. . . I’m sorry I keep bouncing back and forth between completely different ideas of what I need to do, because truthfully I have no fucking idea what to do with myself anymore. . . Self-improvement takes so long, but I’m so tired of feeling awful that I get impatient with any method I try. Any effort is for a long-term benefit, but I feel desperate for some immediate relief when I feel things are going south again. :[
I've been trying to bulldoze through it, but I have to admit that I haven't really felt like communicating online since ~the incident~. . . Every time I go to type something, either a public post or a private message, I lose the motivation. It's depressing, but I felt better without any access to the internet in the hospital. . .
I think that my presence in social spaces online has become to performative and based on meeting percieved expectations of other people. My mood takes a severe nosedive when I feel I am disappointing someone by failing to meet the standards I've assumed they must have for me. Maybe one person expects me to have a certain sense of humor on tap, or I've always got to be ready to talk about character stuff with this person cuz that's what they like to hear about from me, or I should be careful of sounding too sentimental with this person cuz I'm sure they'd find that grating. I feel like I have a hard time keeping track of myself because I try too hard to emphasize the "right" parts for the "right" people. . . And when I am too tired to be anything but my non-specialized self, I lose the desire to socialize because I think I will disappoint people by failing to be as interesting as the person I was when I had more energy to prune and accentuate my traits as needed.
This bad habit affects me online a lot more cuz I have less control over how I present myself irl. Online, it's a lot easier to filter myself and, worse, present myself in terms of the content I produce. And when I don't have it in me to put said content out there, whether it be art, characters, worldbuilding, or even stupid text posts. . . I feel too socially inadequate for conversation to make me not feel awful, since I've convinced myself that I have to meet a certain set of requirements for each friend to enjoy my company.
I don't know, too much of my happiness is based on whether my presence brings other people happiness right now. . . I had a depressing realization that drawing leaves me feeling empty unless I'm able to share it, I forgot how to just. . . Enjoy drawing for the sake of drawing. Everything I do feels like it's done with someone else's feelings in mind, which means nothing in the world can turn my mood on its ass as quickly as getting stuck on the idea that I've let somebody down.
I have to remember how to be GENUINELY HAPPY about what I'm doing instead of doing things with the hope that other people will be happy with them instead and I can get a contact high. . . Maybe I have to work on that before I can really become socially active again online, because it's intimidating going into a conversation and not knowing where your mood might end up by the time you're through because it's fully dependent on other people's reactions.
im subscribed, are you?
skittycatz replied to your post “Today was one of those “didn’t actually wake up all day” days ughhh,...”
I think a lot of the constant reassertion of "this is bad, actually" does come from folks wanting to insert assumptions into the spaces between people's statements... I mean I have that "what's the least charitable way someone could read this" fear myself. And when I was really tired/stressed, the emotional cost of adding "but it's bad" after "i like it" felt less draining than getting attacked for NOT having that disclaimer would. Not that that would always happen, but it had happened more than never and it was enough to get the fear in me. THAT SAID THOUGH it sucks hard to have that cloud of negativity and it made it hard for me to bond w/ other people who shared my interests. It's a repellent habit but also somewhat sympathetic... though I'm kinda babbling now and I realize I might not even be talking about the same thing as you, hah.
AH, that’s what I meant, that the real cause is the folks who’re quick to use what someone DIDN’T say against them, regardless of context. . . Not saying it’s the fault of people who have to bookend their love of something by reassuring people that they're aware of all the shitty parts, sorry if that was unclear! Most folks online do that, I CERTAINLY DO IT, I’m no stranger to being scared to talk about things that make me happy and having my defense system all fired up should things go bad. But people shouldn’t be afraid to talk about something that makes them happy without always having to worry about adding constant disclaimers about why it sucks. Giving into that keeps that publicly transmitted insecurity alive and well. . . IT’S HARD TO FIGHT OFF THE URGE, but hopefully we’ll hit a more constructive, enjoyable balance between appreciation and criticism.
Today was one of those “didn’t actually wake up all day” days ughhh, but before I surrender to my greatest nemesis, Sleep. . . I have a thought. . .
I’m always glad to see more folks being critical about the media they consume, but I feel like some people are letting self-consciousness drive them back into old ideas that you have to tear apart everything you love lest you seem too much like an overly sentimental shithead. Like I think some people really think they have to give a quick summary of all the things wrong with something every time they bring it up or someone will assume they’re an ignorant fan that puts their favorite media on a pedestal. And yes, some people online do love to insert their assumptions into the spaces in-between people’s statements but. . . Sometimes people just want to talk about how something makes them happy! And that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re saying it’s a ~*FLAWLESS WORK OF FICTION WITH NO MORAL MISSTEPS*~, sometimes it just means they want to gush about something they love and they aren’t in the mood for in-depth analysis. I love picking at the products of the entertainment industry as much as anybody, but I know that sometimes, when I’m emotionally exhausted and really need a pick-me-up, it’s just nice to enjoy something without having to put my all my grey matter to work.
