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To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

@itsrainingsomewhereelse / itsrainingsomewhereelse.tumblr.com

PC | they/them | queer ✨ lives under a rock 💫 about | tags | archive
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aro-archers

sharing this aroace flag cause i kinda prefer it over the sunset one. don't get me wrong i love them both but i feel like this one is nice as well lol

it doesn't have too many stripes like the aro and ace flags connected and it looks enough like the separate flags so non-aspec people can figure out what it's about you know?

I'm glad you like it! :D Person who made the flag here, just wanted to share a link to the original post if someone needs it since I know it can be hard to find sometimes (the internet is like a maze sometimes haha).

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assiraphales

I am in love w the way pre 2000s films have that hazy feel to them. hd honestly kills the vibe

I think that’s one of the reasons why “period” media that’s marketed off the Aesthetic sometimes bothers me.......like they get the music, the clothing, the cars......and yet it always feels like something is missing

like,

vs

or even compare the early x files to the reboot

something is just lost with the crispness

someone in the tags said early spn vs new supernatural and tbh 100% yes !!

vs

I never realized how much I missed the grainy undersaturated filing ...... “good lighting” and sharpness strike again

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aphony-cree

Seasons 1-3 were shot on 35mm film

4-15 were all shot on digital cameras, a change that the network insisted on

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thedustycrow

Yeah the exact thing that changed is that all the old stuff was recorded on film and all the new stuff was recorded on digital media.

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jmtorres

i was going to say the film thing and the someone brought up supernatural and i was like "nah" and then @aphony-cree out here dropping that bomb.... in *2005,* to *2008?* there was a show shooting on film???? god you guys MOST shows went though this transition in the 90s how the fuck was SPN on FILM

In the 2000s dramatic shows had a good shot of convincing networks to let them use film. The network still had film cameras they’d bought and maybe hadn’t gotten enough use out of before the switch to digital. Most dramas can’t be shot entirely in the studio, they need to go on location, so it made sense to let them use the older cameras while the new expensive digital cameras stayed in the studio where they were safer

Supernatural wanted the 35mm film aesthetic and hated when they were forced to switch to digital

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satancheeto

They just recently released a 4K version of Lord of the Rings and they’re so Crisp. None of those soft fantasy vibes

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moki-dokie

one of my least favorite things about these 4k updates to films (especially ones that used actual film) is that they also go and try to do color correction. like there’s a REASON that some scenes are heavily blue saturated. that wasn’t purely an effect of using film, but also a choice during the editing process. color is just as important to a movie as anything else.

it’s the exact reason why the matrix was shot with blue heavily filtered out to give that greenish-gray appearance, which added to the feel for a grungey dystopian machine-ruled future. The 4k version of it still has that there for the most part, but you can tell they did some color correction too and it throws off the entire vibe.

not to mention 4k updates of older movies REALLY makes the CGI stand out in a bad way and often times reveals imperfections in makeup that they knew, at the time, wouldn’t be noticed once everything was edited and it hit the big screens.

There's something a theatrical costumer told me about, the 10 foot rule. As long as the costume can pass muster from 10 feet away, it's good enough. Too sharp attention ruins the illusion.

That 4K LOTR remaster is especially bad because of heavy Digital Noise Reduction (DNR) applied to 'smooth over' film grain and make them look 'clean and sharp'....except they fucked that up royally and the algorithm destroys any detail AND makes mistakes, including random parts from previous frames. It's objectively awful. Stick with your old DVD/BluRay please. More here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3Z58uiwcME

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Tips for Staying Healthy When You Have Sensory Issues and Executive Dysfunction

Think about the foods that are causing you sensory issues. Can you eat some of them in a different form? For example:

  • I can’t eat cooked vegetables, but I can eat them raw, or I can eat them in soup.
  • I don’t like meat but I do like chicken when fried (which isn’t exactly healthy, but still).

If you can’t, you may be able to find alternatives. Use google to find out what you’re missing in your diet and what other foods fall into that category.  If you know the ingredients, you can then look up different recipes for them (or eat them raw, depending on what it is).

Do you need protein? Usually people think of red meat (cow, pig), but there’s much more than that! These also have protein (and are better for you):

  • fish
  • poultry (chicken, turkey)
  • dairy products (milk, cheese, yogurt)
  • beans and peas
  • nuts and seeds
  • tofu and soy products

If you have a hard time eating fish, you can try making it taste better by buying fresh, disguising the taste with a sauce, or mixing it with mayo and adding it to a sandwich.

Do you need calcium? You can get it from more than just dairy. There’s also calcium in:

  • leafy green vegetables
  • seafood
  • white beans
  • almonds and sesame seeds
  • instant oatmeal and cheerios
  • oranges and orange juice

Do you need whole grains? Usually people think of the brown bread with bumpy stuff in it, but you can also get whole grain rice, pasta, oatmeal, cereal, and even popcorn. 

