I was on the subway today, and when the train got delayed, this little kid was like, “fuck,” and a literal chorus of grown-ups went: “HEY.”

let him say fuck

I was at a crossing once and a kid’s dad said ‘and we have to wait for the green man’ and the 30 people on this crossing all stood waiting for the green man just to prove to this kid that that’s what you do. I’ve never seen anyone wait for the green man on this crossing before you just go when its clear. But Everyone Waited. 

Corollary to “it takes a village” is that you’re gonna get a village whether you ask for it or not.

I’ll sometimes take a chance at pedestrian crossings if the road is clear, but am physically incapable of doing so if a child is waiting to cross too, even if the road is empty for a mile in either direction.

OH THIS IS A MOOD

I do not want to be the goon responsible for a little kid rushing out into moving traffic just because they saw the lady in the red coat do it. Lead by example. All humans understand this and the majority follow this. Because even if they aren’t aware of it, none of them want to be the example a kid thinks of before they get themselves killed.

I once crossed the street before the signal happened and a kid on the opposite side pointed at me and was like “HE CROSSED TOO EARLY” and his dad went “yes and that’s dangerous” and I looked the kid dead in the eye and went “I’ve been hit by a car three times, listen to your father”.

tumblr is the root of half the internets trends and memes

the curse of being on this website is knowing that shit like cottagecore and dark academia and the obsession with mushrooms and whatnot started on this godforsaken platform and not tiktok

the mushroom thing started with a fucking shitpost where it ends with "you cannot kill me in a way that matters" "im not fucking scared of you!"

"op what does this mean" "decay is an extant form of life"

I KID YOU NOT

I’m only one episode into The Shadow Dispatch but I feel comfortable saying that it is an absolute delight

What does it take to teach a bee to use tools? A little time, a good teacher and an enticing incentive. Read more here: http://to.pbs.org/2mpRUAz

Credit: O.J. Loukola et al., Science (2017)

@clockworkrobotic

“Friend? Friend push ball? I push ball. I do good.”

Bees.  Smart enough to push a ball, not smart enough to not be fooled by a stick masquerading as a bee. 

maybe they know and they’re just being polite

Other dimensional beings are undoubtedly amazed at what human beings will accept as human beings too. “But it’s just a stick with a person on it.”

#excuse me neil but what the FUCK was that #thanks for that terrifying thought (nooby-banana)

NEIL WHY. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT.

This turns up on my dashboard. And I read it and am impressed that someone writes exactly the post that I’d write, without actually reading the name of the person who posted it.

And then I’m puzzled at all the Neil Why’s, and realise that this was me in the Wayback Long-ago.

At least I’m consistent.

And, I should point out, we are no closer to being able to spot the extra-dimensional stick “people” who move unobserved among us.

this was way too good to leave in the tags

if your first thought when you hear me say "i hate leeches" is 'vampires' and not 'landlords' unfollow me. this is a pro-vampire, anti-landlord only zone.

Actually, my first thought was “leeches”, but more power to you

during october werewolves are at their most powerful. they don’t physically get stronger it’s just a pleasant confidence boost.

Thinking abt immortality and how meticulously you’d have to keep track of all of your shit so some nosy historian didnt spot your old journal or coat or copy of a book and call an infuriating time-based finders keepers

“It’s two hundred years old” they say. “It’s essentially public property” they say. It’s a letter you sent to your friend and it’s in a museum now and you’re screaming

Why are vampire stories always I Want To Drink The Sexy Neck Milkshake and never two vampires texting about the passionate letter one wrote to the other in 1863 but never sent that the other just saw in the Smithsonian’s fall exhibition on Love Through the Ages and what the fuck, Claude, why didn’t you say anything

THANK YOU!!! asking the REAL questions

night sluts

they’re called vampires

moon whores

those are called werewolves

LISTEN I ONLY DO UNETHICAL MAGIC IF ITS REALLY FUNNY

Bitches be like “you can’t keep casting penis explosion on people you don’t like” as if it’s not hilarious

Shut up & take my money