(OOC
I tried to kill myself today. I was completely numb, barely any thought was going through my mind. It was 7am and I just starting walking to the garage. I was shuffling around in there for rope (I was going to hang myself) but the rope had been moved. I was really going to do it this time, I know that much. I don't like pain, I go through enough of it with my chronic conditions anyway and I hear the rope is the least painful way to go. I have been suffering underlying problems for years making me feel so nauseas and feverish every day. Even now as I type this, my hands feel numb and I have pain shooting up my arms.
To top that off, I had recently been abandoned by my ex because he couldn't handle my self destructive tendencies caused by my ill health. While living with him, I drifted away from my friends, one of which I loved but know he could never love me as I do him. The closest He could ever give was a ship and that helped us both cope. He found love while I was away and I can no longer rp with him which was a comfort on its own. We used to speak for hours almost every day and then suddenly I would be lucky to speak with him once a week.
I confronted him about my feelings a short time ago, I told him I love him, I have for the longest time. I really should have just kept my mouth shut though because shortly after he told me to let the ship rest and not speak of it again. Which is funny because the day before I told him, we were erp'ing like normal and having a wonderful time.
I am so lost right now and I don't know how to feel. I feel like I am just going through the motions and it will never get better.
I just want my friend back...