Water is very important, so make sure you get in the habit of drinking lots of it. Limit the amount of soda and candy you eat. Pay attention to your portions; if you’re not sure, check the “serving size” on the package (at the top of the Nutrition Facts). Eat slowly and only until you’re full, not until your stomach hurts. Here’s a guide for how to tell whether or not you’re hungry.

If washing fruits and vegetables is an executive dysfunction roadblock, try simplifying it by tossing them all into a bowl to soak for a couple minutes (cold water only! do not use soap), then dumping them into a strainer.

There are blogs and forums that are meant to archive easy and/or healthy recipes. All you have to do is google keywords like “low spoons food” or “easy/fast and healthy recipes”. Here are some:

Feel free to add onto this list (in fact, please do).

-Mod Har

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fidgeteen

College Executive Functioning Tips

Fair warning: this post is not really about doing homework, rather ideas for successfully acquiring/accessing more general living and organizational skills while dorming. Also, my first semester has been a shitshow so idk how qualified I am to give advice on the matter, but take it as you will. In a way it’s “things I learned the hard way”/a reflection on my first semester.

That being said, here we go:

1. To remember to bring the correct notebooks and materials, get a hanging clothes organizer and label for the 5/7 days of the week. Place the books/materials needed for each day on each labeled shelf. If you need certain books on multiple days, you can put index card placeholders or label what should be in each compartment.

2. Alternatively, you can get a mini days of the week dry erase board or a computer printout and write what materials you need on which days and which classes you go to (in order.)

3. This tip also works for homework: in college, the workload is much more predictable week to week, so if you always have online math due Monday, put it in another weekly table and schedule days to work on it in advance.

4. Schedule your asssignments to be done ahead of time. It’s a lot harder to get deadline-related accommodations in college and if you’re like me you feel uncomfortable asking for them. I’ve only needed to ask for one non accommodation included extension this semester, and it’s largely due to this.

5. Get. Your. Accommodations. In. Order. Before. The. School. Year. Starts. (if at all possible)

Learn from my mistakes. To be fair I didn’t have another option because my school requires everything to be done in person but it took me a month to get my letters which resulted in some awkward/discriminatory situations. Oops.

6. College accommodation processes are different than high school. There are no 504s/IEPs/under the table stealth accommodations here. Some colleges require retesting for your documentation. All require you to fill out a bunch of forms. You are largely responsible for knowing what helps you (though your liaison will likely make suggestions) so make a list of what worked for you in high school and will fly in college and request those (bring it with you to the meeting if you will forget). Also, your parents are generally forbidden from getting involved unless you sign a consent form, which is a huge change. You will need/be forced to develop self-advocacy skills. I definitely did. You also generally need to request to renew your accommodations every semester, and it’s your responsibility to remember. Set a reminder on your phone/digital calendar.

7. Post its are your friend. For me, they’ve been a valuable asset to my sucky working memory and using them minimizes resulting anxiety.

8. Laundry is hard, especially when you have physical disabilities. Double check your pockets or you might accidentally send your favorite pen through the wash and induce a meltdown. (To be fair I do check- which is why I said double check)

9. Choose specific dates/times to do your laundry, and set reminders. If you alternate lights and darks and do it, say, every Wednesday morning (pick an off time- Friday nights are great) you are a lot less likely to end up with a month’s worth of laundry and nothing to wear when you really need to look nice. Also, your suitcase can double as a rolling laundry basket.

10. Try to eat around the same times every day. Set alarms if you forget. Try to go on the off hours and eat as healthily as possible.

11. Clean your room before it gets too messy. This should go without saying but my drawers got junky by the end of the semester. Try scheduling a day of the week to do a quick clean up.

12. Your space can be a reflection of your mental state. I need things visually organized, but when I’m not doing well mentally I stop cleaning off my desk, putting my clothes in the laundry basket, making an attempt to make my bed, you name it. I’ve learned to recognize that this is a sign of stress and that tidying up a bit will make me feel a bit better.

13. College is not conducive to sleep, especially for work heavy majors. You. Need. (around) 8. (ish) Hours. Get them. It’s hard but everything else will fall apart if you don’t.

14. Make “ routine cards” for things like showering. Write down everything you need to take a shower on an index card and your steps for taking a shower (you can set a timer) so that you don’t take half an hour to get out your shampoo.

15. Drink water. Carry a water bottle so you have the visual reminder. Drink a glass at every meal. Schedule “teatime” and make an event of staying hydrated.

16. Allow yourself to relax. This is hard because the college environment demands you be “on” at all times, and this resulted in me feeling guilty for not studying when I was, well, not studying. I’m trying to work on scheduling times to work and times to not work, and to remember that I need to do fun things to take care of myself.

17. If you dress nicer than usual, you will apparently not look as depressed (assuming you have depression in the first place…). Use this to your advantage.

18. If you have un/undertreated/situational depression, get help before it gets really bad. I know a lot of college mental health offices push people away but put your self advocacy skills to use and get that counseling or whatever.

