I am DELIGHTED that my queer energy comes through my mostly anonymous blog, so thank you very much for this! 

I have a degree in media, specifically television, so I have a lot of thoughts about this. First I’d like to say that it is completely okay to interact with “problematic” media. There’s a lot of focus these days on what representation is the “best”, but I don’t find that a good parameter to judge. Most of my favorite queer content is on the older side, and these works tend to contain outdated concepts or aspects of their time of origin. We don’t have to fully agree with the creators or the themes to enjoy the media, it’s okay. We seek out media to see something other than what is already inside us, if we only absorb solely what we deem to be “right” then our options at understanding what came before are severely limited. 

These are by no means perfect representations, these are just my personal favorite books and movies that I always return to!

Books:

- Left Hand Of Darkness (1969) - controversial to include this, but this scifi novel documents a culture that exists beyond gender and it transformed the way I though about gender in our world. It is not traditional queer representation but I think it’s cathartic to read as someone who exists outside the binary.

- Ruby Fruit Jungle (1973) - my mom read this in the 70′s when it came out and made sure I had a copy at the same age. This book changed my life. It’s about a small town lesbian who moves to nyc. The writing is snappy and bright. It made me ache in my soul to read about someone like me for the first time. It has elements of it’s time and some points that may wrinkle your nose now but it still hold up and I adore it. (fun fact: the author went on to co-write a series of mystery novels with her cat)

- Stone Butch Blues (1993) - hard to find physical copies, but pdfs are out there for free! It documents queer rights and communist activist Leslie Feinberg’s life as a gender nonconforming dyke in the 70′s. Can’t recommend highly enough for reading about gender exploration and presentation in addition to queer history. 

- Fun Home (2006) - pretty quintessential graphic novel reading in addition to the authors famous comic strip Dykes To Watch Out For. An autobiography of a young woman grappling with her sexuality only to find out her deceased father had also struggled with his. 

- Aristotle and Dante Discover The Secrets Of The Universe (2012) - a love story between two teenage best friends, it is one of the most beautiful YA romances I’ve ever read. Life changing. 

Movies:

- Paris Is Burning (1990) - a documentary around the ballroom scene in NYC in the late 80s. This under represented, POC-lead subculture birthed tons of movements we see today and much of drag as we know it.

- The Watermelon Woman (1996) - an early Cheryl Dunye (on of my all time favorite directors) film, semi autobiographical, about the experience of a black lesbian woman. I absolutely love this movie. It’s slice of life-y and full of heart. Also shot BEAUTIFULLY. 

- But I’m A Cheerleader (1999) - a cheerleader realizes she’s a lesbian and gets sent to conversion camp where she falls in love. A stylized dark comedy from the 90s, created by and intended for a queer audience, it’s visually striking and fairly light hearted given the subject matter!

- The Way He Looks (2010/2014) - there is a full movie of this, but the earlier short film is what stuck with me. Set in brazil, a blind teenager befriends and then falls for his new classmate. A very sweet film.

- Moonlight (2016) - follows the life of a gay black boy as he grows. Perhaps the MOST significant movie on this list, we wept in theaters to see a gentle and beautiful representation of black men in love. Important viewing for absolutely everyone. It is also a stunning, visually striking masterpiece. Cannot recommend highly enough!!!!!

- BPM (2017) - about the 90′s AIDs movement in france, will make you cry. It’s all about the power of queer revolution.

- Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2018) - idk how this is as far as representation goes, but its hands down a favorite of mine. Based on a true story, it focuses largely on a lesbian woman and her gay friend in the 90s pulling off a big con. It’s charming and dickish and i am quite fond of it.

- Portrait of A Lady On Fire (2019) - want several hours of unbridled wlw yearning? this is the one for you. absolutely a piece of high art. I saw this on a first date and we were so emotional afterwards we went on a 5 hour walk. 

Thank you for letting me monologue! If you read/watch any of these let me know, if you’d like! Feel free to add more y’all!

