Bite me💀🍷

take a quiz to find out which hannibal lecter outfit you are

Hannibal is the funniest show to ever air because Hannibal is supposed to be this quiet, polite, unassuming doctor that nobody would suspect, like when he kills someone in his office in “self defense” and everyone is like “wow...you took him down in a fight? That’s crazy.” But the problem is they cast Mads Mikkelsen who is in fact six feet tall and like 200 pounds and built like a brick house in a well tailored suit so Will Graham is like “he MURDERS people”

and everyone else is like “him?? Hannibal??? How could you say that?” And then it cuts to Hannibal in his fucked up library and his fancy suits with his steel tree trunk arms looking absolutely like THE most menacing human being to have ever walked the earth.

this show exists in an alternate reality where we the viewer have to accept that someone could say “there’s something off about that guy” and then people who have spent their whole lives profiling dangerous murderers sit down in a library with this man

and are like, “I honestly don’t see what you mean”

Valentine🌒

“hannibal and chilton fucked at least once before the events of season 1” is an incredibly funny headcanon just because like. you KNOW chilton thinks back on the experience like wow i totally blew this man’s mind. he absolutely cannot stop thinking about me. every dinner invitation is a desperate plea for another out of this world dick appointment with Me!!!! and meanwhile hannibal marked it down as a solid 3/10 and moved swiftly onward

when will offhandedly mentions that he thinks olive garden is fancy

The reason why NBC’s Hannibal found such a huge female audience is because Fuller’s/Mads’ Lecter is not a male power fantasy: he’s a female power fantasy.

He’s not a broody snippy git whose appeal is assumed apriori and who in real life would drive away absolutely everyone he met (e.g. any sad manboy ever trotted out as a lead by Moffat).

He’s not an “aspirational” over-muscled hulk.

He’s not a fighter for ‘truth’ or ‘justice’ for whom bodies are just collateral on his path to heroic self-actualization

This Hannibal is the Head Bitch In Charge.

He is independent to the n-th degree. He lives to please himself and no one else. He is fabulous. He shamelessly geeks out over obscure and refined pastimes and shares them with friends. He is the Queen Bee of his social circle. He takes any excuse to treat himself, but he also has perfect self-discipline: gym is not optional. His time-management skills are superhuman. He can decorate and keep a house like Martha Stewart, hold down several jobs, and practice multiple hobbies daily.

(And what are his hobbies, aside from slaughter? Cooking, foreign languages, drawing, playing musical instruments and composing. And clearly clothes shopping. He is probably on first-name basis with the best tailors and cordwainers in town. Contrast with Will, whose hobbies are stereotypically masculine: fixing motor boats, fishing, playing outside with his dogs.)

Hannibal is not young, but he wears his age gracefully. He regrets nothing, like an embodiment of Piaf’s “Non, rien de rien”. His hair is perfect because he clearly spends time in front of the mirror styling it, not because the show’s producer wanted him to look effortlessly cool (*cough*Sherlock*cough*).

He never, ever loses his temper in public, as if he knows that the world/audience will not fawn over him for trying to assert himself through vulgarity, posturing, or volume - all the typical ways in which men like to hijack and dominate conversations.

He can dispatch a creepy stalker like Franklyn with a single neck twist, with no consequences. A sweet fantasy, indeed. If only real life stalkers were so easy to dispose of.

Hannibal’s victims - those who were not killed in self-defense or as ‘murder presents’ for Will - tend to fall into two categories: other killers who act like *they* are the baddest bitches in town (Gideon, Tobias, the mural guy) and people who disrespect him. Of those, there are surprisingly many. In fact, it seems like the very esteemed pillar of Baltimore society Dr. Lecter goes through life constantly being dissed. This is rather puzzling. Hannibal is a tall good-looking white gentleman who speaks like a professor, dresses like a count, and drives a Bentley that costs more than people’s houses. And yet something about him prompts many people, especially in the service industry, to be rude to him.

But he doesn’t confront these “pigs” (already a gender-loaded term, even though it gets applied to victims of both sexes) in a head-on, macho way. Instead, he bides his time and dispatches his prey through some kind of a sneak attack. His preferred philosophy of fighting is “feminine”: assume your opponent is physically stronger and don’t try to out-muscle them. (Even if his opponent is much smaller and weaker, like Chilton.) Subterfuge, ambush, sedatives - Hannibal wins his fights by fighting on his own terms. Nevertheless, if a man should come at him with a weapon, he defends himself with perfect adroitness: Tobias, Jack, Mason’s henchmen, etc.

Even some aspects of Hannibal’s relationship with Will would make more sense if he were female. In particular the issue of, well, issue. Hannibal is clearly Not Okay with Will having children with anyone but him. This is somewhat odd for a man, especially one who seems to have never wanted kids before this. But it makes sense for a woman just past menopause: fate finally delivered her dream partner, but it’s too late to have a family. And so Hannibal sets up the dominoes for Margot’s pregnancy to be terminated practically as soon as he learns of it. If he can’t have Will’s kids, then no one can. They may be adopted, but they have to be *theirs*.

It also makes sense that when Hannibal discovers Will’s treachery, he goes full Medea on him. Killing the man’s children is common to cultural narratives of wronged women all over the world. It’s often the only leverage they have over the men, the only way they can exact revenge. Hannibal can take much more than Abigail from Will, but she is the only thing he can take that truly matters.

Bonus exercise for the reader: imagine a version of the show where everything is the same, but Hannibal is played by Meryl Streep.

Or even just swap Mads Mikkelsen & Gillian Anderson places. Let her be Hannah Lecter; let him be Dr. Bennett Du Maurier, her wary shrink. Both the characterization and plot still work almost 100%.

Bruh he eats people

Also a bonus yeah

will is always like “im so fucked up and twisted” you’re not evil dude you’re a closeted 34 y/o with untreated brain damage just take your anti-inflammatories and suck some dick. NOT THAT DICK jesus christ

hannigramming on main

Will: I’ve accepted my own monstrosity. The darkness of my mind has been illuminated by you. The storms clouds have dispersed the waves are still. But after this distruction, I fear what bones I will find washed on the shores in it’s wake.

Hannibal, knocking on the doorframe: Hey, I know it’s sad bathtime but I drew a picture of you as a saytr and I want you to look at it.

Hannibal (2013-2015) + #no context

Murder family values

Hannibal: I am your patient and you’re my doctor. Bedelia: Correct. Hannibal: That means you can’t tell anyone what I’ve confessed to you. Bedelia: Yes but if you confess you’re about to murder someone— Hannibal: I JUST MET A BOY AND HE’S THE CUTEST MOST BEAUTIFUL BOY I’VE EVER SEEN AND HE’S REALLY RUDE BUT IN A CUTE WAY AT LEAST I THINK IT’S CUTE AND I’M GOING TO MARRY HIM EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN’T KNOW IT YET BUT I SAID I LIKED HIS BONE ARENA AND HE RAN OUT OF THE ROOM SO I SHOULD SHOW UP UNANNOUNCED WITH BREAKFAST RIGHT?

Bedelia:

will graham covered in blood is always on my mind