it's been a long time since I wrote anything for BTS, but I can't get this little angst idea from my head🙈
so, context: reader's best friend died on a car accident. they had a little boy of 4 years old, and reader makes the decision to adopt him. also, reader belongs to the company and was about to debut as an idol but because she made this decision of adopting, her dream of becoming an idol was discarded, but she stayed in the company working as a producer.
A knock was heard in the quietness of his studio followed by a "come in" with his baritone, deep voice.
It actually sounded like he just got pissed off for being interrupted, but when he turned around and saw you, a big smile broke through his face as he saw yours.
"Our song is on the radio," you said, excitement and happiness clearly in your face and voice.
"No way… So soon?" You nodded as Yoongi stood up and walked towards you, meeting you halfway in the middle of his studio and hugging you tight.
You laughed, feeling so much joy and happiness. Your arms surrounded his neck, while his enveloped your waist, hands pressing your back against his body. You had never been this close to him, yet it felt like you had always been. It felt like… you belonged there.
After a while, you pulled back a bit, so you could look at his face, his arms not letting you go that far.
His eyes were closed, brows furrowed, like he was having a conflicted discussion inside his head.
"Yoongi…" you said, ready to ease whatever bad thoughts were invading his being. But you definitely weren't expecting what happened next.
He didn't open his eyes when he heard you pronounce his name, he couldn't if he was surely going to do what he wanted to, what his heart, mind and body urged him to do.
He really didn't need to open his eyes. He knew perfectly the distance, the place where he wanted to get to, to be. He had watched you so intently that even if this was the first time he was that close to you, it really felt like he had done it plenty of times. Like he belonged there.
When his lips touched yours, a warmth spread through your body, from that simple touch to every extremity, to every corner of your being.
It was just a simple touch of lips, no tongue, no other caress, just his lips against yours, and it felt like it was all you needed. It felt like… home.
It didn't last long, as you pulled your head back after a couple of minutes, surprised. However your cheeks burned and you took rapid intakes of air as if you had done a consecutive hour of cardio.
"I'm sorry, I can't…" you breathed, closing your eyes, feeling your heart shattering because of him, for him. His forehead pressed to yours, not backing away a centimeter from you.
A tiny, cute little face that you have been waking up to every morning appeared in your mind as you had your eyes closed.
No. You couldn't. You couldn't risk everything like this. You had made a promise, and now you had a tiny, most precious being to take care of. He was before you, always.
Yoongi's arms pressed you against his body again, and you realized he had never let you go. He was holding you in a firm embrace, yet the sweetest and careful way you had ever been held.
"Why?" He whispered, almost as if he couldn't find his voice, as if he had too much emotion stuck in his throat and he couldn't find a way around it to pronounce any word. Your hands traveled from the back of his head to his face, thumbs caressing his cheeks. He sighed, your touch bringing him so much content and peace.
You felt a knot in your throat. This was not how you would have wanted this to happen. If this would have happened two months ago, probably you would already be together, enjoying each other in every way possible. But everything was different now. Now that he was alone, officially no girlfriend around him twenty four seven, you weren't on your own anymore. And it was so much more difficult than what it sounded, not only in your head, but also spoken out loud.
"I'm not alone anymore, Yoongi, and you know it," you heard him sigh again, as if he didn't really want to hear what you were about to say. But you had to, you had to remind him of what he was getting himself into.
"I come with a beautiful little package now," you smiled, but the tears were right there, at the corners of your eyes ready to fall. You kissed him one more time, probably the last time you ever would. "I truly like you too, Yoongi. But you can only want me, if you are ready to want him too."
His arms slowly started to let go of your waist, your heart finally completely shattering with every centimeter he began to distance himself from you.
When you opened your eyes again separating your foreheads to be able to look at him, you smiled sadly. His hands hung on each side of his body, face down and eyebrows furrowed again. You knew what it meant.
"I'm sorry," his deep voice broke a bit in his whisper, but you simply couldn't resent him from this decision.
You caressed his cheeks one more time before letting go and finally taking two steps back away. "It's completely okay not to be ready, Yoongi."
He felt something stir inside him, he truly didn't deserve you. Here he was, being a complete selfish prick who desired everything from you, all of you, except him. And you… You had one of the most immense and kindest and amazing souls he had ever met. You left one of the most important dreams you ever had for adopting the child of your best friend who sadly passed away two months ago in an accident; you were even giving him up.
After years of secretly crushing on the Min Yoongi and only admitting it two months ago–a day before the accident, a day Yoongi would never forget–and after him finally being able to reciprocate the feeling once he broke off with his toxic ex, you were giving Yoongi up for that little kid who needed you, who your friend asked you to take care of if something ever happened to her.
And Yoongi felt like trash for wishing you hadn't the option to pick him or the kid. For wishing he was the only option for you, and nobody else, nothing else. But he mostly felt like garbage for not accepting the kid with you. For not wanting a child or feeling like possibly wanting one; he had never wanted to be a parent. And you weren't the exception to that rule.
Fuck. He truly wished he wanted that, especially with you.
But he wasn't ready, and he doubted he would ever be.
