Thanks, tumblr mobile, for unintentionally making this even funnier

I’m sorry but this is fucking hilarious

Their tounges could stick to the cars in this cold weather and you do NOT want a moose's tongue stuck to your car

Lol okay so they are licking salt off the cats

Let them have a lick, as a treat

Ok but how the fuck are you supposed to stop them?

I mean moose aren’t exactly cuddly.

This is my question....sir, if a moose is trying to lick my car, imma guess he’s not going to listen to me, a lowly hairless peasant 50 times smaller....if I continue to insist, he’s going to become ornery....and then I die....so.

*approaches moose slowly*

The moose:

Moose are fucking terrifying.

Your PSA: Don’t slow down enough to allow them to lick your cars.  Just go.

“Breakfast time!”

if a werewolf dies but they were an organ donor does someone get a new kidney that turns into a wolf kidney once a month

imagine having a feeling of pure bloodlust radiate from one side of your mid-back approximately every 28 days

oh so that’s what it is

okay but if lycanthropy is blood-transmissable, as the traditional biting suggests it may be, would not the *rest* of the recipient's body *also* turn into a wolf body? Imagine going to the hospital with kidney failure and coming out with werewolfism, instead.

maybe it’s only transmissible via saliva while in Wolf Mode, so you can technically have a lycanthropic organ just... alive in your body and transforming, but unable to spread the infection to other tissues or people

...this was funny in my head

the little paws 😂

Do non-americans realize that the United States is literally just a bunch of countries in a trench coat that agreed to be semi-nice to each other in order to sneak into the Big Boy Club? Because let’s be honest that’s just what the USA is

The rest of the world: So… you’re a big country?

The states, standing on each other’s shoulders: Y- yes,,,

I love how everyone who’s reblogged this hasn’t added anything on or tagged anything on it. They’re all just like “Yeah. That’s it. That’s the entire United States summed up in one post-”

#oh my god is THAT why you guys are so weird

Yeah 100%

Don’t let these tags die omfg

10/10 can confirm

absolutely bonkers that my own tags have crossed my dash like this more than fifteen reblogs after i wrote them

I moved to another state. 30 minutes away. My family acts like I betrayed them and can’t understand my life choices. It’s completely different way of life, especially during covid. Completely different country.

every single fucking time one of those articles of “things europeans find weird about america” complains that sales tax isn’t included

states set the sales tax!!! it’s literally different across state lines!!! american retailers can’t add it bc they’d have to account for 50 different prices!!!!!!!

It gets even more insane! California’s clean air standards for cars and other such things are so much higher than everyone else’s! So if a car manufacturer in Detroit wants to sell their damn cars in California, they need to build their cars to California clean air standards. But retooling an assembly line and car design to have some cars meet California clean air standards, while building others to other clean air standards is a lot of work, so car manufacturers all over the country have to build all their cars to California clean air standards.

Which is why California went into an uproar earlier this year when the Federal Government tried to argue that states can’t set their own environmental guidelines! “Fuck you!” says California, “we remember Los Angeles in the 80s, how bad the smog gets, go pollute your own damn air over in your own damn state where there isn’t a thermal inversion layer to trap all the smog down near ground level!”

“But you’re making it soooo haaaaaard to sell our cars everywhere else!” they whine.

“Fuck you!” California shouts. “And while we’re at it, we don’t give a shit what you say, Mister President, we’re gonna open our damn states when we’re good and ready, and our friends Nevada, Oregon, Colorado, and Washington State agree! Also, we’ve decided to legalize weed!”

“But the Federal Government says it’s illegal!” shouts the other states.

“Fuck you, we make the drug laws in our state, and we say toke up!”

“Now, hang on!” shouts the Federal government. “You can legalize weed in your state, but all banks are federal agencies, so if your weed dispensaries set up bank accounts, those accounts have money from illegal practices in it and are subject to seizure by the federal government!”

“FINE!” shouts California. “Hey, weed guys, you can keep selling weed, but you can only deal in cash!”

“How the fuck is that supposed to work!?”

“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, TAKE IT UP WITH DC!”

“By the way, if you’re gay married elsewhere, we won’t recognize it,” mutters Texas.

“OH FUCK YOUUUUUUU!” 

And so it goes and so it goes…

“What’s sales tax?” says Montana. “What’s road maintainence?” “also what’s a speed limit?”

*gestures at Florida* Oh also, the reason Florida is “so weird” is only PARTIALLY because people who live here are bonkers – it’s also because Florida state laws around privacy do not include the details of arrests! So in other states, when you’re arrested, it can just show up in the registrar like “25 yo man arrested 04/30/20” but in Florida they can (and do) print the details of why they were arrested: “25 yo man arrested 4/30/20 for riding an alligator through town while naked and smoking weed.” I promises you the other states have PLENTY of weirdos, they just don’t get their dirty laundry gleefully aired in the local news.

