Solitary Skirmishes

I have a meeting from 7:30-9 a.m. this morning and is that's not cruel and unusual punishment for not living on the east coast anymore, I don't know what is.

It's Friday, people. Friday 7:30-9 is for easing out of bed and maybe skimming a few emails. 😭

I was able to see the oral surgeon on Monday, and he did a CBCT Scan (which created images of my mouth that look like the sort of thing you see when they're putting skeletons back together to identify dead bodies - kind of cool and kind of horrifying all at once). He didn't see anything especially concerning, but recommended I come back in 9 months for a follow-up scan to make sure everything looked the same.

I sort of exhaled a bit, but today was my follow-up with my entire cancer treatment team (including the chemo oncologist's nurse - they always make me see him or his nurse and I don't understand why since I didn't have chemo, but whatever...), which started the day with two (traditional) CT Scans of the head/neck/chest to watch for anything and lab work.

In the middle of the day, after the scans/labs, but before the results were in, I kept nearly breaking down for no real reason. I mean, obviously there's sort of a reason, but it wasn't like anything indicated a problem. I just had this heavy sad feeling.

I was very relieved, then, when the scan results finally came through and all looks normal. I'm still on the every-three-months schedule for follow-ups, but the next ones are just with the doctors, no labs even this time (they do scans twice a year barring nothing weird but until now had said they'd do blood work each visit. Since it's been normal the past several, they're going down to every six months for that as well).

I was just so relieved, because once the dentist saw something last week, I was having so many flashbacks. I didn't feel convinced something was wrong, but I definitely wasn't convinced nothing was wrong, either.

My surgery was May 11 last year, and I can't believe it's been that long already. Last summer is such a fuzzy blur to me.

When I saw the surgeon, she checked everything and asked how I was doing overall (after a lot of specific questions) and I was just like "I'm doing well... I really feel like I'm back to normal, or whatever normal now is" and she just paused and was like "most patients don't get to where you are emotionally for much longer."

And... I don't know if she just says that to everyone who's not wailing on the floor, or if it's true. Cancer was this thing that happened, I got treatment, I'm doing the follow-up necessary to make sure it's not coming back, there are things that physically will never be the same and some are kind of a pain, but I can't change them (and the ones I can change, I'm working on changing), so what's the point of dwelling on how unfair it is that life didn't take the path I expected. Overall I got off quite easy - there were about 4-5 months of hell, but since then, I'm just adapting to what reality is.

In any event, I think I'm most relieved because we have so much fun stuff planned for this summer (after losing last summer for surgery/radiation, and the several before that because of pandemic-related stuff), and was going to throw a tantrum if I ended up missing out on all the things we have scheduled.

I totally woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. It's good none of my meetings today were on camera, because what my mouth didn't say, my face sure did.

I'm just tired of people.

I don't think I'm ready for this summer, but maybe with the right shirt... 🤔

I went to a new dentist this morning, for a routine cleaning. Since the last time I went in for that was last February, and it's what led to the tongue cancer diagnosis, and since this would be my first cleaning since surgery, and since I've always struggled with feeling like I'm going to drown when they use the water thing for the cleaning but now I literally accidentally inhale saliva fairly frequently because my tongue doesn't block my airway like before, and since I'm aware teeth issues are common after oral cavity radiation...

Since all of that and then some, I was nervous going in, but trying to stay calm.

Then they had to refer me to an endodontist because I might have a crack in my tooth up above the gum line (based on some pain and a hard to read two X-rays), and it's not great but okay. That one probably isn't cancer related, though it's not great if they need to do much dental work, based on what the radiation oncologist said.

But then she said she was making a referral to an oral surgeon because there's a spot on the floor of my mouth that didn't look right to her on the X-ray. That it might be nothing, but with the history of oral cancer, they're very cautious.

So then I was trying to not break down in panic, and I got myself under control, but now I'm all sorts of stressed. It's exactly a year this week since I was diagnosed, and I know the risk of recurrence is highest the first two years, and I just can't not start spiraling.

I have my quarterly oncology follow up next Wednesday, so hopefully they can also a good look on the ct scan if it takes longer to see the oral surgeon. I'm going to be a wreck until then, and I'm trying to pay attention to anything else without much success.

I'm sure it's all fine... Until I'm not sure.

My flight touched down at O'Hare and the guy next to me immediately made a call and told someone to meet him, he'd be outside in five minutes.

I literally snorted out loud.

Why are there always birds flying around inside airports?

Seeing the giant setting orange moon was a nice gift for being up and on the road too damn early. 🥱

I have an Uber arriving at 5 a.m. tomorrow morning which is.... Ugh.

To take me to the airport so I can fly to Newark, super ugh.

I arrive at 10:30 am, and get home Tuesday at 10:30 p.m. and that's still way too long in northern NJ.

This site keeps loading like 15 posts, then the same 15, then reloads entirely. 🤬

Someday I'll catch up...

I appreciate this... and am waiting to see if the do the same for Father's Day.

When a cat lays its whole head on part of your body... Am I right?

She showed up! I'm a limp noodle and L is in there now. Ahhhh.

We're debating between a really early morning tomorrow to head to a special outdoor event, or sleeping in and spending the afternoon at the botanical garden. Either way, I'm thrilled to have a beautiful spring weekend to do whatever we want with!

The massage therapist who ghosted me two Sundays ago is scheduled for back-to-back massages for me and L in half an hour, and I'm holding my breath.

This has been a long week for me, but an utter hell week for him, so I really hope she shows up this time!