I don’t know, there is a weird lack of “opinion permanence” in some online spaces where, if you don’t have your complete set of thoughts and feelings on display at all times, then OBVIOUSLY you must have your rose-colored glasses on. But SURPRISE, opinions don’t go away just because they’re not continuously pouring out of someone’s mouth. And those that do leave the tap on at all times can be pretty damn draining to be around. . . The healthier alternative to idealization and escapism is not an endless stream of discourse on Why Everything Is Bad Actually.
Clowns are creatures that need to clown. They were not meant to be domesticated and profited from as pets. They are highly active creatures that will self harm from stress in such confined spaces. Circus Clowns are delightful to keep in groups, though they are fine on their own, but every 1 clown adds 30 square feet to the space needed. They need multiple props and performance areas in order to replicate their natural environment. These are examples of proper Circus Clown or other basic clown enclosures.
Candee Fluff is a horrible brand of cotton candy, I used to feed it to my clowns and they would just throw it back up. The sugar is all unprocessed, when clowns need highly refined white sugar, just because it’s cheaper. Which is something they don’t list on the packaging to fool clown owners. Ideally you should only feed your clown freshly whipped cotton candy. Large mixers may be expensive but a simple childrens make-your-own candy floss machine will suffice if your budget is tight.
Clowns shouldn’t be confined to a car. (Especially a childrens car..?) Clowns are curious creatures that need to jump, tumble, honk and play to be healthy. Keeping them locked in a car 24/7 as a toy for your kids will stress them out in much the same way as a hamster in a ball. Clowns do enjoy having access to a clown car, especially in groups, but their car should provide 1 square foot per clown and their enjoyment comes primarily from exiting the vehicle in large numbers. Keeping them locked inside can reduce their lifespan by up to 10 years. A small human-sized compact car may be suitable for larger groups of clowns.
I’m cringing at that rainbow collection of “my mommy got me a cute clown” balloon sticks. These are creatures that need to run around with helium balloons. They need to bounce and float away when released. Air-filled balloons on sticks are not a suitable replacement. This is the proper set up for a clown or more modern jesters.
Clowns get stressed from any foot confinement under size 16. Clown shoes are the worst item for being sold to kids as “accessories” in human foot sizes. When kept like that the clown will die a horribly stressed life within a year when they can live for 60 or more. They need colourful shoes or boots with plenty of toe-space and loud squeakers. Clowns are so intelligent that they actually play with you, and they need podiatric stimulation to live healthy. These are proper clown shoes.
Never change the natural markings of a clown. This should go without saying, but I see people buying halloween store ‘clown makeup’ and attempting to alter their clown’s faces. Clowns use their facial markings to identify one another, and altering it may cause stress, and even endager the clown if you keep several in the same tent.
Who the fuck would even feed an omnivorous clown pellet food…? Do they want a sick clown? If clown stores even bothered to care about the keeping of clowns, they would know that shit is bad for them. If you can’t feed fresh peanuts and hot dogs then you shouldn’t own a clown in the first place. Pellet food isn’t even real food, it’s chemically made with preservatives.
Saint Christopher
When you just finished dicking her down and now you in her pantry looking at all of her son’s snacks you about to eat
This meme is far too powerful, and should be locked away in a vault where civilians are unable to access it
this is literally the scariest post i have ever seen
skittycatz replied to your post “Okay, I promised myself I’d make a Discord this weekend and it’s uhhh,...”
I'll def add you once I actually make my own... which I've been meaning to for at least a month.. will try to do so later this week
Ah, you should! I know you’ve got some similar social reservations online as myself, ah hah. But considering how stressful Tumblr’s gotten for some folks, I feel like it’ll be nice to have more ways to connect with friends on here that are offsite.
Okay, I promised myself I’d make a Discord this weekend and it’s uhhh, 11:24 so it’s still technically Sunday here SO HERE WE GO.
Idk if I can really use it tonight because I’m mostly making it right now because today was a bad day and I’m hoping to wake up feeling less crummy, but any mutuals can message me if you want my. . . Tag? Is it called a tag. . .? WHATEVER, message me if you’d like to add me on Discord.
$799,000/6br Waterford, MI
AD International, 1991
in 2018 when blockbuster cinema finally dies as prophesied I’m holding a party and I’m gonna get Fucked Up
It's a crime that I, a purveyor of Pathetic Awful Animal People, have taken so long to watch the show about Pathetic Awful Animal People when I have dreamed of such content for years and no less than five people have recommended it to me. It's just so hard to convince me to watch a show that I have to watch in bulk to catch up, binge-watching feels like an extreme sport to me. (I CAN'T SIT IN FRONT OF A SCREEN WITHOUT CLICKING THINGS ANYMORE.) But I'll do it, I'm finally gonna watch the hit Hulu series, Bojangles Manhorse.
HEY FLORIDA.
The governor just stated if you can’t get out of any mandatory evacuation, whether for fuel or any reason at all, call 1-800-955-5504, right now! The’ll help if you don’t have money, if you have pets, etc. They want you to call NOW because there is time to help you. (I guess signal boosting this is an upside to being subjected to the weather channel while living utterly landlocked.)