19. In the same vein, if you are struggling in a class (for whatever reason) don’t be ashamed to get extra help/sign up for tutoring. Especially if you’re like me and never needed to study a day in your life before this because the courses are structured differently.

20. Recognize your accomplishments. College can be really, really hard for people with impaired executive functioning, mental illnesses, developmental disabilities, etc. The change is hard and the learning curve is steep. But you’ve made it this far- so congrats! Celebrate!

If you liked this, please consider following my blog for more related content if you are not already. I post advice and sensory product reviews/suggestions.

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just some con questions - what kind of inventory do you have at cons? as in, how much of each item do you usually have with you in stock at cons? I imagine it varies from item to item because some have been in your con repertoire for a while and you've seen which ones are popular, but in general, how many copies of a single print, or how many copies of a single charm do you bring to sell? how many usually end up selling?

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Okay so this question made me so excited I had to go take photos.

This is how I handle stock involving keychains. As you can probably tell from the boxes, the characters that have a spot all their own are bigger sellers. Everything is also heavily overstocked, primarily for my bigger shows. At bigger shows, I’ll sell out of a lot.When something is really popular, for example, shortly after Dangan Ronpa V3 came out, I could sell 15+ Kokichi keychains at a show. Especially anime cons, as you’d probably guess.

Also, this is not all my boxes with all my charms. I now have over 120 charm designs! If you can believe it.

There is also this idea that you will make 80% of your money, from 20% of your stock. For example, I don’t sell much of my Stardew Valley designs, but I sell a lot of Dangan Ronpa, or My Hero Academia. However, for the people who are desperately looking for that rare item, they will buy it. If I dropped all my stock involving less popular things, I’d actually make way less money. But when people walk by your table and see so many keychains, they tend to come over and see what you have.

Some charms, I only bring 1 or 2, others, I bring 15-20. I try to bring enough to not sell out of things, but like I said, my huge shows? No matter how I stock, things sell out. It’s a madhouse.

Because of the success of my keychains, I tend to sell way less posters then I do before (Because everyone’s focus is keychains) so usually the most I’ll sell of a poster is like, ten? Of a single design, at a good con. But posters are still very fun, so I do them.

It’s actually gotten to a point where I have so much stock, and most of it I can’t cut down on, that my luggage is so packed, it’s hard to fly to cons. But some of my cons have to be flown to, so. Shrug!I’ve been wanting to get into metal pins, but I’m even unsure how I’ll carry those. I just have so much fun with this stuff I don’t want to get rid of anything.

I will tell you this though. At a good convention, I can sell over 200 charms, and 100 posters. And trust me, that adds up.

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I love when you get questions about more business things like how you have stock during cons. It's just so impressive to hear about how everything works.

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:D!! Honestly?? I love it too!There is a LOT of background stuff that goes on, when you make conventions and art into a full time business. Most of the things I’ve learned sorta took about 3 years to actually settle into something reasonable.

A couple extra things you might find interesting:

-I have a google drive spreadsheet including all my charms. Whenever a certain charm gets under about 8 left in stock, that section of the spreadsheet lights up to let me know I need to restock. I have similar spreadsheets for my pencil bags, stickers, and my newer posters.

-I won’t show anything too personal involving stuff, but I will show you a print out spreadsheet I use at the cons themselves. This was from a very small local 18+ con in Denver. When something sells, I check it off this sheet. After the convention is done, I go into my digital spreadsheet and add them up, so I’m always on top of how much I have.

(Don’t let the sales of Eeveelutions fool you, those were clearance misprint designs so they were way cheaper than everything else here)

-As you can probably guess by now, my keychains are my biggest focus, and with over 120 designs, they’re the hardest to keep track of. I also have over 4000 keychains in my bedroom as I’m typing right now. Save me.

Anyway, this is how I have them organized in my closet:

This is how I have things set up. All my pencil bags, keychains, and a few of my books are stocked in here.

All the little white tabs on top, are taped on. They are whiteboard paper, and everything is written in sharpie. Good news, if you ever want to get sharpie off of something, you just use whiteboard marker on top of it, then wipe! So I can change these as needed.

The boxes by the way, are all little photoboxes you can get at Micheals or Hobby Lobby. Currently, I own probably about 200 of these boxes.

-On that same spreadsheet program, I have tabs that list all the conventions I’m currently applying to (I have attempted to apply to 60+ shows around the united states, Alaska and Hawaii) and how i have to apply. Some shows require you to follow them on twitter to see when its announced, it’s the only reason I have twitter on my phone at all, and the kinder shows just send out emails. Some do neither, for…. some reason I can’t explain- and you just have to check their website. Those shows? Psh, I ain’t got time for that.

When you have 200+ designs, across keychains, pencil bags, posters, stickers, ect ect, and you have to keep track of them all? This is how you do it. At least, this is how I do it. Saves me a LOT of headache, and gives me free time I need for when I’m stressin.

