Please read if you can, Whump-it gets personal.

Please note, there is talk of sexual violence ahead.

At sixteen years of age I first presented at my GP with what I now know was PCOS and endometriosis.

I have undergone 3 diagnostic surgeries and two operative surgeries between then and now.  I was told that the endometriosis in particular would likely return and need to be removed again.

At 37 years old now, I'm on 21 years of pain.

At my most recent appointment I came within a hair's breadth of being placed on the surgical list when the decision was over ruled by the consultant in charge who wanted me to have the Mirena coil placed as another go at solving the problem medically instead of surgically.  Despite it needing surgical intervention before.  And despite the fact that the scarring runs so deep that it's highly unlikely to work well.

Since 2019 I have twice resisted having that IUD (the coil).

https://www.paypal.com/donate?hosted_button_id=F4U9XNTCFSKRJ

And here's where it gets personal and uncomfortable.  Warning for talk of rape up ahead. I've tried to add a cut here but if it doesn't work, please look out for your own triggers and comfort.

From the age of 17 to 19 I was in an abusive and coercive relationship that resulted in two years of pretty much weekly rape.

I've had scans, internal and external.  I go for my smears.  I use tampons.  Heck, I've got two children!  So intimacy within my own body is something I'm used to.  But they've all come with a decent element of personal control and consent.

The idea of having a coil has always repulsed me though.  Something intimately in me which I can't remove.  No personal control.

But eventually, this week after an hour long consultation appointment I decided to have it placed out of fear.  Fear that I needed to prove to them that I would do what they asked.  Fear that if I didn't then they'd deny me the definitive surgical treatment that I need.  I've had it done against my better judgement to fulfill someone else's agenda.  I can no more get this contraption out of myself than I could stop the rapes from happening.

I feel trapped and squicky and gross and once again I didn't stand up for myself.

This year I finally felt ready to seek help for this trauma and abuse but it's not easy.  I'm still on a waiting list with no guarantee when I'll get the counselling because I can't afford to pay privately for it.  This means that all my cluttered up baggage has been unpacked and I have no way of putting it neatly away so that I don't have to keep thinking about it.  But it's time to be seen and time to be heard. I can't live out my life with no one knowing this anymore. There's some people that I'll never be able to tell and I know that. But it's my story and I want it heard in some way or another.

Neither can I afford to pay to see a consultant privately to have this surgery done to finally get me out of pain.

These two worlds have collided and I feel awful and stuck. 

I've decided to ask if anyone would like to donate to me, but please know that there's no pressure whatsoever on anyone to support this.  Any money that I can get will go towards saving to see a private consultant to get me out of pain so that I can at least think straight and lead a normally functioning daily life.  If by some miracle the NHS get me sorted then it'll go towards counselling instead and ideally also towards charities for endometriosis, PCOS, and rape/sexual assault and abuse.  It's important to me that people know where their money is going.

If you feel able to help then please get in touch.  If you just want to talk then please get in touch.  Please be kind.

Lots and lots of love  X

UPDATE!!! UPDATE!!! UPDATE!!!

Ok. My consultant, bless and keep him, just called me at 8pm on a Sunday night to talk about everything.

The surgery is booked for 9th January and I pointed out to him that I'd not had a full quote, only a ballpark figure.

It turns out that it's going to be £4000. Excuse me while I sit here with a glass of wine in silence while I absorb that. I don't know what to say.

I'm not going to be shy about this. "Women's problems" have been in the shadows for too long so the honesty is, along with all the crap I've put up with, I've had two days since July in which I've not been bleeding. So there it is. It's not pretty. It's not glamorous. These "women's problems" rarely are. But it's getting worse and I'm as tired of hiding that and being embarrassed by it as I am tired of hiding and being embarrassed by the rape and sexual assault that were forced upon me.

If you're still able to, please help, share, please.

Xxx

I have no words sufficient to explain my thanks. Last night I was lucky enough to be donated a quarter of the cost of the operation by some wonderful people.

Last night I was lucky enough to see my post shared and reblogged and to see just how many wonderful people are trying to help me out.

You have my eternal thanks. If we can keep this going then that's great, but please know that I already think you're all spectacular people.

Xxx

Hey everyone.

I've figured it out that with what I can afford to put in myself, and with your kind donations, I am down to needing about £2000 now in order to pay off the operation.

I can't believe how much you've all done for me so far. We're in the final stages now. I have 20 days left in which to pay. I'm so so close!

I know that it's a terrible time of year to ask this. Heck, it's a terrible year full stop. With any luck, 2021 can do better than this one, even though it means starting it by being cut open. Today has been a sleep and pain day so far but hopefully this will ease once the treatment is complete.

Thank you for all you've done for me so far. If we can keep this going for only 3 more weeks then that'd be amazing. I only have my words to express my gratitude and they're not even close to being enough. But it's all I can do.

Xxx

If ur feeling sad, look at this cute duck 🧡💚 

(Source)

Turn sound on 🐶😂 

via @thesassyducks​ on instagram

Best friends forever 🐶🦆 

via @thesassyducks instagram​  @ducksmakegreatpets

Behind The Scenes - Colin O’donoghue

(x)

→ Colin O’Donoghue in Dolly Parton Heartstrings trailer (2019)

JJ Sneed

We haven’t talked about this face in some time and I think we ought to.

I’m all for this discussion.

This is a good face

I enjoy this face. A classic for the ages.