I found this on tiktok and I laughed so hard so I thought I’d share on here

It’s so chaotic I love it

i love finding out how big this world is. my girlfriend has only visited boston a handful of times, but i grew up here. i told her we'd be going to do the tourist traps in salem, and she said - which salem?

to be fair to her, there are a lot of other states that have a town named "salem." and i think there's some evidence that the witch trials actually happened in what is now called Danvers. but the thing is - she thought "salem" was like, a made-up thing. there wasn't actually a salem, massachusetts - like there isn't a gotham city.

they don't talk about it that much where she grew up, is the thing! and this made me laugh. a week ago she was talking about her hometown and said something akin to "well the museum's kinda like the one in richmond," and i had to explain i still had no frame of reference for what the hell this museum was like.

i love finding out what knowledge i take for granted. i used to live with 5 other women. 3 of them were from south korea. they had to take, like, a solid fifteen minutes to explain their birthday system to my gay math-blind ass, laughing as they did.

that same month, our roommate from denmark taught me the danish word for wreath by accident - she'd been talking about decorations, used krans, and i'd been able to figure it out through context. i just picked it up and kept talking. our entire house used krans as the word. she came home and slammed the door one evening, mock-angry, shouting: you motherfuckers! it's a - a wreath!

and how often do you use certain words, anyway! i am cuban, so i was raised with certain spanish words sort of sprinkled in there; but never how you'd think. in middle school i asked someone to pass me the recogedor - in a completely american accent, like i was speaking english. i hadn't registered it as a spanish word. i mean, how often in school do you actually use the word "dustpan" - i'd only ever heard it in the context of cleaning my house.

there are places that you grew up that you, just, like, know. that you assume everyone knows. there are things and people and "common knowledge" that you have that, just, like. doesn't exist for me. i don't know what you call your public transportation system, but in boston we call it "the T". our train cards are called charlie cards because of a song where a father accidentally abandons his family, which was written because our system of transportation. in boston, most people would snort and say everyone knows that, kid.

i think you and i should go on a long walk - it's getting dark early these days and we need any sun we can manage. tell me about the first time you saw snow. tell me about the stuff everyone knows about your home. tell me about the cities "everyone's been to," about the food "everyone's already tried." who knows. maybe it will feel nice to you - watching someone learn about it for the very first time.

Went on a trip to the Jersey shore with Hudband once. Stopped for the night in Ocean City, but had to drive to the next town over for a late dinner because Ocean City is dry so, without bars, there was nothing open at that hour.

There was live music, which was a little loud for my taste but pretty good. And shortly before we left, they performed "On the Way to Cape May."

Everyone in the bar except for Husband immediately starts singing along, and he's baffled: how does everyone, including me, know this entire song?

And I was just like, oh, I guess they don't play this on Long Island.

Also, because it's Tumblr I have to spell everything out. Use your own personal definition of what constitutes a major versus a minor holiday

was told to straighten my posture and align my heels. i now stand corrected

the reviews are in

sick of hearing about "healing crystals" that "cleanse your mind and body of negative energy" i want to know which rocks can hurt you and fuck up your vibe so bad

everyone suggesting uranium isn't wrong but anyone who said "literally any rock if you're willing to resort to violence" are the only people who can get on my level. you're hired.

caincore

okay which fandom that sprung up out of nowhere overnight like mushrooms after rain is this a reference to i can't keep up anymore

oh you meant like. that guy from the bible who invented murder. right.

My last minute addition to the ★  Star Wars Day! ★

May the Fourth Be With You

Don’t forget to wear glitter, take your meds, and practice self-care in honor of our dear departed Space Mom.

Blessed Be She Who Drowned In Moonlight, Strangled By Her Own Bra

( @grumpycakes On the occasion of her birth, the start of a story about birthdays, and getting everything you want, even though it's nothing you know how to ask for. Happy Birthday, Mel!)

-Another Year Around the Sun-

“Are you-  Are you going to get that?”