The only way to do this as full time work, is to be excessively organized. Also, you have to seriously plan ahead. For example, I make virtually zero money in the months of November, December, February, and July.  I do make some money on patreon of course! But patreon has become a secondary income, and I try to pretend it ‘doesnt exist’ when I’m setting up my finances. Back when patreon was my primary income, I actually used to have panic attacks at the beginning of each month, because I never knew how much I’d have that month to live off of. Running my own business like this, takes all that stress away, because I have more control over my monthly income. So at a really good show, I’ll take a good chunk of cash, and set it aside for the tough months, so I can essentially survive the winter. I’m constantly thinking months ahead with my planning, so when those months hit, I won’t have any major panics. Those months are still really tough, but they aren’t disastrous.

I laugh at anyone who thinks people who do this sorta thing full time don’t actually work. Because obviously, this all ignores all the art I draw, keeping updates on Gloomverse going, ect ect.

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pnfpn

“I have all these OCs! But no story…”

bruh

make a fighting game

But what if half your ocs are softys and not made for fighting?

dating sim

this post changed the game

Hey btw if you don’t know how to program, you should check out [novelty], which is a free Visual Novel creation software. Absolutely no programming required, and it’s super easy to use, I played with it some when I was a teen but the only reason I didn’t do much with it is cuz I made my story complicated and had like 5000 different branching routes that kept spawning new routes and made myself confused LMAO

But yeah, it’s a WYSIWYG with a really straight-forward GUI, if I remember correctly.

It even comes with some free backgrounds and characters and stuff, and this is what it looks like:

Did I mention it’s super duper free? It hasn’t been updated since 2010, but it has basically all you’d need to make a simple visual novel.

Just make sure your DirectX runtime is updated, cuz it can act buggy if it’s outdated, but this program is so old that I doubt it’d even be an issue lol

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pixel-cat-1

holy shit

This is so cool? Can you imagine fanfic in this format?

@becausedragonage @ashidoodle can I recommend Choice Script? It’s like a choose your own adventure coding program. The finished product looks like this, where every option sends you down a different path:

They are literally books you can play. You can even insert your own character’s name and pronouns and that would make writing reader inserts so much easier And as a writer who can not art, writing and making dating sims and games is more convenient.

The coding is also super simple and easy to learn and all it requires other than the program files is a text editor. And just like that you can start typing up like you would your own fanfics or stories. Plus it’s very versatile so you can make your game/book as simple or as complicated as you want, and even implement stats and inventory systems.

AND CHOICE SCRIPT IS ALSO SUPER DUPER FREE. THE COMPANY EVEN PUBLISHES YOUR FINISHED GAME FOR YOU AND GIVES YOU ROYALTIES IF YOU CHOOSE TO SELL IT. THE PROGRAM STILL GETS UPDATED AND  THE COMPANY PUBLISHES BOOKS EVERY MONTH INCLUDING THE FANMADE ONES. THERE’S ALSO A FORUM FOR PEOPLE TO POST WIPS AND TALK ABOUT CHOICE SCRIPT AND GET HELP.

And there’s Ren'py, also for visual novels!

Holy shit

Ooooof I’m gonna use thessee

For any burgeoning digital storytellers/narrative game devs out there! :)

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ao3skin

Also good ol’ Twine is incredibly easy to learn for text games with multiple choices! You don’t even need to deal with images if you don’t want to and it works in the browser (there’s also a downloadable version) and it generates html files that you can play in your browser.

Anyway if you want excuses/community for making visual novels NaNoRenO is about to start (March2022 for those reading this message in the future.) on itch.io (like nanowrimo, but about visual novels!)

@tieflingteeth something interesting?

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“why does this character who has done terrible things deserve a happy ending, how can you be okay with that, why do they deserve anything nice”

well see it’s because the entire concept of what people “deserve” is a messy ethical quagmire that has really troubling implications no matter how you use it

but also it’s because i like fictional miserable little assholes and i do what i want

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Who Heals Frisk?

There’s something inexplicable that happens in Undertale that as of yet has no explanation. Who exactly IS healing Frisk? In the beginning of the game, we are pinned down by Flowey. Attacked. And then, we are suddenly healed to full. And Flowey?

Is utterly speechless. His mouth is wide open and he’s staring, as if to say ‘what did you DO?!’ 

Now, it’s easy to assume that this is Toriel’s doing. After all, we see that she is capable of healing us later on, and blows Flowey away immediately after. But look at where he’s staring … At US. He sees Toriel later, and he looks to the right. So, if Toriel is to the right, and he’s looking at US when we suddenly jump to full health … (Forgive me for not getting that moment in screenshot; his sprite only changes for a fraction of a second and I can’t quite capture it. But, pay attention on your own runs and you will see it.)

Not only that  there’s a sound effect that plays when we are healed/Flowey’s missiles disappear that doesn’t play when Toriel heals us … But DOES play again. It plays a LOT. It plays every time we interact with a SAVE point.

