Broke Down

I drive around

With my gas tank

On empty,

Living life on the edge

As that red hand

Hovers too close to ‘e’—

You and I used to drive

My old Volkswagen,

Chasing miles and miles

Of love along a highway

That lead to nowhere,

Our hearts so full

We needed a cap

To keep it all in—

You were the fuel

That kept me going,

But without you

I’m always empty.

-C.A.

Brightness

I’m not sorry

For becoming

This person

Made of

Soft curves

And a swollen

Tongue

That vibrates

The truth—

I loved you then

Before her arms

Made a ring

Of contentment

Around the chest

I used to sleep on,

When the words

I love you

Meant more than

A whisper of guilt

On a conscious

That knows

What it did

To break me,

I may have

Lost you

Between delicate

Sunsets

And strikes

Of lightning

But in the

Brightness

I found myself—

This person

Made of

Strength

And resilience,

Capitivated

By the possibility

Of a new

Beginning.

-C.A.

11:11

Do you think the stars watch us

Like lovers laying beneath

Green grass and moonlight,

Making wishes on tiny figures

Entangled in rushed embraces

Before the sun comes up,

Whispering their desires

To endless oceans and tilted trees,

Wondering if the universe

Will ever answer their call?

-C.A.

Surface

I’m tired of carrying this ache

Of missing you

On shoulders that hunch

Under the pressure of loss,

A gnawing sensation

Of continuous strikes of lightning

Down a spine already weak;

But an upright position

Is an impossible task

When you’re already

Below the surface.

-C.A.

Time

Time is irrelevant

When you count

Seconds as heartbeats,

Minutes as breaths

And hours measure

The length of each crack

Inside of your tired heart,

Spaces that whisper

I miss you

Like a broken promise

Knowing that sunsets

And sunrises blur

Into the same emptiness,

With eyes that refuse

To rest even after

The tears stop falling

While hope dissipates

Like sand through fingertips—

Time is irrelevant

Except for when

I’m with you.

-C.A.

Souvenir

I’ve done my best To forget you, Yet I can’t help Walking along This familiar road My fingertips burning From the roughness Of memories Carved into trees That grow older Than we ever will,

It hurts because We should have been Something more Than what we were, Yet I couldn’t stop That bark from breaking Like twigs beneath Our feet,

My hands hold the pain That escape my lungs, A heavy reminder Of the breaths I can’t keep Between the ticking of time,

You left me here In a forest of souvenirs, Where layers of what We should have been Are muddled with overgrown Vines and wasted water—

You see, I’m still existing, But I’m not really living.

-C.A.

Always

I must admit That I miss you In the mornings But mostly at night, Although my heart Aches mid afternoon When the sun is peeking Through grey clouds And blue skies, Yet I miss you In the evenings When dusk has made Its first appearance, But also when It’s twilight And I can’t sleep;

I must admit That regardless of the time Or distance, Whether the sun is shining, Or I’m drenched in darkness I miss you, Always.

-C.A.

Grey

My self worth May be hidden Beneath a cloud Of grey smoke, Yet when I feel The rain of Your fingertips On my skin Washing away The pain They caused, I can finally Believe In love, Again.

-C.A.

3am thoughts.

Days Like These

It’s days like these When I crave the feel Of your hand in mine As the warmth From the sun Covers my body In a springtime melody That won’t stop playing,

Everything feels empty Without you by my side, I wander this path alone Searching for memories Inside of freshly Bloomed flowers, Thinking back to a time Before the weeds Started to grow And it all soiled, When we nourished Our love With compassion And eternal sunshine, When nothing could stop Me and you From growing Together,

Now I pluck these petals And count their stems, Yet nothing can measure How much I miss you,

But especially On days like these.

-C.A.

Plaster

My time is spent Making repairs To the home I always thought Would be you—

Plastering The spaces Now empty In the absence Of us,

Filling the voids You left With cement And water, Hoping To smooth out The pain—

Looking for Someone Concrete To keep This structure Up right Before it all Collapses To the ground,

Installing columns And staircases To support The weight Of this hurt,

And learning To live In a home Barren of the Heartbeat It once Had.

-C.A.

Grandiose

In my mind I’m built Of high stature, My frame Can be seen From the tallest To the lowest Peaks of Rolling mountains, From the sun And the moon, On a hill And below The surface, My voice is deep And steady, A strong sound That beckons Everyone to listen— I command The attention Of those In my company And demand That my voice Is heard,

Yet with you I folded myself Into my chest, Arms wrapped Tightly against My stomach, Bent over In one tiny Piece, Feet tucked Under my thighs, Shoulders hunched And tailbone tucked, Cramped behind Your shadow, A meek voice Of only yes, Too timid to Stand tall, I made myself Small So you could feel Big—

Left with Cramped muscles, Aching bones And sore limbs; A body Suddenly empty, So yours Could be Full—

Until finally, I stretched To my full Potential, And realized The love I deserved Would never Leave me Feeling Smaller, But instead Would make Me feel Bigger Than even My mind Could imagine.

-C.A.

Black And White

Your eyes were the color Of rain during a sun shower, A blue hue of light During an otherwise dark time, Illuminating my world With a brilliant brightness I couldn’t look away from,

Your lips were the color Of all my dreams, Painting a rainbow Of multicolored aspirations I had to taste,

Your arms were the color Of unconditional happiness, A boisterous circle Of yellow flowers Blooming at the beginning Of Spring, An abundant aroma Of new beginnings I couldn’t wait to start,

Your love was the color Of an intense fire, A burning passion Of sparks and embers Engulfing my body In a fevered heat I never cooled down from—

Now, you’re the color Of black and white photographs, A dull and grey image Of a transparent illusion That no longer prevails, A weathered and torn snapshot Of diluted memories That I never want to forget.

-C.A.

Voicemail Full

I listen to old voicemails Like they will tell me Something new, Searching those simple words For more meaning Than they ever intended,

Hoping to find Something I missed Behind a hello, Call me back, I miss you—

Perhaps you whispered I’ll never leave And I failed to hear it At that moment, Or maybe you said You’d always be there Even after I left—

A piece of the past Present in this moment, As a baritone base Rings in my ear Making my pulse race While clutching this phone Like it’s your hand I’m grasping—

Holding back tears As I listen to you whisper I love you one last time Like it’s a foreign language I never learned,

Dissecting the sound That vibrates through This speaker Trying to make sense Of what went wrong.

-C.A.

Hold On

I hold on to things For longer than I should By rereading love letters I’ve never sent, And carrying pictures Of memories in my palms; I’ve never been one To easily let go, As my mind Is always convinced That happiness Is a short distance away If you keep hope On a string Attached to your finger Like a reminder You never intend to forget.

-C.A.

Final Destination

Your arms exist In places I can’t reach And I haven’t slept Since I left them,

My heart Is exhausted From the aching That never ends,

I rub wilted flowers From my eyes, Their petals Cover the floor Leaving a trail Of memories I keep tripping over,

I must rely On darkened walls To guide my path Like a map With no purpose—

How do I continue This journey When my final destination Has always been You?

-C.A.