts so damn bad, I don’t even know how to process this
The gates of Alexandria opened and Daryl drove in parking his bike infront of our house, it was just me Daryl, Rick Michonne, Judith and…….Carl
“Come on, get ya something to eat” Daryl said guiding me up the stairs, Daryl and Maggie always felt like more than just members of the group to me, they were more involved in my life than the others, they cared and noticed when I needed something, anything, but usually Carl would be the one to help me out
We got inside nothing has changed but it feels empty and lifeless, Daryl tried to get me to eat something but I just can’t, I go into my room downstairs across from Daryl’s and change into some sweats and one of Carls hoodies he gave me, it still smells like him, I can feel the tears run down my face all over again, when others died it still hurt but this is completely different, I’ve never felt like this before
I walk upstairs past everyone and go straight to Carls room, old comic books on his nightstand, some mess clothes strung over his floor, I laid on his bed when I feel something under his pillow, pulling it out it’s a letter with my name on it, I suck in a deep breath not feeling ready yet, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to read this, I tuck it into my hoodie pocket wishing I never had to get a letter
2 months have past and it’s been complete hell, I thought it was bad when I first found out, that maybe with some time I’d be able to grieve and try and find another hope to live, that’s what everyone tried to say at least, Daryl and Maggie kept checking on me every so often, telling me about what’s been happening trying to obviously distract me, Maggie was happy that they took down the saviours but livid that Rick let Negan live who now supposedly was a prisoner in a cell somewhere in Alexandria, Daryl would sit with me in silence sometimes just his presence sometimes helped, but only for a moment until Carl entered my thoughts again
I haven’t been able to eat, only if Daryl forced me to eat but I’ve only been able to keep down a little bit at a time, an apple, some water, but that feeling of hunger just never came, and I haven’t been able to sleep right either, I stay up all night just watching the stars thinking of all the times Carl and I would star gaze, he’d point out every constellation making me feel like an idiot but it was fun……..was
I get up from Carls bed changing into a fresh hoodie scared I’ll forget his smell, I walk to the mirror noticing the deep dark circles under my eyes and how my cheeks have sunken, my eyes blood shot, the hoodie is completely baggy on me now, freshening my hair into a less ratty ponytail and left the house, it’s late at night and the only people out are the people guarding the wall
I wander around until I’m sick of walking sitting on some steps that led down to some underground basement but it feels more private than just sitting on the street, feeling the cool night air it helps calm me down a bit, I push my hands into my pocket feeling the letter, I’ve kept it with me this whole time just waiting for the moment I get enough courage to read it, it’s time
I pull it out and unfold it looking at his familiar handwriting
“Y/n, my dearest friend, my best friend, the girl I’ve loved my whole life, I’m sorry have to write this, I’m gonna miss you and everything we could’ve done, but i don’t want you to wallow because I know if I lost you I’d be a wreck so please, don’t waste your life of precious moments on thinking about me, about reminiscing on every single detail of this pain, I love you more than anything so please for me…….live, find someone who will love you, find peace in the fact that I’m somewhere watching over you, because if anyone deserves the best in this screwed up world it’s you, I’ll always be there y/n just be happy”
But I don’t know how to be happy anymore, I’m glad it’s night time because I’m crying so hard I can’t breath, I feel sick, I feel like I need Carl
“Hey, you okay?” I hiccup and wipe my tears looking down the steps to the barred whole in the bricks where Negan stood looking up at me
“Sorry, I thought I was alone” I fold back up the letter and place it back in my pocket, I know the things Negan has done, but when I first met him when he visited Alexandria I felt oddly calm around him, un like everyone else
“You look like shit honey” usually when he said remarks like that he’d laugh in the persons face but he sounded genuine, if that was possible for Negan
“This about Carl?” I go stiff hating enough that it plagued my mind but when others talked about it it just makes everything worse
“I don’t know what to do, how to live without him” I say feeling my lip tremble as I lean back against the brick wall next to the stair case
“I know how you feel, lost my wife at the start, the pain doesn’t go away, you just gotta learn to live with it” this side of Negan was really shocking me
“Carl was my best friend, he was there since day 1, I don’t know how to move on, how to deal with the pain, I feel like I’m dying, I look like I’m dying…..apparently” I look at him at the last comment
“Damn, I always thought you were his girl, he was pretty protective of you”
“He always did that, another thing I’ll miss…….how did you move on, after your wife, how do I sleep again, how do I eat, how do I not wanna die and be with Carl again, how do I…..be whole again” I wrap my arms around myself as if it would fix this feeling
“Don’t stop, Carl was a good kid and if you’re anything like him he’d want you to smile again, no one can fix how you feel, you have to find a reason to live, live for his memory”
“I’m scared” I whine sitting right infront of the bars of the “window”
“That I’ll forget what he sounds like, that I’ll eventually forget what he looks like”
“You’ll be okay darlin, I promise you that”
I wipe more tears letting out a little embarrassed laugh
“Prisons really changed you”
“It’s given me plenty time to think, gets boring in here”
“I can……I can come visit you sometimes if you’d like?”