States even hate OTHER PARTS of the SAME STATE. Case in point: I live in Northern Virginia. Not just Virginia—NORTHERN Virginia, near DC. The rest of Virginia belongs to the south and we in NOVA do not identify as southern.

Back when I used to play runescape in the 2000s, I learned to always say I was from Washington State because if I just said Washington, these non-american fuckers would assume I meant DC and it drove me wild. Also Western and Eastern Washington absolutely hate each other and there’s this whole debate that sparks up every now and again over making a new state called Cascadia(I think? I don’t pay too much attention to it so I’m not certain) because the easterners are fucking sick of their state always voting blue (it’s kinda dumb and probably never gonna happen, but like, a lot of people do want it).

I moved to Ohio after college and the level of hatred people have here for Michegan for no apparent reason other than their state football team fights our state football team a lot astounds me.

Man, fuck new Jersey

are you guys like… okay??

Long tailed tit is called stjärtmes in swedish

stjärt = butt mes = dork (or softy/softie, according to google translate)

this is a buttdork

ohhh my god goohhhhhd ohhh my godhehed hohhhh my gohdedddddddd

As if “Tit” wasn’t bad enough

I was walking through the toy aisle at Target when I found this thing and had a VIOLENT AND IMMEDIATE FLASHBACK to when JP first came out and they had a bunch of REALLY COOL T Rex toys that I would have sold one of my scrawny small-child limbs for but my mother wouldn’t get me one because they were “too violent and also ate people” :(

hnn I WANT IT SO BAD

on closer inspection, it makes a lot of really obnoxious noises and is also Too Expensive. BUT FEAR NOT I found this slightly smaller dude wedged in the back!

IT HAS BITE ACTION, AND THAT’S THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS

now we enter the testing phase

yup. looks good.

Extreme Chompin T-Rex says IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS

Can we take a moment to appreciate that we can use this as a rosetta stone to say “EXTREME CHOMPIN’ “ in four languages?

OH SHIT YOU’RE RIGHT, let me check the garbage to see if it’s still there! hopefully I didn’t destroy it in my excitement

*roar sound effect*

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

update update: I re-sized her collar and found a bag of toy bones at the craft store. I haven’t put this much effort into a non-school thing since my last job search, help

(secret bonus: the other side of her tag)

There’s more!

I love.

I saw that people are reblogging the thread again, so I thought I’d give you all an update on how Wexter is doing!

(just fine)

Wexter And The Case Of Her Continuing Marvelously Naughty Garden Adventures

OP and Wexter can break all my toes and I would still send a thank you card

Wexter says SHE WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING (but she might chew your ankles a little bit maybe)

so it’s come to my attention that at some point this weekend Wexter blew past 100,000 notes, and I for one think that’s very cash money of her.

I think a common mistake people make about puns is that they often believe puns are meant to make people laugh. This is not so! The emotion that puns are meant to elicit isn’t joy, it’s rage.

Puns are meant to inflict punitive damage

@copperbadge

Not to present an opproseing view, but it’s word saying that the rage inspired in others is what induces joy in the pun maker.

We always strive to score at least a hate out of ten. 

Phoebe, girl, you live like this?

YO ON SOME ANIME SHIT THIS DOPE AF!!!!

Some loser: Wrestling is fake Me: Explain THIS Loser: Holy shit

i’m so delighted that tumblr found out about this match, because lord have mercy, twitter was losing its shit over it

This majestic as hell

They’re drift compatible

Current problems.

Bookmarks and Kudos currently not working, I am in the process of fixing this issue! Please don’t worry, I am trying my best!

It is literally my greatest wish that someone figures out how to sue you for every cent you’ve made off of myself and my fellow authors. 

I have a full-time job. I work over forty hours a week to support myself, and a great deal of my spare time? It’s spent writing.

Why?

Because I absolutely love writing. Because I love my readers. Because fiction has always been an escape for me for as long as I can remember, and it brings me so much joy knowing I can provide that for others. 

I do NOT write so that my work can be put behind subscriptions and paywalls in an app store when AO3 is a not-for-profit organization that provides every single service that your app does FOR FREE. 

While I do write for free, I do not write so that my work can be stolen. 

there will never be another headline that comes close to comparing with this

Father Illustrates The Friendship Between His Tiny Baby And Giant Dog And The Comics Are Adorabl

Omg yes please

Kara, Lena and Alex find a secret supply of AgentCorp fanfiction.

Someone make this a whole thing, please. I need it. Everything.

Glass of Supervicious Fluid

a fine vintage

Take a fucking sip babes

I like how super cruel this fluid is

forbidden snack