I just realised I didn’t wish the world a happy 2020 and now I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.

I hope 2021 is better to all of us.

The one disadvantage I’ve found to a beard is that I have to wash it every time I eat noodles.

How long does it take to sort through 900 blogs you’re following? About 4 hours, apparently.

At some point my dumb ass decided to follow a load of blogs completely at random by the looks of it, but now the list is trimmed back down.

So, this is a tentative “Hi, I’m back... again.”. I’ve missed you guys, and it’s only taken me literally a year to feel like I want to lift again.

Sorry for any “like” spam that happens - I’ve got a lot to catch up on, and sorry for my extended absence. 

I’ve always written things down as a way to process them. One of the few details of my childhood I remember was that I had this really old, very heavy, very noisy laptop that ran on Windows 95 from about the age of 8 to 12. 

Basically all it could do was run some very basic games and Word, and I remember spending hours after I was supposed to have gone to sleep, with my bed sheets over my head to make a tent and hide the light of the screen, writing nonsense that helped me deal with the emotions I was experiencing.

I carried that on (on different computers) up until about the age of 20. In the last couple of years I’ve gotten back into doing that, just mostly on tumblr, though I’ve slacked for a good few months.

So, what follows is going to be completely incoherent if you try to read it as one thing. I’m basically emotion vomiting all over this post, and one thing is not necessarily going to be relevant to the next. It’s just a series of thoughts, before I really give them time to process and develop.

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I made friends, and lost friends last year - on tumblr and elsewhere - and it’s always weird when those relationships are one and the same.

I hope they’re doing well.

I also hope my ex is doing well. It’s taken me far too long for me to get to this point, but it finally doesn’t hurt to think about.

I’m extremely thankful to those of you here, that have tolerated my bullshit and are still around to see how I’m doing. I’m also glad to see so many of you still here, because your persistence in spite of whatever you’re dealing with is inspiring to me.

Amelie* still has my back despite all my bullshit the last couple of years. I love her more than I can put in to words. If I had no other reason, I have to get my shit together so I can try to repay her for everything she’s done for me.

I know I’m coming out of winter hibernation mode, because I am starting to be annoyed by the mess and laziness I allowed myself over the last few months. My space doesn’t feel right as is, and is due for a deep clean. Hopefully tomorrow / Sunday?

Similarly, I’m starting to get the training itch again. I’m going to try for training 3 days next week, starting Monday. Shorter workouts, with less fluff than usual. Although I don’t hate myself for being fat, how unfit I am in terms of cardio and strength at the moment do bring me close to feeling that way.

I need to make an appointment with the Dr., which I’ve been procrastinating for forever. I haven’t had blood work done in a looooooong time, so I want to have a full physical, but also kinda emphasise the need to be tested for clinical depression, and to ask about assessment for anxiety disorder. My emotional reactions to job applications/rejections in the last year have been... uh... extreme.

I have been thinking recently how I’ve got to this point in my life without really knowing what I want out of it. I’m sure a lot of that has to do with not really knowing myself because this depressive haze has hung over my head for so long. I do know that when that haze has been lighter, I’ve always swung aggressively towards creative outlets like writing, graphic design, art, and so on. A career that draws from that is likely to make me much happier than I have been with employment up till now.

I don’t remember the last time I hugged someone. It would be so nice to have a close friend, who lives remotely nearby, to just go see movies and eat good food with.

* Not her real name.

Can’t shake the head fog today. Cannot wait for winter to properly fuck off.

Looking for April Fools’ content? You found it. I’m a joke.

Happy Trans visibility day <3

Guys, do any of you struggle with beard management? Like, when do you know you have just the right amount of beard? Would it look better shorter? Longer? Should I trim the sides? If I do that, will I end up looking like an 80s pornstar?

Wouldn’t have these issues if someone would just sit on my face. It’d be just the right amount of hair then.

Not gonna lie, I’m a mess at the moment. I was doing fine up until I got sick in September and I just haven’t regained the momentum since.

Taking it day by day at the moment. The last few days I’ve done something at least so it’s progress, even if it was just putting up blinds or going for groceries. 

Today’s task is to clear out some boxes from some PC parts and a case. I kept them initially in case anything needed to be returned, but that justification has long passed.

I’ve been scrolling here occasionally, and its good to see your faces. If I’ve dropped a like and been otherwise non-interactive, please understand it is very much me that is the issue. I’m working on coming back out of my shell.

why is everything so bright blue, jesus

I used a facial mask and properly moisturised for the first time since September last night, and my face feels and looks 3000% better today for it.

So, so glad I’m nearly over this cold and have a bit more energy.

It’s amazing how many girls called Abby, from New York, want to have sex with me.

Thanks tumblr. You’re doing great.

@staff

Happy 2019 everyone.

I wish you all success, progress, health, and happiness in whatever form they take.

2018

This year has been a big one for me.

At the turn of the new year last year, I was so close to just throwing in the towel. We’d suffered delay after delay, and had spent that Christmas and the one before waiting to move into the house we offered on. Before this house, we’d offered on another house where the owner had decided to pull the sale three months into the process.

Not knowing where I’d be living from one month to the next made finding work in my profession absolutely impossible, and most other employers ask for at least a six month contract - which I couldn’t give them either, given I could be moving over an hour away (in good traffic) at any point with only a couple of weeks’ notice.

But, a week into January we finally got the good news; a completion date was set. The next three weeks were spent emptying the house of over 35 years of accumulated shit (mostly my parents old crap). In the first of those three weeks, I tore the cartilage in my knee, which meant I spent nearly all that time in tremendous pain even with it bound up as the work simply couldn’t be halted.

January 30th arrived, and so did our moving truck. We had it loaded by 11am after 6 hours work, and after the keys were delivered to the agent, we hit the road up to our new home. Of course, when we arrived, the previous owners were not ready and caused us one final delay - they were told to be out of the house by midday, but they didn’t start moving their stuff out until then, so we were stuck in our 2 cars until nearly 7pm. All we managed that night was to order a takeaway, put up a folding table and chairs and inflate our temporary mattresses.

Things improved from there slowly as we unpacked and settled in - after a month we had mattresses, a couple of months after that we had redecorated what needed doing and had actual bed frames to put them on.

By now, it was May. The garden was still being worked on when we could, as the previous occupants had allowed it to completely overgrow in the near-two years they delayed the move. It was finally “done”, fencing repaired, planting sorted etc. in late June. It was then I put in the order for my gym equipment, which arrived a week later and I put together ASAP.

So, I decided then to take a couple of weeks of rest. Just to finally sit back and enjoy the labours of the last few years. I used the gym a few times a week, and just spent my free time walking the dogs, playing Pokemon Go, or just walking the seafront, with films and gaming in the evenings.

The first week of August, I got Jury Summons. In the end, the timeframe for those summons fucked up a lot of my chances of getting work over Christmas, because the interviewing and recruitment all began as I was doing my service. I also caught a cold the first day of service, and have been sick with only a weeks respite since then, until now. I’ve applied for the odd job here and there, but honestly I am just tired at this point in the year.

So, come January, hopefully fit and healthy, I’ll be back on the gym grind and also applying for work properly.

Over the year, my mental state has changed a great deal. My outlook on life is far more balanced now, though I’ll be the first to admit I was doing much better in the summer. Enthusiasm is low right now, but I’m optimistic for the future. I have a vague game plan for the next year, and that’s more than I could say for 2018.