“Anytime darling I’m not going anywhere soon”
“Thanks for talking to me, I know I’ve been pretty much a mess”
“You’ve always been easy talking to you, only one to not seem scared”
“You don’t scare me Negan”
“Good, now go back home, take a shower and sleep” I nod before getting up to head home, when I get through the door about to head upstairs to Carls room but stop thinking about the letter, about what Negan said, I turn to go downstairs back to my room I haven’t slept in for 2 months, I shower and change into my own clothes, and for the first time in a long time I actually was able to sleep through the night
The sun shines through my window waking me up, I groan feeling my stomach grumble, after my talk with Negan last night it actual helped a bit, maybe its because he’s not family like everyone else that’s been trying to help me but he’s given me some umph to work on myself
I freshen up before going upstairs and grab some toast to eat
“Hey kid yer up early” Daryl says as he leans against the counter across from me
“Yeah, I finally got to sleep last night” I mumble
“Well good, I’m going out on a run today ya need anything?”
“Ummm….if you come across any foundation or something my color could you pick it up?”
“Why would ya need that?” He asked obviously confused since I never wear makeup
“Never mind it’s nothing, be safe on the run” I say quickly picking up an apple and leaving the house
In all honestly after finally looking in the mirror and seeing the damage I’ve done to myself, seeing how sickly and sunken my features have become it’s gotten under my skin and made me feel a bit self conscious
I walk down the streets seeing Michonne walking towards Negan cell, I catch up with her before she gets there
“Hey sweetie it’s nice to see you out” we were stopped right before the stairs down to Negans cell
“Yeah I needed some air, what’re you doing?”
“My turn to watch over Negan, worst part of my day” she groaned
“Ummm I can take your watch, I’m not doing anything else”
I nod feeling my social battery already dwindle from this conversation, nothing against Michonne, I love her it’s just all new again still, everything didn’t get fixed over night
“Okay but if you get sick of him come get me” she said before she left back to the direction of our house, I walk down the stairs and actual get into the basement this time, seeing him laid on his little bed in his cell, I pull a chair up closer to his cell and he finally noticed me
“Back for more darlin?” He asks sitting up
“Is it a crime to come visit you?”
“Nah, I’d rather have you sit and talk then some guard glare daggers at me all day”
“You can’t blame them but……but someone should give you a chance” I say as I keep my eyes focused on the apple I brought
“You eat today?” He asks changing the subject
“Yeah…….here I brought this for you” I say holding the apple through the cell bars
“You eat it, you need it”
“Don’t push me, I already ate and I know they probably feed you crappy food so please take it” he looked me over and it feels like my skin is on fire like there’s a thousand eyes on me
He stood up coming over to take it, his fingers graze my hands sending little shivers up my arms
“So how’d you become the “all terrifying” Negan?”
“Told you last night about my wife, after she passed I couldn’t take it I became angry at everything and took my rage out on everyone, hell I was a gym teacher before now look at me, I had everything when I ran the saviours, still hard to let go of this anger sometimes” he groaned as he bite the apple
“I understand that anger, my parents died right at the start and Carl was there for me through everything, he never left my side, I told him I’d stay here with him that I didn’t wanna leave him just even for a week but he said…..he said he’d be fine and he’d come pick me up, now I regret I couldn’t even get to see him in his last moments, just to be there to comfort him”
“Oh kid, have you spoken to anyone about this? Someone you’re more close to than a prisoner?”
“I can’t, they’re already worried enough and Maggie has her son and Daryl had the town to deal with, and I don’t know it’s easier to talk to you” I bit my lip trying to keep the tears at bay
“When does it stop hurting?” I ask looking at him for some guidance
“I don’t know darlin, might be awhile”
“I wish I could be angry, take out all this pain and turn it into rage so I could deal with it some how instead of wasting away”
“Damn hun you need some comfort from someone” I sighed looking at the keys dangling on the hook on the wall for his cell
“You’re not worried about me holding you hostage so they let me out of this damn hellhole”
“Well are you going to?” I ask pushing the key into the lock waiting for his answer
“I’m not that much of a prick” I unlocked the door and entered as he patted the bed next to him, I sit next to him feeling his arm wrap around my shoulders
“Left the door open and everything” he laughed as I rest my head against his chest
“If you wanna go I won’t stop you, you did awful things but I don’t think you should be locked up like some wild animal”
“You’re too sweet for this world, probably haven’t been able to even experience anything you should have by now, what are you 20?”
“22, and no I haven’t experienced anything really, not like there was any time or opportunities”
“You didn’t even experiment with Carl even if he was your friend?”
“We had little pecks but that’s all we wanted, he’s like…….he was like my brother” I say sitting up to look at him, his hand slides from my shoulders down to my thigh
“Haven’t even tested the waters with yourself?” He asks as his voice gets deeper my heart racing
“A little but…..” his hand slid higher up my thigh
“But what darling?” His gaze was intimidating but I also can’t look away
“But I don’t know what to do” I feel extremely turned on but also really embarrassed, either way it feels better than a shell of who I am
“Tell me what you’ve tried” I go to tell him how I touch myself when the door to the basement slams open and there stands Michonne, she comes in squeezing my arm tight and drags me out of the cell locking it behind her
“Michonne you’re hurting me” I whine from her grip
“What the hell were you thinking he could’ve hurt you” she yelled, she’s never yelled at me before and it’s terrifying
“I…….he wasn’t going to hurt me” I have to look away, her gaze was intimidate too but not in the way I like, her stare makes me feel small and weak bringing me back to this empty feeling again
“You’re an idiot if you think he wouldn’t use you, let’s go” she pushes me out the door and up the stairs, I see Negan through the window, he looked almost defeated as me, but what shon in his eyes ignited a little fire in the pit of my stomach
I’m definitely coming back here to finish that conversation