And here also we are healed completely.

 It plays one more time. During Frisk’s hour of dire need, when they scream out into into the darkness and call for help …

And this time as well, the same sound effect plays, we get healed and Flowey has NO IDEA what just happened. He’s just as confused now as he was then. 

So. Let me ask you a question. What healed Frisk? Who could have answered? 

Who was with us at every SAVE point? At the beginning of the game, when we fight Flowey, who was there? Who was the last person who had yet to give Frisk their aid in the battle against Omega Flowey? 

Who heals Frisk?

I think all these questions have the same answer: Chara.

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unrestedjade

so I wanted to say this in *checks* mid-August 2021, but uh, time is fake. basically, I'd been following you from the undertale days and then you started posting about ds9 stuff at the same time I got to watching the show, and it has been such a wonderfully curated selection of the funniest posts and best art, I really want to thank you for that. (and I've still got some fic from you in my email inbox to get to!! very excited but, again, time is fake) so yeh, thanks for a wonderful time <33

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Time IS fake (I have no idea how long this has been sitting in my inbox, I'm so sorry haha).

We're DS9 nerd buddies, how fun! I hope I don't bother people too much with all the reblogging I do on here. I used to save reblogs for my main, but since this account has 10x as many followers, I figure I can do the OPs more good by showcasing their work here, instead.

And, yes, I have hours and hours and hours of fic I need to read, too. So much to read, so little free time, right?

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Glad to see you're okay. I just found your Undertale comic over on Deviantart. Great work.

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:) Thanks! I'm doing as well as I can be, though quite busy, and while the comic isn't abandoned, it is on a long hiatus until life gives me time to work on it again. Thanks for checking in, friend, hope you're doing well, yourself~

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Today's Adventure is that I, after an unintentional 13-hour power nap,

  • Got woken up at 6AM by a phone call from a friend stranded in Montana because of the heat wave and almost no cell service because of their crap provider.
  • OhSoThat'sHowIt'sGonnaBe.jpg
  • Ok.
  • I somehow summon a week's worth of spoons and in less than 30 minutes and 5 phone calls, get them
  • A hotel
  • An appointment with a mechanic from 2 states away
  • A perscription refilled from 2 states away
  • and A Pizza
  • Go me.
  • But then it's 8AM and there are unscheduled live humans at the door and while EVERGENCY MODE is still on, I have already blown through a ton of spoons, and also probably shouldn't meet whoever it is wearing just a pair of bootyshorts that say "CRYPTID" in Gothic Font on my ass.
  • So I greet them in those shorts and a T-shirt that I manage to put on both inside out and backwards
  • #nailedit
  • It is, Fortunately, not the mormons.
  • it is, Unfortunately, two UPS guys trying to deliver my other in-house friend's new phone except the new guy doesn't know how to operate the "sign for package" device, and the old guy that's supposed to be mentoring him is like, 92, deaf as a post, and doesn't actually know how to operate the device either.
  • by the way
  • it is already
  • over 100 out
  • it takes almost 30 minutes to sign for the phone
  • when i get back inside, i discover that apparently the Corgi has learned how to open his kennel from the inside because he is now out of the kennel and waiting for me to come in.
  • he also has cat litter all over his face because while he was waiting for me he also learned how to open the baby gate to the cat's room and help himself to a cat shit breakfast.
  • He'll be fine
  • He's a cattle dog, they're legally required to have at least 1 really disgusting snack they love.
  • but
  • more to the point
  • i have no idea at what point he learned to open his kennel from the inside
  • has he been staying there out of politeness this whole time??
  • And
  • I got other shit to do today.
  • namely.
  • I'm seeing a realator
  • The Devils most pathetic yet effective demons
  • I get a reminder text that I have an appointment with her
  • at least
  • I think that's what it is because what she sends me is: "🏡⏰12:00 ❔"
  • With the time typed in the middle like that.
  • She is, according to her profile, at least 80.
  • so I reply "😎👍"
  • and then she sends me a string of GODDAMN POST-MODERN EMOJI HEIROGLYPHICS THAT TAKE UP MY ENTIRE SCREEN.
  • She's on an iPhone so half of them don't even translate across platforms
  • It takes me half an hour and three different software programs and goddamn wingdings to translate, but she has sent me the address and rules about masking and not wearing shoes inside.
  • in emoji
  • instead of like
  • literally any other format
  • I am
  • FASCINATED
  • and simply must meet the woman so if I don't come back to update I got stolen by the fairies but I'm taking the Corgi with me as protection so I'll see y'all later.

Update:

  • It's not fairies
  • It's Doris.
  • might be about to get a sewing machine and/or start an ACAB riot.