Thank you for reaching out to me. I was in a similar situation as a teenager with a difficult school and overbearing parents who favored punishments that ostracized me. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I can offer a bit of advice, even if you’re not really looking for it. When I felt especially trapped, I would try to organize virtual hangout with friends whenever I had internet access. Feeling alive for an hour or two can help the next few days feel more livable. If you live in a place where it’s safe to go on walks, that’s a nice way to get out of the house and get some distance from your parents. I’ve always found future speculating with my friends helpful, like we plan out our shared apartments we could live in one day or the fun adventures we’ll have. 

But more than anything, know this. The situation you’re in is awful and wearing you down, but you will get out of there. It might take a while until you are old enough and have the means but you’re going to step outside their control someday and THRIVE. Being alive feels achingly difficult right now but it’s worth sticking through the slog to see the other side. It’s unfair that you have to live like this right now but you’ve got so much of your life ahead of you. You are good. You are doing well. You are intelligent. You deserve better. Better is coming, I promise. 

I’m always here. Good luck.

Not a bother at all, no need to apologize! I hear you, I really do. Our world puts so much emphasis and over-inflation on the value of romantic love, it’s hard to be with out it. I have an issue with point 1 however, you are not unlovable! And if love is what you seek you will find someone who is overjoyed to love you, even if you can’t reciprocate. 

The best advice I have is to invest in loving yourself. Romantic loves come and go, but if you’ve come to peace and respect for yourself it will last a lifetime. I don’t agree with the whole “If you don’t love yourself how will anyone else love you” idea, that’s complete and utter bunk. But there is value in falling in love with yourself. I think about this Eartha Kitt video often, it’s on a similar topic and it really changed the way I feel about love as it relates to myself. When you feel loved by and for yourself, you won’t feel the same ache.

On the jealousy side tho, that’s something you have to tackle on your own. When you feel that jealousy rising, try to take it apart and address it bit by bit. Remind yourself you are lovable in all ways. Even if you don’t feel romantically for a future partner, you can still have all the sap, all the cheesy, corniness you wish. Being aro doesn’t keep you from a loving relationship, all the things you’re seeing as apart of your friends’ relationships you can have too. I have friends who I have felt just as strongly about in a platonic way as i have romantically for partners (ie. feel like they’re my moon and stars, think about them all the time, be washed with adoration etc). Many aspects of romantic relationships don’t have anything to do with the romantic attraction at all, you can have whatever relationship you want in the future. You’ve got this! I’m rooting for you!

I have been tremendously touch starved too lately! It sucks!! A weighted blanket helps me (if you don't have one, a pile of heavy blankets does the same thing), hugging a pillow when i fall asleep, and seeking affection in other ways. There's no perfect way to simulate or substitute human touch, but getting love from my friends in digital ways helps tide me over. Rest assured tho, the minute it's safe to hug my friends again I'm never letting them go!

I hear you. It is so painful to be in a cycle of reciving perpetual hurt from someone you love. Especially if they won't get help or try to heal things on their own. Hear me: you deserve better. No matter how much you love your mom, if she's abusing you (no matter what that abuse looks like) you should distance yourself if you can. Going No Contact is a big change, and you don't necessarily need to make that choice. But I do recommend getting out and away from her as fast as you can, while still giving support to your siblings to make sure they know they have a life out of her influence too.

I would also look into reparenting yourself, its a therapy tool to help you handle and accept your childhood when your parents didn't give you what you needed. It's helped me quite a bit, accepting your inner child and loving them where you weren't loved right really helps with the healing. I hope you're safe, hang in there, love.

rant away!! That's an awful position to be in, we are not built to be trapped. I hope you're able to get distance between you, and find the peace and help you deserve. You deserve so much more than this suffering, I'm rooting for you, stay safe!

hey!! I hear you completely and honestly I feel very similarly! I needed to include them just in case you were looking for alternatives and also for anyone else who reads the post.

