Trigger Warning 〜 Jonghyun
It’s been 4 days. A lot of thinking has happened in these 4 days. Thinking about everything really. Is it weird that I feel like I’ve grown so much as a person in these few days? I don’t know. I feel like a changed person. A more emotional, but better person. I wanted to come on here to tell you about how I’ve been feeling. I’ve really been contemplating on how I can kinda explain my emotions at the moment. I don’t think words are enough to explain how I’m feeling/have been feeling though... oh well 〜〜
My heart feels heavy and there’s just this weird and uncomfortable feeling in my stomach when I think about him. It’s like having butterflies in your stomach, but instead they’re butterflies of nervousness. Just the thought that I’ll never be able to hear new music by him or that I’ll never be able to see his new projects really hurts you know? Someone you’ve looked up to and loved so much is just suddenly gone. He was more than just my ultimate bias (If you didn’t know, yes he was my ultimate bias.) He was an inspiration, someone I looked up too. Kind of like a role model. His creativity and bravery to talk about his pain, his struggles and topics like sex and love inspired me so much. He inspired me to keep fighting for what I believe in, to take more care of myself and that it’s okay to have bad days. They’re part of life! He motivated me to keep practicing to achieve my goals and to become a better person. Follow your dreams! Do what you want! He gave off that type of reassurance. 〜〜
Jonghyun was always a person that, even if you didn’t follow up with him or Shinee you always knew who he was. He was always THAT idol. A very respected idol and songwriter, a beautiful person in and out, one that everyone talked about. And that’s how it was for me when I first started getting into Kpop in 2015. Immediately, I knew about him and Shinee. When he released: ‘She is’ that’s when I really fell for him him. 〜〜
The way he would express his emotions and thoughts in a way that was so poetic and beautiful yet so raw made me love him so much more. He wasn’t scared to express his feelings. He wasn’t scared to talk about topics that were considered taboo. That’s what made him so special. He struggled. He struggled so so much and didn’t hide it. He talked about his depression and feelings. 〜〜
Today was the start of the winter vacation and I got a PlayStation and I wasn’t as happy as I wished I could have been. A part of me was filled with sadness at the same time. It’s always kind of like a bittersweet feeling and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Jonghyun is not struggling anymore and my life is going to go on as usual and then years will pass by of him being gone and me growing up into a young adult. I don’t know why I’m tearing up now all of a sudden... I don’t know why this has affected me so much. 〜〜
I’m sad. I’m so sad, but I’m happy as well. He’s finally free and happy. He’s a free soul floating somewhere. It’s always this bittersweet feeling that I hate. Sadness and happiness. I hate it so much. I hate it. 〜〜
Anyways, that’s it for now. Let’s surround ourselves with love and positivity as much as possible okay? Let’s all do amazing things and become amazing people! It’s difficult, I may not understand what you’re going through. You will have days where you won’t feel your best and mentally you’ll be down. That’s okay!! Take time to get better! Give yourself time. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s okay. If you’re having suicidal thoughts or you’re dealing with any mental illness please please please reach out to someone whether it’s a friend, a family member, a fan page on tumblr, me,...! You can always message me! I will never judge any one of you and I’ll try to become a best friend or become like a big sister figure for any of you!! Please care more for your physical and mental health from now on.I will too! It’s okay to make mistakes! It’s okay to have negative thoughts sometimes! Don’t feel bad about it. Work on yourselves slowly! Let’s be happy!〜〜
I love you Kim Jonghyun. My love for you will never fade.〜〜
Let’s be happy from now on okay?
Admin S〜〜 🌱🌙