Ok, so:

  • I'm going to see a prospective house because due to various circumstances, I'm probably going to be moving to the other side of a major metropolitan area in the next few months, but that's not important.
  • I get to the house
  • I get a text from the realtor
  • The realtor is not the person who has been texting me in emoji
  • The person texting me in emoji is the homeowner, who the realtor says will let me in if I want, she's running late.
  • Sure
  • Why not
  • I put Herschel on leash and go to the front door
  • As much crime as he commits at home Herschel The Hanukkah Goblin has terrific public manners, and is Very Cute so I'm about 90% sure the emoji fairy is going to let me take him through the house
  • Door opens.
  • 90-something blue haired old lady with a spine like a question mark and glasses that could be used as telescope lenses opens the door.
  • "OH [Gallus]! How lovely to see you!"
  • This woman clearly knows me because she remembers my anniversary was last week and that my sister is back from Australia.
  • Problem is
  • I know about 500 geriatric ladies with blue hair, scoliosis and extreme prescription glasses, because I am a member of 2 quilt guilds, the scientific illustration guild, the rocky mountain SCA and stagehand for three different theater companies, so I know everyone's grandma and fuck me if I can tell them apart.
  • Wait
  • There's a quilt in thekitchen, visible front hall
  • I don't know faces but apparently I can recognize applique techniques at 40paces.
  • "...Doris? From SAQA?"
  • "YES! Who is this handsome little man?"
  • Herschel speaks enough English to know that "handsome little man" means "this person will feed me milk bones and bacon if I'm cute enough"
  • Immediately does a Sit Pretty and Shake.
  • Doris is bewitched
  • This is fine, but I also know I'm about to severely disappoint the realtor because there is no way in hell I'm moving into this House.
  • Because
  • The reason Doris is moving out is that her neighbor is a Cunt Magnifique and has been harassing Doris and everyone else to form an HOA and "improve the quality of our residents" because this woman has nothing better to do than be a racist-ass busy body, and recently, she's set her husband, a county sheriff on Doris, trying to bully her into signing paperwork and threatening her with legal action and writing her up for bullshit property violations
  • Ain't putting up with that shit
  • And neither is Doris, so she's selling all her shit and moving out to live with her grandchildren in Santa Monica.
  • But she's technologically impaired, so the only indication that there is an estate sale happening is a small paper sign in her front yard.
  • "Doris." I say, as Herschel makes himself comfortable on the couch for belly rubs and pieces of ham. "Did you tell SAQA or FRCC or anyone on Facebook that you're having the sale?"
  • "oh, I don't know how to do all that!" She sighs. "I tried to call the Denver post but they just put me on hold for ages..."
  • "Watch Herschel for 20 minutes and he's only allowed to have that one piece of ham."
  • Pics of everything
  • Address, time and pics to Facebook, both quilt guilds she's in, two more I have contacts for, nextdoor, and the local SCA discord for good measure.
  • It's 12 minutes and Herschel persuaded her to give him at least three pieces of ham.
  • He is petitioning for a fourth by doing a little puppy dance on the living room rug.
  • "OK, that's enough ham, people will be here in 10. Where is your cash box?"
  • Because apparently I'm running an estate sale today too.
  • It's fine :)
  • There's about 7 minutes of quiet.
  • Then
  • They DESCEND
  • The first on the scene is DeeDee, who doesn't believe in speed limits. She's arrived with a horse trailer. I remember that she is also moving.
  • "HI DORIS SWEETHEART WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS TODAY I WAS GOING TO TAKE ALL THIS TO THE GOODWILL HERE LET ME SET UP ON YOUR LAWN "
  • DeeDee is 73, and has a special spiritual bond with Hello Kitty. She weighs like 98lbs, dresses exclusively in neon pink sanrio clothes and the kind of eye makeup drag queens aspire to.
  • She also speaks non-stop at a volume normally associated with jet engines.
  • Half the horse trailer is already spread out on the lawn.
  • Doris is putting price stickers on stuff
  • Herschel is trying to tear open a bag of cotton batting.
  • This, and the arrival of approximately 56 minivans, five more trucks with horse trailers and Corgi Excitement Screaming alert Cunt Magnifique that something is happening outside.
  • Madame saunters off her porch up to Doris and Demands to know what's happening, you're supposed to notify the neighborhood and get a permit to-"
  • Doris, surrounded by her pack of silver wolves, shouts. "OH HELLO! EVERYONE, THIS IS MARCIA. I'VE TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT MARCIA." >:)c

... further details in a bit I think the Vikings are here.

~`* SOMEONE'S GETTING FIRED!!*`~

OK so.

