I’ve been spending time thinking about the past lately. I know I shouldn’t waste my time looking back but I find myself scrolling through old messages and old pictures reminiscing about old times; some of them with people who are not in my life anymore.
Some memories were actually not as bad as I thought it was. At that time in my life I couldn’t see the big picture and somehow I was always thinking about the worst. I thought it was them who didn’t love me right and always felt like I need to work on forgiving them. Recently, I’ve come to realize that I couldn’t feel that they cared for me because I myself didn’t think I was adequate to receive that kind of attention and affection.
Suddenly I had this weird feeling, as I was scrolling through old messages, that I need to get in touch with people that I had feelings for. I don’t know why and don’t exactly know what I wanted to say, but maybe apologizing for all I did that could have hurt them while I was busy romanticizing my own pain.
I wanted to apologize because some things that I did also lead the situation into worst. I didn’t know better. Sometimes I wish I did, so that I didn’t have to wonder what It could have been, because honestly some of them could have turned into a beautiful relationship.
I was so close to writing them a long message. But I had to stop myself. Because while I thought I was being the bigger person for apologizing, I also thought that it’s selfish for me to suddenly appear in their life again, just so I can let out what’s in my heart and not feel these emotions anymore. What are they suppose to do with all that?
Then it hit me. All this time I thought I need to work on forgiving them but actually it’s myself that I have to forgive, for not knowing how to handle the circumstances that I was in, for not loving myself enough and for always prioritizing other people.
All those experiences lead me where I am at today, with the love of my life and wouldn’t trade the world for this. I am thankful for the lessons that they taught me—for giving me different perspectives, for all the memories, and most importantly for teaching me how to love better.
I love and take care of myself better now, and I am happy I found the one that I’ve been looking for.
