as i begin typing this, my father is downstairs talking to himself incoherently, slamming and breaking things while pouring himself more alcohol to celebrate alone. its 3:48 am.
in my life, i’ve done all that was asked of me, i gave up everything to raise my sister, and she’s grown up now. since i was 16 i had planned to end my life after i turned 24 and she had left for college. all the responsibilities my mother had forfeited, i had met and now i no longer would have to exist anymore. i had my note and a means, but i never anticipated loving her and the friends i made so much i’d try to walk away from my plan. for two years i’ve gone back to school despite illness to have something. but i just continued to feel disconnected from everything i’d do. what am i supposed to do with my life that i dont even feel connected to? i don’t feel joy in any of my passions anymore. i don’t recognize myself. i don’t have any strength to take care of myself. i wasn’t even smart enough to finish school. slowly i realized i was never supposed to live this long. i never see my father sober anymore, hes violent and dangerous to be around. he has thrown away my clothes and belongings. he has hit me and kicked me down stairs. i’m always scared when he is home, i barely move or leave my room when he is here. i haven’t met to him face to face since september i learned to avoid him so well. i never could call the police, scared for what would happen to my uncle or what would happen when my father eventually came back home. so for a while i lived in my car, stayed with a friend’s family, but i never wanted to leave my home, i gave up my childhood and my future to keep it here, so i returned to it. what i’ve endured to not lose it again depleted every bit of willpower i have.
i can’t take it anymore. this monster constantly tears me down. he used me. i’ve been rendered so dependent on him. i want to die. i’ve let myself exist far too long. i can’t even leave my house right now, he is downstairs. he will go after me if i try to leave. everything has turned worse because of all the delusions of grandeur that this election has ignited. when i was little he worked for trump. hes so enthusiastic to be able to support his former boss.
of my earliest memories i vividly remember when he’d come home with giant rolled up blueprints and hand me a highlighter. i would crawl on the floor over them to mark every light bulb for him like it was a giant activity book.
over night the last bit of security i felt in the world has been demolished by the fact there are so many more people like my father than i could imagine.
i’m so sorry for how much this will hurt the people i care about. i’ve tried, i truly have. i’ve called helplines, i’ve gone to a wellness center and twice did programs, i was asked if i’d go to a shelter but that was full and couldn’t take me. i tried. its awful of me to do this, i wanted it to get better but all i feel is the gradual deterioration of myself. i’m sorry i can’t keep on existing just to prevent saddness in others. i have to trust that everyone can move on without me, because what i am now is to disturbing to be of any proper support in anyone’s life.
please take care of each other.
IMPORTANT: To the friends worried about Loshka!!
She managed to call me back after I left her tons of voice messages and texts. She’s going to her friend’s place to stay for awhile. She will call me back again when she arrives safe and sound. Will update on the situation. Please reblog this post to give word on Loshka.
Until then, please let her know how wonderful and loved she is. Continue to give her lovely messages and support, so she knows that she’s not alone. Please let your messages touch her heart and heal it.
Update on Loshka
Before she could go to her friend’s house, cops came and then made her go to the hospital. But she’s having financial problems and she really can’t afford to go to the hospital. Even though she told them about it, they still forced her into going.
Please donate to her! Her paypal is loshkaspoon11@gmail.com
Update on Loshka
Ok good news everyone. Loshka has been discharged from the hospital and her friends will be picking her up! She’ll stay with them until further notice. Please donate to her paypal account due to her financial situation and recent events. Thank you all so much for being supportive and loving towards her! Please continue to give your support and love to the wonderful Loshka!
Once again her paypal is loshkaspoon11@gmail.com