  • You know those high school house parties you see in movies, where the person invites only a few friends, but those friends call their friends, and those friends call THEIR friends and soon like 500 people show up to one house and someone calls the cops and that one John Mulaney sketch with "SCATTER!" happens?
  • Old people will 100% do this too, except instead of a house party it's an estate sale on a wednesday afternoon and when the cop shows up there are lawyers present and he is in DEEP SHIT because his wife just spent the afternoon admitting to doing a bunch of wildly illegal shit on tape.
  • So when we left off, the party had really started getting underway, because Marcia the Cunt Magnifique had decided to crash the estate sale and whine about "we're supposed to coordinate garage sales as a neighborhood" and "your friends are blocking traffic on this cul-de-sac while nobody is home" weh weh-
  • DeeDee is about ready to throw hands but she is nowhere near the most dangerous of the Silver Silver Wolves.
  • That's Dr. Ruth.
  • Dr. Ruth turned 99 this year and went paragliding for her birthday
  • So you understand just how hard she goes
  • Dr. Ruth sort of hobbles over and point-blank asks "So I understand you've been trying to start a homeowner's association?" :3c
  • Marcia
  • Entirely misunderstanding how much danger she's in
  • Starts enumerating the TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS of trying to start one, because SOME PEOPLE DON'T RESPECT AUTHORITY and all the paperwork and talking to people and she even had to ask HER HUSBAND. A SHERRIF. To go around and hand people stuff to sign.
  • Some people, right?
  • Dr. Ruth nods. Some people. She agrees.
  • You know.
  • Her son is a lawyer.
  • Why doesn't she give him a call?
  • Marcia, a Moron: Oh that'd be great!
  • Dr. Ruth, hobbling back to Doris: "Don't worry. David will handle this."
  • Meanwhile
  • The Friends-Of-Friends and the Friends-Of-Friends-Of-Friends are arriving, lured in because they heard the words "Longarm Sewing Machine" and "Hand-made quilts"
  • Various factions present include but are far from limited to: -Probably Six Quilt Guilds -The Denver Art League -The Denver Leather League -The Vikings -The Klingons -The Colorado Wild Game Share -A Pack of Scientific Illustrators -A Pack of Assorted Scientists they brought with them -The Sheep Lesbians -The Horse Lesbians -Three Extremely Competent Finnish People (My Scientific Illustration Professor and her sisters) who immediately take over the estate sale and turn it into an auction to maximize profit and keep the taxes in order.
  • Someone brings two additional Corgi called "Cap" and "Bucky"
  • They are Pembroke Corgi, and weigh about 21lbs apiece
  • Herschel is a Cardigan Welsh Corgi and weighs 42lbs because he's hug even for a Cardigan, and is Delighted with his New Minions.
  • They worship him as a God and follow him around so every time he sticks his face in something two smaller corgi faces immediately follow, like some kind of adorable cerberus.
  • Pelts and meat shares are being traded out of the backs of trucks and vans
  • Someone is making bratwurst.
  • Intrigued by the Brouhaha, Doris' neighbors emerge.
  • They are also Geriatric and very nervous, because Marcia has been harassing them too.
  • They are telling this to the members of these factions that are also lawyers.
  • There are at least 5 of them so far and David isn't even here yet.
  • I realize my realtor isn't even here.
  • I decide to text her.
  • She is somewhere in the crowd and having a nervous breakdown because She's SO LATE!!!
  • Ma'am.
  • It's 103 out.
  • I was just handed a freshly grilled Brat
  • Some bitch is incriminating herself on the lawn.
  • Nothing scheduled is happening.
  • Come sit in the yard and watch the Corgis play on the Palyskool plastic slide set. They're disassembling it like tiny furry engineers.
  • Have a bratwurst.
  • One of the Klingons appears, having physically carried my realtor through the crowd, and gently deposits her on the lawn before handing her a Bratwurst.
  • Diane, the Realtor, is not much older than I am, and from the preppie swaths of society that has "Never had a dog growing up" and "Didn't Know People Could Just. Make. Blankets?" and "What is this? It's like a hot dog but spicy?"
  • She is having a LEARNING EXPERIENCE.
  • One of the Horse Lesbians comes over and compliments Diane on her Dior handbag.
  • Diane thanks her ans compliments the apparently expensive brand scarf she has on. Do you. Know all these people?
  • Horse Lesbian explains that she's part of the SCA, and what that is, and that why yes. Her girlfriend Tasha is an armorer. Yes like for knights.
  • More Livestock Lesbians assemble.
  • They are pulling off shirts to show off livestock and battle scars, and biceps.
  • Diane is LEARNING A LOT TODAY.
  • I am just getting everyone's contact info and making sure Herschel does not consume his weight in bratwurst.
  • BWOOP!
  • Uh-Oh.
  • Marcia's Husband is here.
  • I step out front.
  • He has used the siren to largely part the crowd and pull into his driveway but it has closed around him and there is No Escape.
  • He starts huffing and puffing about blocked traffic and permits and the like, but this is not his usual Can-Bully-Without-Consequences crowd.
  • These are Grandmas.
  • Veterans of the 60's protest front who never let up.
  • He's starting to turn bright red and looks like he's about to cry and I've got my phone out to record whatever Incident is about to occur.
  • -And a Mercedes pulls up.
  • It's David.
  • Dr. Ruth's son.
  • The Lawyer.
  • And I emphasize that The because David is not some mere ambulance chaser.
  • David is the guy that the state sends to prosecute Corporate Fraud and Organized Crime and Other State Departments.
  • David was part of the team that took down the CO Branch of the KKK.
  • David is all of 5'4", very round and a balding little man that looks like the Dictonary Definition of "Nebbish" that moves with such intense confidence and authority that he pretty much has the Pillar Men Theme Blasting behind him at all times.
  • So when he and three other lawyers from the state's office step out of the car
  • Mr. Sherrif goes from red to while like color-changing octopus and I am like 50% sure he shit himself.
  • Because what he and Marcia have been doing is Very, Very, Very, VERY, Fucking Illegal.
  • "mArCiA!" he garbles. "sHuT tHe fUcK uP!"
  • Marcia is standing in the middle of the cul-de-sac, having spent the last 3 hours recounting to anyone who will listen about the 'measures she's had to take' and now the 5 lawyers that were here are delightedly handing over the paperwork that she had forced on Doris and her Neighbors, and pointing at all the doorbell cameras and witnesses out to the state's top prosecutor.
  • Friends
  • I ugly laughed.
  • FOUR HOURS LATER: -Auction wrapped up with a solid $40K to Doris' name plus pending sales on some of her larger furniture and antiques
  • Plus whatever David gets in damages from the county sherrif's office.
  • Marcia and husband are fucking busted
  • Herschel spent all afternoon running around and eating snacks and is passed out on the floor
  • Diane is "meeting up with" one of the Horse Lesbians next week.
  • The sewing machine went to someone else but I did open my purse and found out Doris or someone shoved a bunch of cash in there.
  • I'm getting ice dream and going to bed.

