“I’m sure,” simpered Villain to the chained Vampire Hero between two bodyguards, “that you’d love to know what happened to the last Hero who went against me.”
“Well, now that you mention it -”
“You’re here to rescue them, aren’t you ? You’ve nicely played the part of the naive newcomer, but I know who you are, vampire. I’m sorry to say that you’ve been betrayed. The other Hero was very cooperative.”
“I’m sure you’ve realized that you can’t hypnotize my guards. They all have charms around their necks.”
“You’re trapped for good.”
“I’m sure you’d love to meet the one who betrayed you.”
“Perfect. You will be in the same prison.”
Without further commentary, the henchmen threw Vampire Hero in a small cell. Another person was already there, curled up in a corner. They were not in a good state. Even the blood stains around them looked unappealing. The smell was bland, characteristic of a lack of nutriments.
“Can you talk ?” asked Vampire Hero after a moment.
“It’s all my fault”, whispered the other.
Vampire Hero scratched his head and looked around, a little embarrassed. His job was dealing with villains. He was good at that. He only had to hold back a little. Dealing with Not-Evil People was another matter altogether. He was making progress – he had pinned to his fridge the Geneva Convention to be sure not to forget it during his job, it seemed like a good starting point – but still, he wasn’t the best person to deal with this situation. He was vaguely aware that threats or mocking wouldn’t do much good, so he awkwardly shrugged, his hands in the pockets of his tattered jeans. The other hero ignored him. Their eyes were glued on the ground, the iris wide.
“I tried. I tried not to crack. But – they broke me. They really, really broke me. And I – if they told you I’ve betrayed you, it’s true. I’ve told them everything they wanted to know.”
“Well yeah. Torture is torture and you only have one body. Seems logical to me.”
“You don’t understand. They know who you are.”
“I’m in a cell, buddy. I understand fine.”
“I’m a failure. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You can – you can do whatever you want to me. I’ll understand.”
Once again, the vampire was at a loss. He knew of a hundred ways to make things worse and one of them was the silent treatment, but he didn’t want to do it. He’d read somewhere that physical contact could help, but Hero was covered with undressed wounds.
So he booped them on the nose.
“Chill. You look like you’ve been scorched alive and you can still lament about your situation. You’re fine. You’ve succeeded the most important thing. Crucial, really.”
“You’re still breathing. Keep doing that. I don’t have to, so I’ll get us out of here. All right ?”
“You’re not angry with me?”
He crouched to examine the bars of the cell:
“And the sooner the better, I don’t want to be late for tonight.”
“What’s happening tonight ?”
Vampire Hero grinned from pointed teeth to pointed teeth, grabbing a bar that broke under the pressure of his fingers:
“ I am a creature of decadence and debauch. Every night, I have a meeting with a pure maiden, a cunning damsel, a fierce lady and a cruel temptress in my room.”
“All of them ? You must have a big bed.”
“All of them what ? I’m talking about my wife. I love my wife.”
Hero stopped themself, horrified by the words that just had come out from their mouth. You do not insult your colleague's spouse – especially if said colleague is currently ripping off metal bars from your own cell and is known for his dubious ethics. That is rude and unwise. The vampire stopped himself and glanced at them.
“I’m so sorry”, they squeaked. “I’ve been tortured and I’m confused and -”
“No offense taken, mate. She was evil all right, and so was I. We were both a little cringe during our first centuries, like the youth say these days. To be fair, she was really sexy.”
“And now she’s really sexy while dozing off while we watch TV. She’s really sexy when she drinks blood from a plastic bag. She’s really sexy all the time, really. Everything she does is delightful.”
He neglectfully threw a bar behind his back.
“Couldn’t you just destroy the lock ?” shyly asked Hero.
“No, I like doing it that way. It’s like bubble wrap.”
Vampire Hero joyfully kicked another bar that creaked and bent under his knee.
“You know what,” he said, “She’s feeling a little down because she can’t rip off heads as much as before. You should hear her complaining ! “I barely have strength to decapitate a human in a single stroke anymore !” and such. But what do I care ? She’d stay amazing even if she was too weak to pull the guts out of someone, but I keep telling her that and she still doesn’t believe it.”
“That’s really nice” assured Hero, whose smile was very strained. “I’m glad for you.”
The vampire stopped again – although maybe it was because half the bars had been taken off.
“What ? Have I said something wrong ? I’m sorry ! I didn’t -”
“No, it’s just – I don’t think a human has ever said that to me. I was... surprised.”
“Time to go. Thanks for the new experience, I guess.”
This time, Hero’s smile was a lot more genuine. They took the offered arm and painfully stood up:
Vampire Hero is now a recurring character. His job is to troll current villains. Check his tag for more snippets with him.
You can meet his wife here.