Tony squinted at the schematic floating in the air in front of him.  “Does it look like I’m going to get that?” he asked, taking a careful sip of his coffee. It burned the entire way down, and he exhaled on a cough.  “Jesus, this is foul.”

“Yep.” Bruce gave him a slight smile from behind his safe, boring cup of tea.  “Just like you like it.”

Tony saluted him with the cup.  “Just like I like it,” he agreed.  His phone stopped buzzing, and he gave it a look, nursing his coffee along with his grudge.  As expected, it started vibrating again a moment later, shaking against the top of the workbench.  “Jay, put him on the block list.”

“He will simply call the main line,” Jarvis said, with the sort of infinite patience only his AI could manage.

“And I expect you to hang up on him,” Tony said.  

Bruce leaned across the workbench.  “It’s-”  He glanced up at Tony, his brows drawing up tight in an expression of concern.  “Are you, I mean, is there-”

Tony took another sip of his coffee, letting the cup hang in front of his face as he punched the surface of his phone with one finger.  The call connected, and there was a single second of silence, and then-

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BIRTHDAY BOY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUST TO YOU,” Rhodey howled into the phone with the sort of glee only a long time friend could muster when doing something unforgivable.  On the other side of the workbench, Bruce rocked back on his stool, his eyes going wide with shock. “WE HEAR THAT YOU’RE THE BIRTHDAY BOY, SO WE’RE SINGING LOUD AND TRUE, EVERYONE WILL KNOW THAT YOU’RE A SPECIAL BOY, IT’S THE LEAST THAT WE COULD DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-”

“Die in a fire,” Tony said, and hung up on him.

Bruce was clutching his tea with both hands, his shoulders up around his ears, his expression horrified.  “What was-”

“There was a diner down the street from MIT,” Tony said, making a minute adjustment to the schematic with a flick of his fingers.  “And they sang that hellish ditty if you told them someone in your party was having a birthday.”

“Okay,” Bruce said, drawing out the word.  

“Yeah, well it turns out that if you pre-tip the staff a twenty, they’ll sing it any time you ask.  Such as every Sunday morning.  When you’ve dragged your hungover, barely functional best friend into said diner with the promise of pancakes and coffee, and instead betray him with singing waiters who are just enjoying seeing him suffer.”  Tony took a sip of coffee.  “It was my birthday every single Sunday for two solid months.”

Bruce put down his cup.  “Okay,” he repeated.  “Why did you continue-”

“Honestly, I probably wanted the attention,” Tony mused.  “And the pancakes.”  His phone rang again, and he picked it up, putting it on speaker with a flick of his thumb.  “How did you pass the military psych evaluation?  In that you are clearly a sociopath?”

“Happy birthday,” Rhodey said, his voice full of glee.  

It has the electrolytes that God craves

Adding "Catholicism" to the very short list of existing things generative AI could maybe safely replace

Tumblr user intheparlanceofourtimes out here trying to start another church schism

@heresylog

if you told diogenes the cynic about being trans he'd be like "lol that's a sick troll you're epic" and you'd be like "diogenes no i'm serious" and he'd be like "lol that's even better lmao those guys are so mad about it" and then he'd start going by new original neopronouns every single day specifically to piss off the whole symposium

I just had an idea for a really dumb comedy sketch where a transphobe starts ranting about what really makes a women a woman, and diogenes returns each time with a different cis woman or outwardly femme intersex person that doesn't meet the criteria saying "behold, a man!"

"a woman has XX chromosomes"

*Diogenes with an androgen insensitive XY cis woman*: behold, a man!

"Nono, a woman can bear children!"

*Diogenes with someone who has medical complications associated with pregnancy*: "behold, a man!"

"nono, a woman produces the large gamete"

*Diogenes with a postmenopausal cis woman* "behold, a man!"

Trans Rights With Diogenes! coming to PBS

Some idiot: only women can produce eggs!

*Diogenes holds up a chicken* Behold! A woman!

Guess what...