Not to make this monster even longer, but I slept, and can answer a few questions:

  1. Dog Tax:

Little Ham Man himself.

2. What was Illegal about what Officer and Mrs. Cunt Magnifique did?/If they're hosed, are you moving in?/Does Doris still have to move out?

I don't know all the details, but Officer Magnifique was going door-to-door, in uniform and armed, telling his neighbors they had to sign this paperwork or there would be legal consequences, which is pretty textbook coercion and abuse of office. Also If I understood the summary someone told me while I was dying of heat exhaustion, the actual legal setup they were trying to push was some shady land-ownership/tax evasion nonsense too.

But also. All of this happened YESTERDAY. Charges aren't files (tho they are definitely coming) let alone the trial held/conviction/payout or other consequences, so they could still be living there and involved in active litigation for like. A year. And it's an unfortunate truth that living near a cop that's having a meltdown is a great way to get shot.

So No. I'm not moving in there.

Also, Doris originally brought up the idea of moving because of them, but she is also very close to her granddaughter and they both want her to move out there.

3. You live like this/How do I get a life like that?

The process is fairly simple, but takes a lot of work. It goes like this

  1. Go Outside. And do things. In person.
  2. Specifically, go join a bunch of organizations that are relevant to your interests, and keep showing up to/participating in those events.
  3. People will notice and remember you. They will notice and remember you faster if you're like 40 years younger than them and have purple hair but I digress. They will come over and say hi. You say hi back, and talk about your mutual interest. Also listen to what they have to say about your mutual interest.
  4. GET AND SAVE THEIR CONTACT INFORMATION, THEN GIVE YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION. Everyone you meet. It's actually great to print out business cards with your contact info and hand them out. When saving contact info, I make a note in my contacts about name/where I met them/who introduced us/any random fact they divulged because I have the memory of a sieve.
  5. Introduce all your new friends to each other, and invite them to any event you think might even vaguely be within their interests. Even if they can't come, it's nice to be thought of. They will also invite YOU to things and the rule is: UNLESS YOU ARE ILL, GENUINELY BROKE OR ALREADY HAD PLANS, SAY YES. Even the "broke" bit is flexible because if you're making friends with Boomers you can say "Hm. I'd love to, but that's not within my budget" and there's a good chance one of them will pay for your ticket anyway. Go to these things, and enjoy yourself.
  6. Eventually, you will know approximately a fucktillion people in a bazillion fields, and in an emergency, you can make 2 phone calls and a facebook post and summon the hordes. You will also be constantly invited on Adventures.
  7. Congrats, you've made your life mad complicated and dramatic but very, very fun.

4. Are. Are you alright OP?

LMAO.

Things will probably calm down by Tuesday Afternoon, but until then I'm gonna be running on all cylinders until the wheels fall off. If you want to contribute to my "Stress Ice Cream/Herschel's Special Little Ham Boy Fund" You can Donate to my Ko-Fi, and if you want more stories, check out the #Family Lore tag on this blog, or head over to my Patreon for additional stories/to pre-order the book I'm writing about my and my ancestor's lives because this shit runs like rivers on both sides of my family.

5. Were you wearing the Cryptid Booty shorts for this?/Where did you get them?

They were a bespoke Wedding Gift from @theshitpostcalligrapher but you can always make your own with a pair of shorts and some fabric paint. My beloved Husbeast has a matching neon pink pair that say "BARD".

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