I am also self conscious of my scars, but once I lived away from my family I found myself much more comfortable showing those areas around friends. I completely understand not wanting family to see. There are certain things that can help heal/reduce noticeabilty: massaging regularly with lotion, vitamins e oil, and some scar fading treatments are on the market.

But none of them change it much. It sucks, but it's easier once you've made peace with their presence, you'll be able to let go of a lot of shame and discomfort. It's not easy to have them visible at first, but eventually you won't even notice. I've found a lot of peace in learning to love my body in other ways. It's uncomfortable to have to hide parts of yourself away, I hope you find yourself in an environment where you can be comfortable wearing what you want soon. I hope you have a good day as well 💛

hey! I understand well, it can be so much easier to live surrounded by escapism than in the present and real. I've found that using the same escapism tactics as rewards for work done can help, I like incentives fo work towards. Discipline will create space for motivation and little by little it won't be so hard to face. It's gonna take work, but I believe in you. Good luck!

vent away! This is such a hard time to be a person. And I hear you, being cooped up with one person no matter how much you love them gets difficult. I hope things get easier and the adjustment becomes smoother 💛

Thank you for coming to me, I've been struggling with self harm for about a decade so you're in good hands.

First of all, make sure you're keeping the area clean, they'll heal much faster if they don't get infected. Wash with warm water and unscented soap if you can. If there are any healing quickening ointments, like Aquapor in the house, use those. Otherwise, a normal unscented lotion or moisturizer will do the trick. Even petroleum jelly can help. The idea is to prevent the skin from drying out, this causes most of the itching (healing will cause an amount of itching too, but that is unavoidable).

Massage the moisturizer gently into the skin, a few times a day if possible for the duration of the healing process. Continuing massaging after they're fully healed can decrease the appearance of scars too. If the areas can be covered with clothes, that will help keep the moisturizer in. Don't worry if it gets on your clothes, it shouldn't harden or anything that will draw attention, even in the laundry. Anything that gets on your clothes will wash out. Light clothes might show moisture, but its best to avoid those anyway in case of bleeding.

I know this helps you to deal with intense feelings, but I need to offer a few methods of harm redirection. I've found that drawing over the areas I want to hurt helps, both scribbling and long form methodical drawings. A quick cold shower can help shake you out of the mindset and redirect you from the negative feelings. In honestly tho, most commonly I just tell myself "if I still feel this way in 15 minutes then I'll do it, except I repeat the waiting period indefinitely until the feeling passes.

It's going to be okay, stay safe, I'm here if you need anything 💛

that sounds DELIGHTFUL! Please send me a link if you post it anywhere!

I'm sorry you're faced with this. I know it feels like the end of the world, but it's not. It's going to hurt and healing will take time, try to focus on why you need to separate as best you can. Don't forget you needed to do this. The routine and life changes are difficult, everyday will hurt for a while, but then one day it won't. You will be grieving, treat yourself as if this is any other loss. You'll miss them, of course, how could you not? You love them. But that doesn't mean you're right for each other or can supply what the other needs. Space and time will heal when you feel as if you never will be. You're making room in your life to love and be loved again. This is a long roundabout way of saying: it's going to be okay. Good luck, I'll be here if you need

vents are always welcome! I am so sorry, that sounds miserable. I've done elimination diets before and no one understands how much they wear on you. I have a chronic illness too and the unasked for advice is so irritating!! If we could fix it, it woulda been fixed already!! I hope you get some relief soon in whatever form it can come. sending you spaghetti thoughts!!!

hey love, I'm sorry you're going through this. There's no surefire way to know. Emotional distance is a good indicator, but it can also be a symptom of things like depression or stress. I know it's hard, but at the end of the day you have to talk to her. Let her know how you're feeling. Good luck 💛

Thank you for sharing!!! I am so glad you have a moment of warmth and love in these uneasy times. The comfort of a good friend (especially an old roommate, that's the next level of closeness) is something we could all use right now. Enjoy the rest your visit!